I keep on checking his profile, analysing his listening behaviour.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Him being with someone else is just all I think about. My upwBPD and I are both really big music lovers and both active on last.fm, which is a website where you can see all the music you listen to. I keep on checking his profile, analysing his listening behaviour. "Oh he's listen to these albums this late in the evening? He must be with someone." "Oh could he be listening to this song because he misses me?" "Or to this song because he's in love with someone new". Yesterday I saw he listened to a song called "Laughing on the outside", which is about pretending you're fine but secretly really missing the person you broke up with and I felt kind of happy because I thought he was listening to it because of me, but then I researched it and it's in the soundtrack of a new Netflix series he must be watching. So then I was devastated again.

It's now been 17 days since our last contact (that day he broke it off with me for the third time), the longest we've been no contact before was 11 days. I miss him so much. I think I really lost him for good now. I keep on blaming myself. Saying I should've paid him more attention, spent more time with him, showing my appreciation more, giving him less reasons to leave me.

This weekend I was with my uncle, who's a psychologist, and I told him everything about my exes behaviour. The more I told my uncle, the more shocked he was. It was quite a wake up call to see how he reacted to my stories about my ex. He said this was a really really problematic person. I never expected my uncle, who sees persons with really big psychological problems every day, to react like this. He said it was really bad. I try to replay these conversations in my head, try to convince myself that my ex wasn't good for me, that it wasn't my fault but his, that he would have never made me happy in the long term. But it's just too hard.

The only picture I see in my dreams (if I fall asleep at all) is him with someone else, being happy, living the life I imagined for us. I wake up sweating, heart beating, every time. I spend way too much time on social media to try to find out who he's with, but it's just not possible because my ex is very private when it comes to social media (you can't see more than our mutual friends on facebook for example).

I just wish I could accept that it's over, find peace with it, believe what all my friends and family are saying: that it's better like this. But I just love and miss him and I wish he would message me.

[blooming]

Him being with someone else is just all I think about. My upwBPD and I are both really big music lovers and both active on last.fm, which is a website where you can see all the music you listen to. I keep on checking his profile, analysing his listening behaviour. "Oh he's listen to these albums this late in the evening? He must be with someone." "Oh could he be listening to this song because he misses me?" "Or to this song because he's in love with someone new". Yesterday I saw he listened to a song called "Laughing on the outside", which is about pretending you're fine but secretly really missing the person you broke up with and I felt kind of happy because I thought he was listening to it because of me, but then I researched it and it's in the soundtrack of a new Netflix series he must be watching. So then I was devastated again.

It's now been 17 days since our last contact (that day he broke it off with me for the third time), the longest we've been no contact before was 11 days. I miss him so much. I think I really lost him for good now. I keep on blaming myself. Saying I should've paid him more attention, spent more time with him, showing my appreciation more, giving him less reasons to leave me.

This weekend I was with my uncle, who's a psychologist, and I told him everything about my exes behaviour. The more I told my uncle, the more shocked he was. It was quite a wake up call to see how he reacted to my stories about my ex. He said this was a really really problematic person. I never expected my uncle, who sees persons with really big psychological problems every day, to react like this. He said it was really bad. I try to replay these conversations in my head, try to convince myself that my ex wasn't good for me, that it wasn't my fault but his, that he would have never made me happy in the long term. But it's just too hard.

The only picture I see in my dreams (if I fall asleep at all) is him with someone else, being happy, living the life I imagined for us. I wake up sweating, heart beating, every time. I spend way too much time on social media to try to find out who he's with, but it's just not possible because my ex is very private when it comes to social media (you can't see more than our mutual friends on facebook for example).

I just wish I could accept that it's over, find peace with it, believe what all my friends and family are saying: that it's better like this. But I just love and miss him and I wish he would message me.

[Skip]

I never expected my uncle, who sees persons with really big psychological problems every day, to react like this. He said it was really bad.

But you know him better and, deep down, don't believe this based on the totality if your experience. This disconnect - this gap - is one you need to resolve.

It's hard.

