just grieivng

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was in therapy today and asked about a support group or a site I could come to for more help and trying to process what has happened to me.  I am currently going thru a divorce from my wife (BPD), and I am just having a real hard time with it period.  She was having a long time affair with someone 20 years older which is another story.  She denied it all the way up until the very end if with her family.  I guess where my head spins, is when she makes statements to her parents and myself why cant people just be ok with the choices I have made... .She has left a trail of devastation... .myself, her two daughters, her family, my family.

The long time affair happen to be with a teacher she had an inappropriate relationship with when she was 16... Fast forward to now He's 60 and shes 38. 

Just lost... .and sad... .it was like a light switch had been turned on and then turned off... .

[JMB]

I was in therapy today and asked about a support group or a site I could come to for more help and trying to process what has happened to me.  I am currently going thru a divorce from my wife (BPD), and I am just having a real hard time with it period.  She was having a long time affair with someone 20 years older which is another story.  She denied it all the way up until the very end if with her family.  I guess where my head spins, is when she makes statements to her parents and myself why cant people just be ok with the choices I have made... .She has left a trail of devastation... .myself, her two daughters, her family, my family.

The long time affair happen to be with a teacher she had an inappropriate relationship with when she was 16... Fast forward to now He's 60 and shes 38. 

Just lost... .and sad... .it was like a light switch had been turned on and then turned off... .

[BeagleGirl]

JMB,
    I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through.  Divorce is hard enough without all the betrayal and lies that go with a long term affair.  Please let us know how we can best help you.
BeagleGirl

[JMB]

 I can understand the BPD and everything that is associated, but I just cant rationalize it if that makes sense, the fact that she is so willing to move on in her life without her family, her daughters, (a husband... .me) that adored her and loved her unconditionally, all of our good friends , without batting an eye... .Thinking that what she is doing is OK, and everyone should just accept it... .

How do I get myself to understand it and "be ok" with it, without any closure, other than being told it typical BPD... .

[JNChell]

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through JMB. Grieving these types of relationships isn’t anything like grieving a healthy one. The feelings seem inhumane. It sounds like she has an overwhelming sense of entitlement and self centeredness by how you described her expecting everyone to accept her actions. I know she’s leaving and I can’t know the amount of pain that you and your daughters are going through because of this. Just hang in there, man. For what it’s worth, I think it’s great that you will have your daughters with you. This site has been a savior for me. There’s a lot of support and knowledge here. You’re not alone in this. Post, post and keep posting. Be kind to yourself.

[Jeffree]

JMB,

I am sorry you are going through this. However, I know the difficulty in wrapping one's mind around the actions of a person you felt so close to only to feel so far from.

While the simple answer to your quandary is that, yes, it is the BPD in her doing the driving. Maybe the following will help you understand why... .

Two dynamics of BPD are the following:

- Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned

- A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)

So, imagine that inside her there is this fear of abandonment, especially when you, your children, her parents, her friends, or whomever else finds out just what a horrible person she THINKS any one of you could think she is. In her mind she only sees one way that that plays out and it involves being abandoned. To beat you to the chase she seeks the approval/arms of a replacement person.

Unfortunately, doing that is the VERY thing that sets the abandonment dialogue in her head going down an even more slippery slope. NOW, she has to safeguard against you finding this out and thinking you can abandon her. She has to start justifying her moving away from you physically and emotionally on YOU instead of her so that you don't feel compelled to leave her. Then her delusional thinking infects all the other relationships in her life just to camouflage the situation she's in with the replacement.

Does this make any sense?

J

[JMB]

yes it does make sense.  I guess I am just trying rationalize the whole thing... .I and I cant do it because its all irrational...
 But why go back to the Teacher who is 20 years older. He was married as well 30 years... Plus the fact this guy should be locked up for what happened years ago. 

Do you think there relationship years ago has/had something to do with her BPD?

[Jeffree]

Do you think there relationship years ago has/had something to do with her BPD?


I am no expert, and I did NOT sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night, but if I had to guess I would think those seeds had been sown many years before she engaged in that relationship with him.

I wouldn't be surprised if the impetus for their relationship the first time around was the same is it was the next time... .fear of abandonment. I bet she was with someone, then cheated on him that first time with the teacher.

I know all about that switch going from on to off. It really is unbelievable to be there across from that person you gave you heart and soul to and at one point had received so much love from to find them turn cold and indifferent toward you.

For me that was the worst. Through the divorce proceedings the first time, and now the occasional run in with my STBx, I barely receive any indication from them that they even know me and what my significance in their lives were.

I don't know how they do it.

J