How can I communicate my feelings about her silence?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So it's been 10 days since I last heard from her.
During that time I've only messaged her once to test the waters and see if I really am being ignored, it was read and not replied to. My boundary is not to chase and to limit opportunities to be ignored further. I find the silent treatment childish and disrespectful, so while she's free to choose to act that way, I won't be taking part or encouraging it.

However, I'm conscious of it devolving in to a stalemate. I know silent treatment isn't always intentional, isn't always punitive, sometimes it's just a need to step back to recover their equilibrium done in a maladaptive manner instead of taking the healthy step of telling the other person you need a time out. I'd like to make it clear that the reason I'm not talking either is because being ignored hurts. I'm not angry, upset or trying to punish her, she has no need to feel any shame, I'm just protecting myself by staying away from potential hurt. She's unaware of my boundary so could think I'm being stubborn or spiteful.

So how do I achieve this? How do I let her know this while keeping my boundary intact? SET, DEARMAN, some other method?
Help!

[CMJ]

So it's been 10 days since I last heard from her.
During that time I've only messaged her once to test the waters and see if I really am being ignored, it was read and not replied to. My boundary is not to chase and to limit opportunities to be ignored further. I find the silent treatment childish and disrespectful, so while she's free to choose to act that way, I won't be taking part or encouraging it.

However, I'm conscious of it devolving in to a stalemate. I know silent treatment isn't always intentional, isn't always punitive, sometimes it's just a need to step back to recover their equilibrium done in a maladaptive manner instead of taking the healthy step of telling the other person you need a time out. I'd like to make it clear that the reason I'm not talking either is because being ignored hurts. I'm not angry, upset or trying to punish her, she has no need to feel any shame, I'm just protecting myself by staying away from potential hurt. She's unaware of my boundary so could think I'm being stubborn or spiteful.

So how do I achieve this? How do I let her know this while keeping my boundary intact? SET, DEARMAN, some other method?
Help!

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[heartandwhole]

Hi CMJ,

It is so difficult to be on the receiving end of the silent treatment. I'm sorry you are going through this.  

I think you've approached the situation well by looking at both sides. As you say, your partner's silence may not be so much about punishing you, but at rebalancing her own emotions. I agree that letting it go too long could become problematic.

Has she stayed away this long before?

What caused the withdrawal?

heartandwhole

[sweetheart]

Hello CMJ,

Being on the end of silent treatment is v tough, my h does this lots and lots. It is part of how he externalises his internal conflict and upset. Very often it is not about me, but I am a safe and constant vessel onto and into which he projects his negative emotions.

I've been on these boards a long while and chose to stay and improve my part of my relationship. I too thought that if I ignored my h back then he would realise that I was upset and hurt by his silent treatment, and learn that his behaviour had consequences and eventually stop doing it. My ignoring him and seeing if I too could hold out and not contact him for as long as it took, only served to upset me further and cause my h to feel really punished and abandoned by me.

I am the healthy functioning adult in my relationship and if I understand the dynamic in action that silent treatment serves for the pwBPD then what I learnt from here is that I could still reach out to him in a gentle, low-key, caring way so as to help clear some emotional space for him to find his way back to me.

So I would as often so as not overwhelm him send him a text often saying, 'im still here and I'm sorry you might be hurting or upset at the moment. What can I do that might help?'

Or 'Hi darling will be out and about today, how are things?'

And 'I'm going for a coffee at ... .at 3pm it would be lovely to see you there x'

The stalemate could be broken by you as a way of starting to improve your relationship and change the dynamics of how silent treatment works.
Is this something you might be able to consider going forward?

[CMJ]

Hi heartandwhole, hi sweetheart. Thank you both for taking the time to reply  

She's not my partner, just a friend and someone I care a great deal about.

Hi CMJ,

It is so difficult to be on the receiving end of the silent treatment. I'm sorry you are going through this.  