My upwBPD and I are both really big music lovers and both active on last.fm, which is a website where you can see all the music you listen to. I keep on checking his profile... .

Don't do this!   

Everyone does some of this, but it is so unreliable.  I listened to Billy Joel all all last week - haven't listened to him in years. Why? Do I share the social outlook written by Billy Joel in the 1970s? Does it remind me of a old love who shared these songs with me? Was I entertaining someone who likes Billy Joel? Am I going to a Billy Joel concert with a women?

No. I have a grand piano that I don't play. I decided to learn a few songs.

We are often craving feedback and take up these proxies and they can run our emotions up and down for no reason at all.

Hang in there. This is hard.

[blooming]

But you know him better and, deep down, don't believe this based on the totality if your experience. This disconnect - this gap - is one you need to resolve.

I don't understand exactly what you mean by this. Which disconnect? Do you mean that my uncle is exaggerating and it wasn't as bad as he thinks it is?

Don't do this!   

Everyone does some of this, but it is so unreliable.  I listened to Billy Joel all all last week - haven't listened to him in years. Why? Do I share the social outlook written by Billy Joel in the 1970s? Does it remind me of a old love who shared these songs with me? Was I entertaining someone who likes Billy Joel? Am I going to a Billy Joel concert with a women?

No. I have a grand piano that I don't play. I decided to learn a few songs.

We are often craving feedback and take up these proxies and they can run our emotions up and down for no reason at all.

Hang in there. This is hard.

Hmmm, it's just that I know my ex and his listening behaviour too well. He puts on certain albums when he's alone and certain albums when he's with his friends and certain albums when he's on dates. And I already know that he's dating again, heck he started dating again two days after we broke up.

What hurts the most, more than him already seeing other girls, is that he seems to have forgotten about me already and doesn't feel the need to contact me and see how I'm doing. Even though he knows what state I am in.

[Skip]

Hmmm, it's just that I know my ex and his listening behaviour too well.

Is this helping you? It's not a rhetorical question. Unpack it. What is this doing for you good and bad.

I don't understand exactly what you mean by this. Which disconnect? Do you mean that my uncle is exaggerating and it wasn't as bad as he thinks it is?

It means that there is a gap between what you uncle says and what you believe. If you thought this guy was toxic, you would be glad its over. I suspect you see this more as "sometimes he toxic" and sometimes "very attractive".

[blooming]

Is this helping you? It's not a rhetorical question. Unpack it. What is this doing for you good and bad.

No it's not helping me, I know it isn't. It's just a way to keep him alive inside my head, now that I don't speak to him anymore or know what he's doing with his day. It's so hard to let go of him, to accept that he's truly gone now, happy with someone else, already forgetting me. I blocked the website for a week on my laptop, I hope this will help me look at it less.

It means that there is a gap between what you uncle says and what you believe. If you thought this guy was toxic, you would be glad its over. I suspect you see this more as "sometimes he toxic" and sometimes "very attractive".

Oh now I understand! Yes, that gap is very very present. I wish I could tell myself that he's not good for me and that it would never have worked, not anymore, not after the switch flipped inside his head. But I just keep thinking about how good it was in the beginning and I kind of got used to his passive aggressive outbreaks, so they didn't shock me as much anymore as they do others when I tell them about them. He has also made me feel so good about myself. I'm a very insecure person and I've never felt more loved than when I was with him (he was my first boyfriend too, I have been mentally ill myself for quite a long time so I was never open to any male attention or anything physical, because It made me feel too insecure and exposed). It just hurts so much that for him it wasn't as special as it was for me. That he could just throw it away like that, that in just one moment something changed inside his head and he was done with me, bored by me, not liking being around me anymore, not respecting me anymore. It just feels like I did something awfully wrong.

[Jeffree]

Why are you torturing yourself like this? My head hurts just thinking of how you're twisting yourself into such knots.

J

[Skip]

He has also made me feel so good about myself. I'm a very insecure person and I've never felt more loved than when I was with him (he was my first boyfriend too, I have been mentally ill myself for quite a long time so I was never open to any male attention or anything physical, because It made me feel too insecure and exposed).

