D14 is showing BPD symptoms threw a tantrum at new year party

[snowglobe]

I’m a regular on another topic; always trying to save my relationships with uBPDh. I’m now struggling with our eldest daughter 14. All of the classical symptoms of BPD have been present for a few years now, it’s no surprise she learnt by his example. Extreme jealousy, fear of obendonment, extreme emotions, highs and lows, emptiness and boredom. It’s all there. People that know our family comment on how “spoiled she is”, there isn’t a word “no” she hears. There are 4 adults in her life that raise her in a daily basis; myself, my mom, my dad and rarely my uBPDh. If one of us says “no” she manipulates and exploits the setuation so one out of the four gives in. There isn’t any consistent parenting on our part, I must admit. My uBPDh mood swings and splitting make it impossible for any consistency. If he is in a good mood, she gets away with murder. If he is plotting, he is ready to tear her apart emotionally. I intervene when things get out of hand, and he splits more so on both of us then... .
about 3 years ago she walked in on us being intimate... .not a pleasant experience. We were very embarrassed, but for her it took into an obsession of making it impossible for us to be intimate. She picks the bedroom lock, Bursts into our bedroom when door is locked. She is snooping and sniffing out, checking our phones for any possible correspondence hinting physical relations. If she finds anything remotely suggesting, she threatens to run away, hurt herself and so on. We seeked help of a child psychologist for this issue. It was adding on to a marital strain, as well as making our relationships with her out of hand. Many times under stress and threats of running away she made us swear we would never be intimate in our lives. She says she wishes we were divorced and never did it again. She is accusing me mostly, texting me and demands explanations. Like with other BPD cases she pushes the boundaries. It doesn’t help that there is no consistency with her dad.
Today is New Years party, we rented out a nice hotel for the night, reserved an amazing Restaraunt for grandparents, kids and my grandmother, kids grand grandmother. We were planning to ring a new year together, and for my foo to take the kids to our house while we stay at the hotel for the night. To spice things up we took some sex toys and contraptions with us, packed into a suitcase and brought it to our room. After dinner but before the party d14 wanted to go upstairs with Grey grandma. She went and opened our suitcase, while we were paying for the bill. She then started texting me pictures of my sex toys demanding to know what it was. Several things- she went and opened my suitcase, that she didn’t pack all the while knowing that it doesn’t belong to her. Only reason is to seek our proof?. She now locked herself in the bathroom saying she hates us. I know enough BPD basis to know that I need to let her fail. If she chooses to “hurt” herself my confirming  her disgusting suspicions, I can’t stop her. I also want to enforce boundaries on her not snooping through my things, Phone and etc. I need guadance and support

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[GaGrl]

You have a boundaries crisis.

Where is your DH on this matter? Will be reflect to your handling it?