Confused

[zo]

After years of living with my alcoholic and verbally abusive husband, I think I have finally made the connection that he is indeed suffering from BPD.  Here's why it took so long (15 years!):  despite evidence to the contrary I often felt like things were my fault in our relationship.  I felt like since I occasionally felt jealous, or angry, or could say something hurtful, how could I hold him to some totally different standard?  But the thing is--the reactions and the actions of my husband are different than mine.  When he feels angry, it ruins the entire evening--for everyone!  When he feels jealous, I must be cheating on him (I never have!)  When he is angry, he still brings up a desire to see other people or end our relationship.  He is also an active alcoholic who pretends that his drinking does not affect our relationship.  He also has an expectation that I shouldn't be upset with his behavior once he is no longer angry. About 10 years ago after a particularly ugly incident, he went to therapy, and the therapist did indeed diagnose my husband with BPD.  That diagnoses was diminished by the therapist (He said he 'had to write something for the insurance" when I joined them for couples therapy--which only proved to further confuse me.  I wish I had learned more about BPD 10 years ago--I might have realized just how accurate a diagnoses it was!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Beacher]

Me too! This forum is a godsend. When one therapist mentioned to me ‘it sounds like a personality disorder’ I immediately looked it up and he met all the symptoms. The rages, fear of abandonment, destroyed relationships, it fit him to a T. Definitely a lot of gaslighting and making me feel I was crazy and not hearing things correctly. I must say it has certainly been a learning experience but doesn’t take away the pain of a failed relationship that I thought was true love forever. Live and learn.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi zo,

I'd like to join Beacher in welcoming you to the family.  What event/s led you to put the pieces together in your mind and brought you to the site?  I'm sorry to hear that you felt to blame for the issues in the r/s.  No one individual is solely responsible for the way a r/s plays out.  The good news is you're certainly in the right place for support and understanding, so I'm glad you found us.  Take a good read of others' posts, which will assure you you're far from alone, and you'll also find a wealth of reliable information here.  The basic relationship skills in the Tools menu are a great place to start, as well as the lessons to the right side of the board.  I'd encourage you to post your story when you're ready, as this can help to give a background and some understanding of your unique situation.  It also lets us know how best we can help you.  How are you feeling right now?

Love and light x