What do you struggle with?

It just hurts so much that for him it wasn't as special as it was for me. That he could just throw it away like that, that in just one moment something changed inside his head and he was done with me, bored by me, not liking being around me anymore, not respecting me anymore. It just feels like I did something awfully wrong.

I think that this is the hardest thing any of us face whenever we are "left behind"... .we thing this way. I have thought this too.

I've come to think that it takes a lot to make a relationship work for a long time. Maybe this is a relationship that had 75% compatibility and it ran its course. Maybe the next will be 85%. Then maybe the next will be the long termer.

Maybe we need to cherish what we had and relalize it was only ever ment to be __24 months. We were very compatible, but not that compatible.

[Pretty Woman]

 Blooming,
  The hardest part is forgiving yourself and letting go... .it's a process and it doesn't take overnight, that's for sure.

Your ex's attitude toward you is HIS problem. It does not define who you are. You can try to crawl into his head but you will never be able to decipher his way of reasoning, especially if he is disordered.

It will never make sense... .it's not supposed to.

Trying to read into things only hurts YOU. I know, we've all done it. Even now, three years out of a relationship with my ex, NC, I still wonder how the heck she is making it work with the person I was replaced with. They just got engaged over New Years and there are pictures and posts all over the place.

We belong in several online meetup groups and all her profile descriptions gush over her fiancée... .which is a weird thing to put in a personal description! What I've noticed is in the groups where my profile is hidden she has NOT changed her profile... .

it's all a game to garner a reaction.

And yup... .it works!

Dating a person with a disorder is very much an addiction. You are only remembering the good and clinging to that. That is what you have to put aside.

All the nasty things your ex did to you, that is who he is. He is likely not capable of being empathetic or kind. You are not going to change him or make him better... .

the only person you can make better is yourself.

You need to get your mind off of him. I know I talked about my ex ad-nauseum for months. Coming here helped me vent to people who know what I was experiencing. My poor friends couldn't understand why I was so hung up on someone so terrible.

When you feel like talking about your ex, post here. Try to do things to get him off your mind. If you have meetups in your area, join one. You are less likely to talk about your ex with strangers. Even if it's just for a few hours, go and enjoy yourself doing something with people who don't know the situation.

It hurts. I know you are hurting, but he does not hold the key to your happiness. You survived before him and you will survive after. Keep posting, and again, stop beating yourself up. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling, you went through a very traumatic situation.

 
PW

[ynwa]

Hey there Blooming.    This thing, what you are feeling is hard.  There is no other way to put it right?  And if something seems really hard, it is a good idea to step back and think about a way to handle it. 

The stories and thoughts are fresh. You are still very much in it, so be easy on yourself.  This is a lot of "firsts" for you, a lot of things you probably did not expect or prepare to have to handle.  So handle them with care and one by one. 

This will get better and it WILL get easier.  Give yourself space to understand that.  Close your eyes and know.  YOU CAN DO THIS.   You have control of THIS minute and the next.  And that will grow and grow. 

We will be here.   I know what you are feeling is deeply personal, but believe me, I have been RIGHT where you are, and in many ways I still am.   

YOU CAN DO THIS!

[Shoct]

hi blooming,

Ugh, I totally understand what you describe. So many scenarios we create in our heads when we don't know what is really happening. What I have come to understand in my experience was that even when I thought things were good I really had no idea what was really happening (in regards to her thoughts, behaviors, schemes). Having no contact after this addiction makes our brain try to plug in the holes--again, creating scenarios.

I am so very sorry this happened to you. It is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, the devastation after the end of a BPD r/s.

I went back and forth with my ex's social media (instagram in this case), I would look at every photo, read every comment, look for insight in every tag, triangulate dates/locations, etc. Then, after that consumed me, I would stop looking. But, after a couple of days I couldn't resist, and I would go to look again.