I think you've approached the situation well by looking at both sides. As you say, your partner's silence may not be so much about punishing you, but at rebalancing her own emotions. I agree that letting it go too long could become problematic.

Has she stayed away this long before?

What caused the withdrawal?

heartandwhole

She has stayed away this long before, longer even. We barely spoke between May and July this year, and previously she's ignored me for the best part of a year. Partially in her defence I was battling depression at the time and was all over the place, but still, a year!

This withdrawal was caused by me saying I was frustrated that we have such a hard time arranging anything. I work unsociable hours, it's really isolating and tbh really beginning to get me down. We met when neither of us had friends, she's started going out more and I'm happy for her. I'm also jealous because I can't join in. I told her this thinking I'd made it clear that it was just my circumstances making me feel this way, but she took it that I wanted her to stop going out to make me happy. She said I'd upset her, that everyone is offended instead of being happy for her, it was driving her mad and then called me selfish. I said how I was feeling wasn't her fault and apologised for making her feel like it was.

Could've just been a case of poor timing if other people are giving her a hard time about it, although why anyone would is beyond me.
I have a friend that's a counsellor, I told them about it and they suggested she may have been projecting her guilt on to me as she's cancelled a lot of things we have arranged. Earlier in the year she told me she'd like to start doing things regularly with me and in her own words is trying really hard to not be sat in the house on her own, but she's never once tried to arrange an evening out with me since this new outlook.

Hello CMJ,

Being on the end of silent treatment is v tough, my h does this lots and lots. It is part of how he externalises his internal conflict and upset. Very often it is not about me, but I am a safe and constant vessel onto and into which he projects his negative emotions.

I've been on these boards a long while and chose to stay and improve my part of my relationship. I too thought that if I ignored my h back then he would realise that I was upset and hurt by his silent treatment, and learn that his behaviour had consequences and eventually stop doing it. My ignoring him and seeing if I too could hold out and not contact him for as long as it took, only served to upset me further and cause my h to feel really punished and abandoned by me.

I am the healthy functioning adult in my relationship and if I understand the dynamic in action that silent treatment serves for the pwBPD then what I learnt from here is that I could still reach out to him in a gentle, low-key, caring way so as to help clear some emotional space for him to find his way back to me.

So I would as often so as not overwhelm him send him a text often saying, 'im still here and I'm sorry you might be hurting or upset at the moment. What can I do that might help?'

Or 'Hi darling will be out and about today, how are things?'

And 'I'm going for a coffee at ... .at 3pm it would be lovely to see you there x'

The stalemate could be broken by you as a way of starting to improve your relationship and change the dynamics of how silent treatment works.
Is this something you might be able to consider going forward?

That's sort of how I've learnt to handle her silent treatment. In the past it's been broken by leaving enough time and then reaching out in a non confrontational way, often not mentioning the conflict or cause of it. I've learnt the hard way not to mention how her choices have made me feel and definitely not to mention silent treatment! I just get accused of not understanding her if I do. I like your example though, it's something I shall try to incorporate in my tool box  

I'm just tired of all the anxiety regarding whether it's safe to reach out or not. She never says she needs a time out and will get back to me, so I'm left guessing if it's the right time or not. If it is, great! If it isn't, I either make it worse or take a further dent by being ignored again. But I'm beginning to think that the discussion around what I'll do when she withdraws would probably best be held when she's not dysregulating.

It's actually a strange coincidence that you've both replied today as this morning I've moved from complete silence to the weird limbo of terse replies. She's a bit clumsy and falls over a lot, often injuring herself. There were very strong winds this morning so I sent her a message saying go careful on her way to work, she replied with "thank you". Obviously not inviting further conversation and an indication that she's still uncomfortable talking to me, but at least it's an acknowledgement that I actually exist  

[sweetheart]

CMJ sounds like you're doing just fine with how you are managing this.
Those terse little replies are of course her way back to you from ST. Your message to her about being careful in the high winds is a lovely one.

