Hi

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all,
Just joined the group. I'm in my forties and having somewhat of a crisis. I've recently discovered after months of research that my mum's rages, extreme emotions, lies, and blackmail were not normal and due to BPD. This is me diagnosing her from months of research. I think I'm relieved in some ways that I now know she couldn't help her personality and some of the monstrous things she's done to me and my sister, but I'm very very sad that now I know there was nothing I could have ever done that would have made her truly love me and I've worked so extremely hard on being the perfect daughter. I've spent so long trying to be the best at everything, be the perfect daughter, wife, mother, friend. Even when she hasn't. Trying to stay thin, plastic surgery, degree, MSC. I've only just realised this now and I'm really not sure how to deal with this. At the moment I can't bear to be in her company, I've identified a lifetime of walking on eggshells and being the 'parent'. I feel sad for the little girl that was me and feel hatred like I've never felt before towards her. How do I deal with these emotions? x

[EstellaH]

Hi all,
Just joined the group. I'm in my forties and having somewhat of a crisis. I've recently discovered after months of research that my mum's rages, extreme emotions, lies, and blackmail were not normal and due to BPD. This is me diagnosing her from months of research. I think I'm relieved in some ways that I now know she couldn't help her personality and some of the monstrous things she's done to me and my sister, but I'm very very sad that now I know there was nothing I could have ever done that would have made her truly love me and I've worked so extremely hard on being the perfect daughter. I've spent so long trying to be the best at everything, be the perfect daughter, wife, mother, friend. Even when she hasn't. Trying to stay thin, plastic surgery, degree, MSC. I've only just realised this now and I'm really not sure how to deal with this. At the moment I can't bear to be in her company, I've identified a lifetime of walking on eggshells and being the 'parent'. I feel sad for the little girl that was me and feel hatred like I've never felt before towards her. How do I deal with these emotions? x

[Panda39]

Hi Estella,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I come at this from a different angle, I'm on this site because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and I'm often on this board looking for help and insight so I can support their two daughters.

I like you stumbled upon BPD and the shoe fit so to speak. I can imagine how hard it is to realize that there is something wrong with your mom and at the same time it is a relief to have a name for the chaos and confusion surrounding her behaviors.

I know there was nothing I could have ever done that would have made her truly love me and I've worked so extremely hard on being the perfect daughter. I've spent so long trying to be the best at everything, be the perfect daughter, wife, mother, friend. Even when she hasn't. Trying to stay thin, plastic surgery, degree, MSC.

This is such a painful lesson.  You are not responsible for your mother... .her feelings, her behaviors, her choices, and her happiness.  You have been raised to think that you are. Please know that you are a wonderful person on your own just as you are with all of the imperfections we all have.   

I know others that have had a similar experience will be along to add their thoughts, comments and advice but I wanted you to know that you were heard and that you are not alone.

It sounds like you have done some research but I did want to share a few books that you might find helpful if you haven't read them already... .

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason, Randi Kreger

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Changeby Valerie Porr M. A.

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationshipby Christine Ann Lawson
 
I also want to point out the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information.  Just click on a topic that resonates.

I'm so glad you found us and decided to post, this is a great place for support, tools, ideas and sometimes just a good place to vent when you need it.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[EstellaH]

Thank you Panda39 it's so kind of you to offer such a thoughtful and thorough reply. It gave me a little throat lump although no crying ... .which is another thing I never do, which I now assume is because my mum cried enough for me herself and the whole town when I was growing up! Jeez I've learned so much about  myself in the past few months. I've ordered the first book on your list, thank you for that hopefully it will give me a little more insight.
Regarding your situation, I can never understand why someone would choose to stay with someone who is BPD. I mean I can choose to walk away too, but in the end I'll only ever have one mum even if she is a monster. I watch the way she speaks to her husband and she's vile, there isn't an ounce of kindness in anything directed at him. She's long since stopped speaking to any of his family and she rants when he wants to see them more than a couple of hours once a month. Saying how much they all hate her. Every time he makes friends they move away. Her world has become tiny now and she rarely goes out and wants him to stay with her even though she obviously doesn't care for him at all. I'd love to say to him 'why do you stay?' if it were me I'd run and run and never look back. Do you think that he's trying to save her? I want to tell him ... .she'll never love you, save yourself ... .it's heart breaking.

[Panda39]

Regarding your situation, I can never understand why someone would choose to stay with someone who is BPD. I mean I can choose to walk away too, but in the end I'll only ever have one mum even if she is a monster. I watch the way she speaks to her husband and she's vile, there isn't an ounce of kindness in anything directed at him. She's long since stopped speaking to any of his family and she rants when he wants to see them more than a couple of hours once a month. Saying how much they all hate her. Every time he makes friends they move away. Her world has become tiny now and she rarely goes out and wants him to stay with her even though she obviously doesn't care for him at all. I'd love to say to him 'why do you stay?' if it were me I'd run and run and never look back. Do you think that he's trying to save her? I want to tell him ... .she'll never love you, save yourself ... .it's heart breaking.

There can be a lot of codependence in these relationships, there can be enabling spouses, some are rescuers, some stay for the kids, some stay because divorces can be high conflict, some stay for religious beliefs, some stay out of a sense of duty, some have their own mental health issues... .it can be any number of things.

In my SO's case it took him awhile to figure out something was off, but he stayed out of a sense of duty but things got worse and worse and he had a deathbed conversation with his dad, his mother told him she didn't know who he was anymore, and the ex verbally abused their oldest daughter and he finally had enough.

He has been divorced for the last 7 years and both daughters have distanced themselves from their mom.  D21 has no contact and D17 still talks with her on the phone/text and will occasionally see her for coffee or lunch.  Unfortunately, even the limited contact often doesn't go well.  D17 has been diagnosed with PTSD and has been in Therapy for sometime.  D21 is doing her own thing but I think could sometimes use the extra support therapy could provide, but she's an adult and it's up to her what she wants to do.

I'm happy to say that these days I have a good relationship with both girls, it was bumpy back in the beginning (they were very loyal to their mom) but I would guess that's normal.

It's too bad your mom's husband allows himself to be abused.  Don't be surprised if one day he hits his maximum tolerance.

I've got to run (I'm on my lunch break).

Take Care,
Panda39