I stopped all of that 2 weeks ago, approx. I have not looked once. I could easily look, but I finally came to the realization that, for me, it only served to be a short term fix--and satisfied nothing. Worse than that, it would bring me right back to that place of hurt that I struggled to escape from. I can honestly say that after 2 weeks of NC (complete NC) it is easier to have moments where I don't think of her at all. My mind always circles back to her, but it is less frequent and no longer brings me to my knees. This is something I am wary of, as in the past couple of days, as I feel 'stronger', I tell myself it is ok to look, to see what she is up to. But that is the trap.

For me, right now, I have to pretend that she doesn't exist. I hope as time goes on I will be able to look again, but then it won't matter, because before I can do that I have to have be completely indifferent.

Good luck... .if you think you need to stop the r/s and it is beyond repair, you should consider not looking at anything dealing with him. 

[Maxpax2011]

I have done some analyzing regarding my exBPD and her Social Media, I have her blocked on Facebook, but have checked out her Pinterest from time to time, and she posts some nice stuff about the new partner, but also some negative stuff about him, so the new relationship is not as grand as she makes it out to be. But she also posts stuff about men leaving her, and not appreciating her. One was about a guy not knowing what he had or lost, and one about not overlooking her faults etc. So I imagine our break up is still on her mind. Hence that means I am on her mind once in a while. As everyone says, their emotions go from one extreme to the other, and I am sure we are on their minds from time to time, from hating us to missing us and everything in between.

[blooming]

Blooming,
  The hardest part is forgiving yourself and letting go... .it's a process and it doesn't take overnight, that's for sure.

Your ex's attitude toward you is HIS problem. It does not define who you are. You can try to crawl into his head but you will never be able to decipher his way of reasoning, especially if he is disordered.

It will never make sense... .it's not supposed to.

Trying to read into things only hurts YOU. I know, we've all done it. Even now, three years out of a relationship with my ex, NC, I still wonder how the heck she is making it work with the person I was replaced with. They just got engaged over New Years and there are pictures and posts all over the place.

We belong in several online meetup groups and all her profile descriptions gush over her fiancée... .which is a weird thing to put in a personal description! What I've noticed is in the groups where my profile is hidden she has NOT changed her profile... .

it's all a game to garner a reaction.

And yup... .it works!

Dating a person with a disorder is very much an addiction. You are only remembering the good and clinging to that. That is what you have to put aside.

All the nasty things your ex did to you, that is who he is. He is likely not capable of being empathetic or kind. You are not going to change him or make him better... .

the only person you can make better is yourself.

You need to get your mind off of him. I know I talked about my ex ad-nauseum for months. Coming here helped me vent to people who know what I was experiencing. My poor friends couldn't understand why I was so hung up on someone so terrible.

When you feel like talking about your ex, post here. Try to do things to get him off your mind. If you have meetups in your area, join one. You are less likely to talk about your ex with strangers. Even if it's just for a few hours, go and enjoy yourself doing something with people who don't know the situation.

It hurts. I know you are hurting, but he does not hold the key to your happiness. You survived before him and you will survive after. Keep posting, and again, stop beating yourself up. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling, you went through a very traumatic situation.

 
PW

Hi Pretty Woman!

Thank you very much for your reply. It really helped. It is also nice to know that it's okay to post here, because I sometimes feel like I am posting too much, because my problems seem small compared to what some of you have experienced.

You are so right, it only hurts to try to read his mind and imagine what he's doing with his days. I blocked that music website from my phone and laptop so I can't look at his profile anymore, I hope that helps. It's just so hard not to hear from him anymore, I don't understand why he doesn't want to know how I'm doing. His other exes he recycled way more times and also for longer periods, so I kind of feel like a failure because with us that didn't happen.

Letting go is indeed the hardest part. I'm not there yet. I still can't see that it's better this way. It indeed feels like an addiction.

It must be quite difficult for you to see your ex so happy with your replacement, I hope I will be spared.

I also notice that my friends and family don't really understand why I can't let him go. They don't understand that I'm not angry at him for hurting me so much or that I'm not relieved that it's over.