Managing your anxieties and hurt around what her behaviour brings up in you will be key to the future of your friendship.
And yes waiting until she is not dysregulating to have any type of meaningful discussion together is a wise decision.

[CMJ]

Thanks sweetheart! (not a weird sentence to type at all   )

I'll just carry on doing what I'm doing for the time being, and see if we can have that discussion at a later date. Gives me time to figure out how to say what I need to in a non confrontational way at least.

I'd like to ask your opinion about something if I may? Regarding reaching in a gentle, low key manner. I'm wondering if keeping them updated regarding things going on in your life would have the same effect? I'm mean the fact you're sharing details should indicate that you value them and want to include them right? Another way of showing you care.

I've got a couple of examples of what I mean.
1. My sister gets married on Saturday. I'm a keen photographer and she asked me to take the pictures. Now I'm not a pro, and obviously shooting a wedding is high pressure as you only get one chance, so I was unsure about doing it. My BPD friend was actually very encouraging and played a big part in me deciding to do it. I'd like to let her know that it's taking place, that I'm nervous about it, but that I remember her encouragement and what it meant to me.

2. We both like taking pictures of street art. I sometimes take my son with me and he's got a few favourite artists now. We've managed to arrange for one of the artists to come to our house to spray a piece in my son's bedroom later in the month. The artist also happens to be one of the few that my friend follows on Instagram. I'd like to tell her about this, it's something I'm very excited about!

[sweetheart]

My answer would be a heartfelt 'yes' to both.
I think it would be weird not to let her know, even though she is further away from you emotionally as a friend than you would like at the moment, it still feels right to involve her.

My only suggestion for you is, do not expect anything in return, do this because you want to let her know because this is your shared area of interest and she is your friend.

[BPDBuddy]

CJ

I am in a very, very similar predicament with my ex right now. My post is of surviving a relationship that is breaking up.

Too much ambiguity to texting and she often misinterprets me and I misinterpret her. Here's the thing, I just reached out to her today after 10 days of NC which she usually initiated and I feel like an idiot for doing it. Yes, got a response but it was "I can't deal with you right now" type of response. Most conversations are two-sided, we can't make sense of their socially awkward behavior right now as when they are in this phase her exact words 'it's like I am watching someone else live me life' I still say NC forces them to face the issue and I may be biased but most of us are "truly best people in their life"

Sit tight, they have something always set in their minds with timing it seems. We can't predict human behavior, especially those with a mood disorder. It's going to be a game of chess now with her. Keep us posted!

[CMJ]

Thanks guys

I sent her a message about the wedding and how much her encouragement meant to me, got "I hope it goes well" back. So still not out of the woods yet but better than nothing.
She went back to not replying the next day though. She'd posted about the week not being a good one on Saturday so on Sunday I told her I thought I'd got some good pictures, that I was saddened to see she'd had a bad week and that I hoped this week would be a better one for her. I think she might be struggling a bit currently as she posted again on Sunday about being not great, and hasn't posted anything since. It's usually a good sign she's not ok when she does that so I'm not taking it to heart.

I have a job interview in the morning so I think I'll tell her about that and use it as an opportunity to remind her I'm still here and thinking about her too.

I may be biased but most of us are "truly best people in their life"

She has told me that her father and I are the only people who've stuck by her. Part of me wonders if that's just trying to keep me sweet by saying something she thinks I want to hear, or an attempt to guilt me in to staying eg if you go too, I'll have no-one. Of course, another part of me thinks if you can recognise this then why are you trying so damn hard to lose me!  

[CMJ]

Today's update.

Told her about my job interview. Also tried sweetheart's advice regarding reaching out, I added that I was sorry she might've been upset or hurting recently, and that I was still here if there's anything I can do to help. That part was ignored completely, but I did get "Good luck. You'll smash it" as a reply. Two whole sentences!   I'm taking the fact she offered encouragement as a positive. I mean there's still no asking how I am or prompts to keep a conversation going, but if it was someone you weren't bothered about you'd not offer more than good luck, if you even replied at all.

