UpwBPD Exbf Sent Another Message

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It had been two months of NC between myself and my exbf. After his last hurtful text message as well as some personal revelations (getting someone else pregnant), I decided not to pursue anything. Then, two weeks ago, my ex sent another "goodbye" message. This time an email. I was surprised because I didn't think he had my email address nor has he ever tried to contact me in that way.

Essentially, he briefly apologized for his baby momma's harassment then went on to discuss how happy she makes him etc. I know I should not have opened his email, however, his headline seemed maudlin. As if he were sending me a suicide note. I was, obviously, wrong. The entire tone of this email was condescending. I could not fathom why he felt it necessary to hurt me further, especially since I have not reached out.

My ex also told me he knows I haven't moved on and gave me permission to do so. He wrote, "K and my son are the best things to ever happen to me. I hope you can find someone that makes you just as happy as K makes me." Odd words considering, again, I hadn't been sending him any love letters or pleas to return. Plus, when we were talking he always initiated our conversations. I hardly ever initiated anything.

As you can expect I did cry after reading the email. It brought up all of my feelings of inadequacy, anger and sadness due to his behavior. Most of all, it left me feeling extremely small. As if I were a bug simply to be crushed under his shoe. Why such behavior? The more I attempt to understand BPD and Narcissism, the more questions I am left with than answers. Was this a ploy to receive some sort of reaction? One he outright said not to attempt at the end of his letter? (Not that I have or would). Or was it to somehow make himself feel better? I honestly don't know.

My T and P both think he will never stop reaching out. They think he thrives on the attention. It has also been told to me by both that my ex M probably wishes to lash out due to his own unhappiness. My friends and family have additionally reiterated these same sentiments. I think they're right, but, seriously, why not say you're unhappy? Or send a genuine apology instead of one dripping with condescension? I suppose it's because people with BPD and Narcissism are wired differently than us Non's. They do not think the we we do; they do not have the emotional capacity to react normally to others.

I don't exactly know what I'm asking of the chat here. I guess I'm simply venting. What I have gone through is so isolating. I only have a select few friends that truly understand what I'm going through since they themselves have gone through it. Emotionally abusive relationships are difficult to accept, comprehend, heal and let go of. Even now I know I still carry my ex in my heart since I unconditionally loved him.

This entire experience has been hellish. It also doesn't help that I compare myself to his new gf. She is so unlike me in every way. In fact, she is the antithesis of everything he said he wanted in a partner. K is a party girl, has a large number of sexual partners, is overweight, easy to anger, manipulative, and thinks of their baby as a bargaining chip etc. Still she is who he picked. It makes every moment I shared with him seem that much more cheap. It's odd to say but if K had been a good person then this separation would probably have been easier on me. I guess because I wouldn't feel as though he began a family with someone so unappreciative of it. (For anyone confused, in prior posts I discussed losing a child with M. I had a miscarriage).

I'm so tired chat. So tired. And sad. Despondent. Confused. Every time things seem okay he returns. I'm hyper vigilant these days. My PTSD mostly likely doesn't help matters either. I always feel as though something ominous is going to happen now. That I shouldn't invest too much in my personal happiness because I'll only end up losing it in the end.

Has anyone else in chat been given such weird emails/messages after long periods of NC? Any thoughts on why? And any advice on how to find some sort of inner peace again? I'd really like to know. Thank you.

[JWebb88]

It had been two months of NC between myself and my exbf. After his last hurtful text message as well as some personal revelations (getting someone else pregnant), I decided not to pursue anything. Then, two weeks ago, my ex sent another "goodbye" message. This time an email. I was surprised because I didn't think he had my email address nor has he ever tried to contact me in that way.

Essentially, he briefly apologized for his baby momma's harassment then went on to discuss how happy she makes him etc. I know I should not have opened his email, however, his headline seemed maudlin. As if he were sending me a suicide note. I was, obviously, wrong. The entire tone of this email was condescending. I could not fathom why he felt it necessary to hurt me further, especially since I have not reached out.

My ex also told me he knows I haven't moved on and gave me permission to do so. He wrote, "K and my son are the best things to ever happen to me. I hope you can find someone that makes you just as happy as K makes me." Odd words considering, again, I hadn't been sending him any love letters or pleas to return. Plus, when we were talking he always initiated our conversations. I hardly ever initiated anything.

As you can expect I did cry after reading the email. It brought up all of my feelings of inadequacy, anger and sadness due to his behavior. Most of all, it left me feeling extremely small. As if I were a bug simply to be crushed under his shoe. Why such behavior? The more I attempt to understand BPD and Narcissism, the more questions I am left with than answers. Was this a ploy to receive some sort of reaction? One he outright said not to attempt at the end of his letter? (Not that I have or would). Or was it to somehow make himself feel better? I honestly don't know.

My T and P both think he will never stop reaching out. They think he thrives on the attention. It has also been told to me by both that my ex M probably wishes to lash out due to his own unhappiness. My friends and family have additionally reiterated these same sentiments. I think they're right, but, seriously, why not say you're unhappy? Or send a genuine apology instead of one dripping with condescension? I suppose it's because people with BPD and Narcissism are wired differently than us Non's. They do not think the we we do; they do not have the emotional capacity to react normally to others.

I don't exactly know what I'm asking of the chat here. I guess I'm simply venting. What I have gone through is so isolating. I only have a select few friends that truly understand what I'm going through since they themselves have gone through it. Emotionally abusive relationships are difficult to accept, comprehend, heal and let go of. Even now I know I still carry my ex in my heart since I unconditionally loved him.