[blooming]

What do you struggle with?

I struggle with anorexia nervosa, but have recovered 90% or something (I don't think full recovery is possible when it comes to eating disorders) when it comes to the eating part. Low self esteem and perfectionism are still very much present though, I am still seeing a therapist for that.

I think that this is the hardest thing any of us face whenever we are "left behind"... .we thing this way. I have thought this too.

I've come to think that it takes a lot to make a relationship work for a long time. Maybe this is a relationship that had 75% compatibility and it ran its course. Maybe the next will be 85%. Then maybe the next will be the long termer.

Maybe we need to cherish what we had and relalize it was only ever ment to be __24 months. We were very compatible, but not that compatible.

Yes that is true, it's a nice way to look at it that way. In some way I should be happy we had our time together and that most of it was mostly good. Yes, he had longer relationships with some of his exes, but those relationships were full of break ups and big arguments and cheating and things like that. He never cheated on me and we never really argued, but that was mostly because I just didn't get angry back at him and just let him say what he needed to say and waited until he calmed down, hower long that may have taken. But it's hard to think that way.

[blooming]

Hey there Blooming.    This thing, what you are feeling is hard.  There is no other way to put it right?  And if something seems really hard, it is a good idea to step back and think about a way to handle it. 

The stories and thoughts are fresh. You are still very much in it, so be easy on yourself.  This is a lot of "firsts" for you, a lot of things you probably did not expect or prepare to have to handle.  So handle them with care and one by one. 

This will get better and it WILL get easier.  Give yourself space to understand that.  Close your eyes and know.  YOU CAN DO THIS.   You have control of THIS minute and the next.  And that will grow and grow. 

We will be here.   I know what you are feeling is deeply personal, but believe me, I have been RIGHT where you are, and in many ways I still am.   

YOU CAN DO THIS!

Hey ynwa!

Thank you so much for your lovely reply, it feels amazing to have this support group to fall back on with people who understand what you're going through and all the crazy feelings you're feeling.

[blooming]

hi blooming,

Ugh, I totally understand what you describe. So many scenarios we create in our heads when we don't know what is really happening. What I have come to understand in my experience was that even when I thought things were good I really had no idea what was really happening (in regards to her thoughts, behaviors, schemes). Having no contact after this addiction makes our brain try to plug in the holes--again, creating scenarios.

I am so very sorry this happened to you. It is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, the devastation after the end of a BPD r/s.

I went back and forth with my ex's social media (instagram in this case), I would look at every photo, read every comment, look for insight in every tag, triangulate dates/locations, etc. Then, after that consumed me, I would stop looking. But, after a couple of days I couldn't resist, and I would go to look again.

I stopped all of that 2 weeks ago, approx. I have not looked once. I could easily look, but I finally came to the realization that, for me, it only served to be a short term fix--and satisfied nothing. Worse than that, it would bring me right back to that place of hurt that I struggled to escape from. I can honestly say that after 2 weeks of NC (complete NC) it is easier to have moments where I don't think of her at all. My mind always circles back to her, but it is less frequent and no longer brings me to my knees. This is something I am wary of, as in the past couple of days, as I feel 'stronger', I tell myself it is ok to look, to see what she is up to. But that is the trap.

For me, right now, I have to pretend that she doesn't exist. I hope as time goes on I will be able to look again, but then it won't matter, because before I can do that I have to have be completely indifferent.

Good luck... .if you think you need to stop the r/s and it is beyond repair, you should consider not looking at anything dealing with him.  

The feelings you describe sound very much like mine. I think I must also start to pretend he doesn't exist, I think it's the only way to get over him and my addiction to him. But it's so sad to do that, because to do that I must start to accept that it is truly over now and it will never again be like it was between us.

It was him who broke up with me (3 times in 2 months), so I guess he was the one who decided for us that the r/s is beyond repair. Everytime he wanted to try again he started distancing himself from me after a week or so, he just couldn't be with me anymore for some reason, treated me different than before. Without respect and like he didn't really want to be around me. That really hurt.