I then told her I'd let her know how it went. This was read and ignored, so I took silence to mean this was ok. I messaged her a few hours later saying it'd gone well, and I also took the opportunity to try a little validation/empathy. I added that her wishing me good luck had meant a lot because I know that she's upset/uncomfortable with me right now. I said this was fine and I understood I can be a little thoughtless sometimes. I also thanked her for always encouraging me. This was ignored too but I'm ok with that. I (hopefully) made her feel appreciated, showed I care and that silence isn't tearing me apart. That's good enough for me  

[CMJ]

Still no progress, but at least there's been no backward steps either.

Sent her another message on Sunday as she was attending a wedding and in the past has been nervous about going to events like that. I kept it simple by saying I hope it went well, that she'd look lovely in her dress and her hair would look great. Reasons being she suffers with body dysmorphia so is often anxious about how she looks, and her hair is the only thing she'll accept a compliment about. She'd shown me the dress before withdrawing so I knew how it looked.

I also tried a little humour adding that I'd hoped she'd told me the right day as she'd initially booked the wrong day off work for her own brothers wedding. Read and ignored again, but at least there's been no anger or blocking so I can only assume that my messages aren't entirely unwelcome.

The artist is coming to my house on Thursday. I plan on telling her all about that once it's happened, I may even risk asking how she is to see how that goes.

[heartandwhole]

Hey CMJ,

How did it go with the artist? Did you get in touch with your girlfriend?

Has she been more communicative?

Give us an update when you can. 

heartandwhole

[CMJ]

Hi heartandwhole

Again, not my girlfriend (I sound like Sheldon Cooper  )

It went well with the artist. He came and sprayed a piece on my son's bedroom wall, he loves it! He was a really nice guy too, had a good chat with him and we're going to keep in contact. Told my friend about it all, added that I hoped she was doing ok, but got nothing in response. That's 2 messages ignored in a row now so I've not bothered sending any since, because, frankly, right now I don't feel like it. If she wants to sulk, so be it Last message I sent her was a week ago today.

I'm think she maybe having a tough time at the moment. She's not been online at work for nearly two weeks and hasn't posted anything on Instagram or Facebook during that time either. Obviously I hope she's ok, but if she's not talking there's not much I can do. I'll just carry on concentrating on me and the people that do want me around.

I must confess that just walking away has crossed my mind.

[CMJ]

Looks like my mind has been made up for me as I woke up this morning to a message from her and discovered I'd been blocked everywhere. The message simply said "I won't be contacting you again and I trust you won't contact me. Just FYI" I find the just FYI particularly hilarious.

I came across an article about silent treatment on Facebook yesterday, it was an interesting read so I shared it. I didn't tag anyone and mentioned no names. I merely stated I'd found the article interesting. I can only assume that she thought it was about her as she's done this multiple times before; I post something, she assumes it's about her and blocks me. Why she never asks first is beyond me.

Knowing we've been in exactly this position before I'm confident it can be fixed, after all if it had been intended to be permanent the first time I wouldn't be posting this right now would I? In the past I've left things alone for a month or so then reached out. However, I'm really not sure that I want to fix it this time, maybe it's time to let her go and move on.

[heartandwhole]

Again, not my girlfriend (I sound like Sheldon Cooper   )

Sorry  

And I’m sorry that you’ve been blocked all over the place.

It looks like she follows your FB activity, since her reaction corresponds so readily to your sharing the article about the silent treatment. So, that is information that tells me that she hadn’t cut you off.

I can understand contemplating just giving up on trying to make this work. But I wonder if a straightforward message—at some point— telling her how you feel about the distance and silence would be a better approach, and more likely to “reach” her. If and when she comes back, it might put you both on better footing. You can do it in a way that focuses on you and your feelings, so that she would be less likely to feel blamed (although, of course, we can’t control how people receive what we communicate).

