Concerns from in-laws about grandchildren visiting BPD grandpa (my dad)

[NotreDame]

Hi there,

My father was recently diagnosed with BPD after many years of illness. I have acknowledged his illness and the possible damage it may have caused to myself and am seeking treatment for such. My problem is my husband’s fear and anxiety for our children. He is upset when my daughter wants to spend the night at her grandpas

My children adore their grandpa, he is very appropriate with the children (he is an educator). He has a mild form of BPD and educated himself on the illness and works on himself regularly... .meditation, exercise, self improvement books, socializing, therapy, stopped drinking alcohol knowing where his mood leads to if he does.

He never drinks around the kids and in fact spending time with the kids reminds him of my childhood which were some of the happier times in his life ( he was adopted, abused every way and finally had a wife and kids of his own love him). He definitely fears losing his family and has attachment issues but is very receptive to boundaries when I set them.

I’m looking for help to explain to my husband that my father is not a danger to our kids (we have 2) and that by limiting the amount of time they can spend with their grandpa and focusing on the illness when there’s no actual problem, the kids are losing out. My father loves and spoils themjust like a regular grandpa and knows that when his mood shifts, he contacts me or stays away until he feels better. Any advice would be appreciated. I feel like I’m constantly defending my dad when he has done nothing except having an illness he manages quite well.

[Mutt]

Hi NotreDame,

he is very appropriate with the children (he is an educator). He has a mild form of BPD and educated himself on the illness and works on himself regularly... .meditation, exercise, self improvement books, socializing, therapy, stopped drinking alcohol knowing where his mood leads to if he does.

Id like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry that your dad and kids are going through this. If you check th discussions around the board your dad is doing work on himself the disorder does not define him as a person, i look at it the same way as coparenting my kids mom is undiagnosed and certainly not doing the work but the r/s is between them and my ex uBPDw, the same goes for your H is the kids r/s with your dad. Your H has to find a way assuage his anxiety.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi NotreDame, joining Mutt in welcoming you.

First, good for your dad for taking such a proactive approach on his illness.

Has your husband many any effort to better understand BPD? I suggest introducing him to this site since it has tremendous resources in terms of understanding the illness.

All the best,
~ROE