[blooming]

I have done some analyzing regarding my exBPD and her Social Media, I have her blocked on Facebook, but have checked out her Pinterest from time to time, and she posts some nice stuff about the new partner, but also some negative stuff about him, so the new relationship is not as grand as she makes it out to be. But she also posts stuff about men leaving her, and not appreciating her. One was about a guy not knowing what he had or lost, and one about not overlooking her faults etc. So I imagine our break up is still on her mind. Hence that means I am on her mind once in a while. As everyone says, their emotions go from one extreme to the other, and I am sure we are on their minds from time to time, from hating us to missing us and everything in between.

It's nice to think that I'm on his mind from time to time. I just think it's so unfair that he's on mine ALL the time and I'm struggling so much with this break up, not being able to sleep and feeling very down and sad all the time, while he's already living his life again and meeting new potential partners.

[Maxpax2011]

It's nice to think that I'm on his mind from time to time. I just think it's so unfair that he's on mine ALL the time and I'm struggling so much with this break up, not being able to sleep and feeling very down and sad all the time, while he's already living his life again and meeting new potential partners.

Well like I said you have to remember they don't have the same emotional stability as us. Their emotions are on a different spectrum. It goes with their lack of emotional maturity due to their upbringing. A mature loving person will naturally grieve a loss. Will hurt and think about their lost partner for a long time. But these people have a totally different variation of emotions. They don't grieve long term. They are unable too. Its like the opposite for them. My ex does think about me I'm sure. I do feel that she loved me. But I left her due to the instability and the emotional abuse. In her mind if I loved her I would have stayed, so hence I didn't really love her in her mind. She is already in a serious relationship with someone, I know it is superficial and it's not like what we had, but he is wealthy and so provides her financial security which she always wanted. He helped her remodel her house, he is good to her daughter, and he is good to her from what I heard. Anyways just remember that they do think of us And do miss us, but not in the way we do. It may be unfair but you have to remember they are mentally ill, it's the nature of the beast.

[araneina]

It's nice to think that I'm on his mind from time to time. I just think it's so unfair that he's on mine ALL the time and I'm struggling so much with this break up, not being able to sleep and feeling very down and sad all the time, while he's already living his life again and meeting new potential partners.

 Yyyyep, that's exactly how I feel/felt.  It sucks!  I thought about him ALL THE TIME.  Plus, knowing that he had already been over me while we were "together" and had his sights on another girl just gnawed at me - still does.  Honestly, and this will sound so sophomoric, but I think what bugs me the most is I feel like he "won."  Like, he moved on to a new girl, having a great time with his new job and new life and I'm... .here.  But c'mon girl, you know your ex just like I know mine.  They were sad to their core.  My ex put on a happy face whenever we were in the public eye, but behind closed doors he was broken.  You have the ability to heal and learn from this experience - I'm not sure our exes do.

However... .I am getting better.  I still get pangs of pain when I hear music that reminds me of him or see something that we used to laugh about.  But I am thinking about him less and less every day.  Just... time, girl.  It sucks but that's what it'll take.  Hugs to you.

[blooming]

Well like I said you have to remember they don't have the same emotional stability as us. Their emotions are on a different spectrum. It goes with their lack of emotional maturity due to their upbringing. A mature loving person will naturally grieve a loss. Will hurt and think about their lost partner for a long time. But these people have a totally different variation of emotions. They don't grieve long term. They are unable too. Its like the opposite for them. My ex does think about me I'm sure. I do feel that she loved me. But I left her due to the instability and the emotional abuse. In her mind if I loved her I would have stayed, so hence I didn't really love her in her mind. She is already in a serious relationship with someone, I know it is superficial and it's not like what we had, but he is wealthy and so provides her financial security which she always wanted. He helped her remodel her house, he is good to her daughter, and he is good to her from what I heard. Anyways just remember that they do think of us And do miss us, but not in the way we do. It may be unfair but you have to remember they are mentally ill, it's the nature of the beast.

But my ex left me instead of the other way around  So he can't think I didn't love him because I left him.