Your previous messages seem to have landed. I’m thinking that reaching out might be good for you— your feelings matter, and in order to have a good relationship, both people need to be able to express what’s going on. Also, that way, no matter what happens, you’ll have acted in a respectful way toward yourself and her.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[CMJ]

Hi heartandwhole

What you've said makes sense, and is probably what I'll do. Just not now though, I need some time. The overwhelming emotions I'm feeling right now are anger and relief. I'm angry that her reaction to me telling her how isolated I'm feeling was to isolate me further, and I'm relieved to be out of it, relieved to be away from someone who throws all the support and encouragement I've shown them in my face every chance they get. I know it's the disorder, it's not personal or intentional but I need a break. I'm struggling with other things in life at the moment and I need my friends to support me instead of increasing my load. I need to process these feelings first and find my balance again before I can safely do more.

Back in March I asked an artist friend to paint me a picture of pwBPD's dog that passed away last year as a birthday present. Her birthday's been and gone, and the picture still isn't ready (artist's had her own problems) but I've been told it should be done some time in November. I think I'll wait until it's ready and use that as a way of reaching out.

[CMJ]

I'm struggling with other things in life at the moment and I need my friends to support me instead of increasing my load. I need to process these feelings first and find my balance again before I can safely do more.

You know, it's just struck me that this could well be exactly the way my friend is feeling at the moment too, but without the ability to express her needs in a constructive, understandable, and emotionally mature manner her actions come across as selfish and cruel. Something I should try and keep in mind I think.

[heartandwhole]

You know, it's just struck me that this could well be exactly the way my friend is feeling at the moment too, but without the ability to express her needs in a constructive, understandable, and emotionally mature manner her actions come across as selfish and cruel. Something I should try and keep in mind I think.

  Great insight, CMJ !

[CMJ]

Great insight, CMJ !

Thanks! I have my moments 

That was actually a bit of a light bulb moment for me.
I'm actually feeling hopeful at the moment. I have a plan that I can work on; namely concentrate on me for the time being, get myself out of the rut I'm currently in and worry about her later. I've been in this position before so it's nothing new.

[CMJ]

So, it's pretty much been confirmed to me that she's off sick from work for mental health reasons, and something's bugging me. I feel bad that I'm not able to even say "Hey, you got this", or tell her how proud of her I am. Just a little gesture to show she does still have my support.

It's got me thinking about reaching out but I don't know if it's the right time, or even how to do it this time. Previously I've done it by keeping it simple, non emotional and friendly, but I feel like I'd also need to mention that the article about silent treatment was nothing to do with her (it was about being in a relationship with a narcissist who uses silent treatment as a weapon). I want to avoid JADEing and invalidating though. Seeing as it's something we've argued about before, but not discussed since, I can see why she may have thought it was a dig, and I can empathise/validate about being upset about it. I'd feel upset too if I felt like a friend was attacking me.

I just can't decide what to do, reach out without mentioning what went wrong, or do nothing and feel like a crappy friend for not showing one iota of support.

[heartandwhole]

Hi CMJ,

If I remember correctly, she didn’t come right out and ask you not to contact her?

I might suggest reaching out and letting her know you care. I don’t think you need to bring up the silent treatment article. If she responds and brings it up, then you have an opportunity to validate her feelings and apologize (if that feels right to you).

I’d take baby steps, as she isn’t doing so well and may be more sensitive than usual to messages from you.

On the other hand, if she has asked you not to contact her, I’d honor that.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[CMJ]

Hi heartandwhole

I think it's sound advice to not do anything. I was leaning towards that option anyway, mainly due to the amount of doubt I have. At least I can't make it worse that way, right? Think I just needed to vent yesterday.

She did indicate that she didn't want contact. Been in this position twice before though so I'm pretty sure it's not permanent.
Just sucks that I can't say I'm here if you need me, but it is what it is.

[CMJ]

Hello all, thought it was high time for a check in and an update.