This entire experience has been hellish. It also doesn't help that I compare myself to his new gf. She is so unlike me in every way. In fact, she is the antithesis of everything he said he wanted in a partner. K is a party girl, has a large number of sexual partners, is overweight, easy to anger, manipulative, and thinks of their baby as a bargaining chip etc. Still she is who he picked. It makes every moment I shared with him seem that much more cheap. It's odd to say but if K had been a good person then this separation would probably have been easier on me. I guess because I wouldn't feel as though he began a family with someone so unappreciative of it. (For anyone confused, in prior posts I discussed losing a child with M. I had a miscarriage).

I'm so tired chat. So tired. And sad. Despondent. Confused. Every time things seem okay he returns. I'm hyper vigilant these days. My PTSD mostly likely doesn't help matters either. I always feel as though something ominous is going to happen now. That I shouldn't invest too much in my personal happiness because I'll only end up losing it in the end.

Has anyone else in chat been given such weird emails/messages after long periods of NC? Any thoughts on why? And any advice on how to find some sort of inner peace again? I'd really like to know. Thank you.

[Harley Quinn]

You've already realised that it wasn't healthy for you to read his words.
I hope for your sake that this was the last you'll hear from him for a long time if ever.  What you need is distance and time to move forwards and heal.  I'm so glad that you have support from professionals and can begin to work on taking back your life from here.  Quite often we do struggle with depression after such an experience and this can make it much more difficult to get through such times, so ask for extra help if you need it, from friends, family, doctors if necessary. 

You've been through a lot and it's important to care for yourself at this time, no matter how contrived it feels.  Eventually you will form good habits and can make these lifelong.  Focusing on you can allow you to turn your attention gradually away from ruminating on the contact and instead onto your future, which can be whatever you choose for it to be.  Although the prospect of the future can be scary and anxiety provoking, anxious feelings in the body can also be similar to those of excited anticipation, so try to tell yourself that the future is exciting and wonderful possibilities await.  This worked for me at times, to translate those bodily sensations into something else and fool the mind.  In reality, wonderful possibilities can await if we decide to create them for ourselves.  You're doing great work by having therapy and it can take time for you to gain the full benefits which will happen gradually, so keep it up.  This is your life to write now, and you hold the pen.  Perhaps now would be a good time to write some personal goals for your life.  You could include what your ideal r/s would look like, and focus on what you do want, as opposed to what you don't.  Put it out there.  It can't hurt.

In the words of a quote I read once Don't keep looking back on the past - you're not going that way. 

Love and light x   

[JWebb88]

You've already realised that it wasn't healthy for you to read his words.
I hope for your sake that this was the last you'll hear from him for a long time if ever.  What you need is distance and time to move forwards and heal.  I'm so glad that you have support from professionals and can begin to work on taking back your life from here.  Quite often we do struggle with depression after such an experience and this can make it much more difficult to get through such times, so ask for extra help if you need it, from friends, family, doctors if necessary. 

You've been through a lot and it's important to care for yourself at this time, no matter how contrived it feels.  Eventually you will form good habits and can make these lifelong.  Focusing on you can allow you to turn your attention gradually away from ruminating on the contact and instead onto your future, which can be whatever you choose for it to be.  Although the prospect of the future can be scary and anxiety provoking, anxious feelings in the body can also be similar to those of excited anticipation, so try to tell yourself that the future is exciting and wonderful possibilities await.  This worked for me at times, to translate those bodily sensations into something else and fool the mind.  In reality, wonderful possibilities can await if we decide to create them for ourselves.  You're doing great work by having therapy and it can take time for you to gain the full benefits which will happen gradually, so keep it up.  This is your life to write now, and you hold the pen.  Perhaps now would be a good time to write some personal goals for your life.  You could include what your ideal r/s would look like, and focus on what you do want, as opposed to what you don't.  Put it out there.  It can't hurt.

In the words of a quote I read once Don't keep looking back on the past - you're not going that way. 

Love and light x   

Thank you for responding to my post. You're definitely right that distancing myself from him will be healing for me. I was actual feeling okay about everything before he sent that final e-mail. I think his latest message affected me as much as it did because reading it helped solidify that my ex is truly lost. He's this unrecognizable person to me now.

I don't know if I'll ever understand the why of his actions, including this e-mail. Sometimes I feel that if I can decipher his actions and make sense of his senselessness then maybe I can move on quicker. I'm the type of person that likes having all the answers. I also like to prepare myself for the future. In this case, the future being how I'll handle his behavior if he reaches out again or becomes even more aggressive. It's hard for me to stop my mind from turning everything that has happened over in my head. I am, however, trying to keep myself occupied.

Thank you again for your advice. You gave me some good coping activities to get me through all of this. I really appreciate that. Here's hoping 2018 is a better year.

[Harley Quinn]

I feel for you, as I'm that same type of person.  At an old job "I need to know" became my catchphrase.  It's hard when you don't have all the pieces - confusing and frustrating.  One of the things that I feel I got out of the experience overall (in hindsight) was actually learning to let go of that 'need to know' and allowing myself to instead accept that I don't need to know any more about what makes him think, feel or act the way he does.  He just does and it's no longer my issue to work out.  By putting less energy into trying to understand him, I gave myself more energy to put into more positive things for me.  Trust me, it wasn't overnight.  But each small step in the right direction adds up.  I am certain 2018 can and ought to be a much better year by far.  Dream big.

Love and light x