Confirming the diagnosis

[Cot69]

Hi All,
I am surgeon, my wife is also a medical doctor and both of us have 2 children (5&3y). I feel that my wife has strong traits of BPD but reluctant to seek any help at all. I don't want to self diagnose her even though I had a basic teaching in Psychiatry in Medical school. Last 7 years have been very difficult and I had a give up a lot because of her. (family, friends, career aspirations and PhD). I want to save our relationship and get the necessary help for my wife. What are my options ?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Cot69,



Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. May I ask, does she have any self-awareness about her behaviors or does she blame you for things for the most part?

A lot of us have partners with no diagnosis, I know in my case I just try to deal with the behaviors that I see and do the best I can.

I think, all things considered, and my husband is also high functioning (in other areas) and highly educated... .the first place to put the focus is on yourself. There is a lot to read here and then try to practice about how to interact with your partner. It is not always intuitive and can really challenge all you thought you knew about relationships - I know it has for me! You might want to start with the lessons to the right side of the board, read up on lots of other posts, especially on the Improving board which also has some success stories. There are a lot of lessons and workshops and other members to ask questions to here.

Can you share more details of her more troubling behaviors at home?

I wish you peace on your journey with these issues, pearlsw.

[Cot69]

Dear PearlSw,

Many thanks for your reply and the suggestions for reading.
I bought “Stop walking on egg shells” ebook and that’s how I found out about this forum.

My wife has been highly unpredictable. At times very loving and attached and at times raging with anger and refuse to talk to me for hours. Has very significant abandonment issues. I should be contactable all times to her and she wants me to ring her at least once while I am at work. Being in theatre doing long cases and emergency surgery this has been difficult at times. Initially I was very shocked to findout how upset she would get I I am not contactable. Learning more about BPD has given me a fresh perspective.

She also likes to play games with me where I am suppose to guess her mood and do what she thinks is the approval reaction to it. I find it very difficult and she says sometimes when she is angry and verbally abusive I am supposed to console her.( in her own words).

Even buying gifts is a nightmare. She says don’t get me anything for b’days or anniversaries but gets very upset if I don’t. Also when I get her something like jewellery she is never happy and has returned it many times. What she had kept behind, she never used.

She can be very loving to the kids but at times scolds them for minor things.

My other main worry is that at times she is showing some traits of narcissistic personality such as grandiosity and fixation being powerful and Having control over others but not working towards any such goals.

She is very selfish and feels very entitled and hates others praising me even the slightly. Once someone gave a good comment about a new jacket I was wearing and I found that my jacket was missing soon after. When I told her about it as I couldn’t find it for days suddenly it appeared in a place I looked before but it was torn at many places.

She dismisses all my friends and their partners and have never made any efforts to become friends with them. She feels very entitled that she is a doctor and they are not. She hates me taking to my friends but furious if I try to talk or help their partners.

She hates me taking to my parents and my sister. She hardly talks to her own two sisters. She can be very abusive to her own parents. She still feels that her elderly parents should still look after her than the other way around.

[pearlsw]

Hi again Cot69,

I notice you posted here on Saving, are you in the midst of an immediate crisis? An impending break up or about to break up? Or do you feel like you want to work on techniques to Improve the relationship? I'm not sure if you've noticed, but each of the boards is a bit different, has a different culture. I sometimes used to think to post here on Saving because I deal with constant breakup threats, and I am often about to break up, but actually I got shifted over to Improving when I first came on as a member because... .I was really interested in using the communication tools here. I love to learn, and learning about communication is something I chose to embrace, no matter how my current relationship fares in the long run.  Communication skills always serve one well in life I believe.

Seems like this is early times for you... .how do you feel about your relationship at this point? Are you ready to do work on yourself to help potentially make things better, or at least not make them worse?

It sounds like you are dealing with quite a lot of troubling behaviors here. You just got Stop Walking on Eggshells? Oh good! That will help you feel less alone in this and clear up some of the confusion many of us face as we sort this all out! I know, even after many months here I still need to take time to sort things out, start fresh in my thoughts around this stuff, and reassess everything.

As you spend more time here you'll find that there are very specific tools for a whole host of things many of us deal with: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

One thing to keep in mind is some of us have similar situations, some vary, but this is a great space because unlike other places on the internet we try to keep away from total negativity and where appropriate offer hope. I tend to think there is always hope, and I will think that literally even if I am signing divorce papers next week! Where there is life there is hope.

I hope others join us here - there is a lot of collective experience here, people at all points along this journey!

take care, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Oh, one more follow up... .you say she is unpredictable, but what patterns do you perhaps see now that you can take a fresh look at it? What triggers here have you noticed?

Oh, and the lessons on boundaries on that link I shared are going to be invaluable to you I think. It is very important that you are able to set the boundaries you need so that you are able to function at work!

By the way, some early tools that help are also how to validate, and not validate the invalid, and how not to JADE. (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) Those tools are gold!