She's definitely back at work now and has been since shortly after my last post. I haven't reached out or attempted communication in any way whatsoever, and you know what? It's actually been ok. I miss her and think about her often, but life without her has been going just fine. I'm happy to carry on as things are for now. I'll probably wait a bit longer, send her a Christmas card/present, and see how it goes (the first time we were in this exact situation it was finally resolved by me leaving her alone for a month or so and then sending a birthday card).

One thing I have noticed is that I've been unblocked on Facebook. That's never happened before. I've always remained blocked until I reached out. I'm still blocked everywhere else so it's certainly curious.

On another note, I recently began reading Loving Someone with BPD. It's helping and I'm learning a lot from it so far.

[heartandwhole]

On another note, I recently began reading Loving Someone with BPD. It's helping and I'm learning a lot from it so far.

Hi CMJ,

I’d love to hear what has stood out for you the most in the book.

I’m glad you’ve been able to find a sense of wellbeing, even as you are not in contact with your friend. That is a good basis going forward, no matter what happens.  

heartandwhole

[CMJ]

Hi Heartandwhole

I've only read up to Chapter 3 or 4 so far.
What's stood out most has been the insight in to how BPD affects the sufferer. If I'm completely honest with myself I was still quite angry with her, there was a part of me that thought how can she do this to me? How can she treat me this way after all the support and encouragement I've shown her over the years? Does that count for nothing? But now I realise that there isn't conscious decision behind BPD behaviour, it's a reaction to stimuli, there's a pain that needs to be eased and the behaviour is what eases it. Because it works at easing that pain the behaviour will be repeated even if they're aware of the long term consequences, all that matters is it works in the short term. The emotional reaction speed is so much faster than the decision making part of the brain. I've let go of that anger upon reading that.

Another interesting part was regarding emotional scales. The book mentions a hypothetical scale of 0 to 100 that encompasses all human emotion. A non would be around 20 on the scale on a normal day, a person with BPD would be around 80. Now imagine that something slightly upsetting happens to you which adds 5 points, you're now at 25 on the scale, annoyed/upset/sad but nothing that would send you off the rails. A BPD sufferer is now at 85 and needs to ease those feelings. Helped me put the perceived overreactions to minor stuff in to perspective.

There's also a lot about validation which as helped too. It's broken down in to 5 or 6 different levels of validation, and there's also guidance on how to pay attention to your own feelings, even to how your body is reacting to their behaviour and how it's important to validate yourself before you attempt to do it for them.

All good stuff so far 

[CMJ]

I've sent her a Christmas card with an Amazon voucher.
Kept the message short, simply said that last time we spoke I'd noticed she'd not been at work or posting for a while, that I hoped she was doing ok now, and that I'm still proud of her. No JADEing, raking over what happened, or anything emotional.

Now we see what happens I guess 

[heartandwhole]

Hi CMJ,

That was a kind gesture. When was the last time you spoke?

heartandwhole

[CMJ]

Hi Heartandwhole

Depends what you mean by spoke.
Last conversation was back in August, last time she replied to a message of mine during the silent treatment was towards the end of September, and the last time she messaged me was early October telling me she was never contacting me again.

We've been here before, she's also expressed regret and a degree of self awareness about her actions previously so I'm quietly optimistic that she'll respond positively. When she goes in to blocking mode it seems to be the best course of action is to leave her alone for a while, and then let her know I've not gone anywhere. I'd have reached out sooner but my own anxiety has been high for a long time, and I just haven't had the energy to attempt it until now.

[CMJ]

Morning all

No response so far, but there has been two "hmmmm, interesting" moments.

1. Yesterday I awoke to an email from Amazon advising that the voucher I sent her had been redeemed.

2. I've seen an Instagram post of hers that has some shelves in the background. Stood on one shelf is the Christmas card I sent her.

So it would appear to be a positive reaction. I mean you wouldn't display a Christmas card from someone you dislike would you?
Still unblocked on FB too.
But I'm not getting ahead of myself as this is all just assumption on my part. I'm happy to leave the ball in her court and let her come to me if/when she's ready.