Trying to get over a fling

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone,

This is new to me so I apologize in advance if I come off ignorant. I just need help. Before I begin to ask how I can recover my BPD- fling, let me go ahead and tell you a background story of how we met.

I was 21 at the time and I had just moved from one province to another. I didn't know any body in the city I had moved to. I come from a religious/ very conservative middle eastern family. You can imagine living with my parents at 21 isn't crazy or odd for us. We don't move out unless we are married. Anyway, Derek (Not his name, but I will refer to him as such) message me on Facebook asking if I knew any one in the city that could give him some insight on the Middle East and if it were safe for him to travel to. I, being a Middle Eastern descent myself, thought I could help. Looking back it now, I don't believe he wanted to ask me anything about the M.E. And that it was all a plan to get to know me. We exchanged messages back and forth and before I knew it, he was growing on me. He was after all, my only friend. We bounded well because we both were from the same province. He was & still is in the Military. I asked how old he was and if he had any photos of himself. He was 31. 10 years difference. His Facebook profile had no pictures of him. He said something that I found really odd for a man- for anyone to say and to which he said "I don't have photos of myself. I can take one now for you, but I need to shave and put on my uniform". I'm thinking, huh- what? Why shave? Why the military uniform? There's no need for that. He insisted however, and I left it at that. 2 hours or so later he messaged me and sent a couple of photos. I thought hmmm... .

 We talked for a month before I decided one day to ask him if he wanted to hang out. He said he'd come to town and we could spend the weekend together. We were chatting on Facebook the night before he planned on coming to see me and to my surprise the second alarm went off that I should have paid more attention to at the time. So because I'm bilingual, I tend to use phrases of my mother tongue a lot, especially when I'm happy. I told him he was good looking and that it meant a lot to me for him to drive 3 and a half hours to come see me. I then translated it into English and told him I hadn't hung out with anyone from the opposite sex before and said I was kind of awkward. He saw and read the message but said nothing in return. Weird I thought. He had seen the message, but didn't feel the need to respond. An hour later, I messaged him again asking what time he'd come down. He went off on me and said "I don't like that you're making fun of me in another language. I'm not a fool. You think I'm stupid but I'm not". I thought what the hell? I had translated it for him. He had no reason to be upset or mad. So there I was apologizing to him for something I hadn't even done. He didn't accept it and went to bed, but before that, he told me what time I should expect him.

The day rolls around and he's texting me when I should be out and ready to go out. He had booked a hotel room. I thought I'll pay half, it was the right thing to do. He came to where I was working at the time (he couldn't pick me up at home because of my parents) and was not happy to be waiting. I messaged him jokingly and said "I'm scared, I'm not coming out". He messaged me back instantly and said if "if you don't come out in 10 seconds, I'm leaving". Again, because of my lack of experience with men, dating and going out... I thought maybe I was weird. I said no I'm really scared and begged him to come meet me inside. He agreed. He came in and my life changed forever in that moment. I felt an instant attraction. It was nothing like I had felt before. He was it. I was going to marry him (or so I thought to myselff). It was love at first sight. We hugged and went to his car.

In the car, he was agiating and never seemed to be listening to what I was saying. His body language was off. He'd either not say anything at all, or would say something that had no relevance to what I was talking about. And when he did talk, it was all about him. Me me me me. "I did this and I said this... ." soon after we got to our hotel and my heart was beating out of my chest. I knew he'd want to sleep with me and didn't know if I wanted to sleep with him period, but also thought it was giving out the wrong message that he'd think I'm easy. I knew I wanted to sleep with him eventually, but being with him in the car, feeling the way I did for him was not going to help me save myself.

He got out of the car and walked towards the back door of the hotel. He didn't even turn around to see if I was behind him. Again, really odd. We went inside and there he jumped on the bed. He was mumbling about something and then turned to me and said come on the bed. He wouldn't look me in the eyes. And whenever I looked at him, he look at me with a blank stare. There was no emotions there. He looked dead (the best I can explain it).

We made love that night.

We had to check out at 11 am and it was 8 in the morning. He got up to shower and do his business. I brushed my teeth, got dressed and did my hair. In the car ride home, he was silent again. He wasn't saying all the much even when I would ask him questions. Being a M.E. woman, we are brought up to save ourself for our future spouse. We don't date, drink, party. We can't be seen with men that could by law marry us. It is both a religious and cultural thing. I was explaining all that to him and to him it meant nothing. He got it in and that was it.

We kissed eachother good bye and "promised" to see eachother again. I told him to text me as soon as he got home to let me he was alright and told him to drive safe.

When he got home, he texted me saying he had fun. That was the nicest thing he had ever said to me. I was happy and told him I did too.

Friday rolls around and I'm sitting at home scrolling through Facebook. It was 6 days after our "date" . I hadn't heard from him for 2 days so I decided to message him and see how he was doing. He read my message but took an hour to reply back to me. He did that a lot. He'd read my message but wouldn't respond right away. I know now that it's a control thing. He likes to be in control. He likes to be the one in power. He responded back saying he hates the guys in the military and that the women in that town were all trash. My heart broke to pieces. I thought why is he talking about other women and how they weren't any good to his liking when he was talking to me? Again, consider my background. I thought after we had sex, he'd want to be with me and only me (I know, i know. I was stupid to believe that.) I asked him what he thought of me and if I were someone he'd see himself with in the future. He told me he wasn't going to date and that he wanted to die. When we spent the night together, he told me all about his suicide attempts. I too had tried to end my life a few times, but him showing me where he used to cut himself was a wake up call to me. I begged him not to hurt himself and that he should call someone for help. He got annoyed with me and told me not to tell him what to do. I thought what the heck? I'm scared for him. I am hurt and worried for him and he's telling me not to tell him what to do. The fight got worse and he decided to block me. He told me I was a brat and that no one was going to love me or want to be with me. My heart sunk so low that I thought I was going to pass out. He was telling me how I was an awful person and that he never wanted to see me again even after I told him sleeping with him meant I went against everything I believed in and thought he was above all. He threatened to call the police on me because apparently I was "stalking him". I was crying and begging him at the point. He told me I was manipulating him because I was crying and that he wouldn't fall for it.

9 months went by without hearing from him. I got on Facebook one day and saw that he messaged me in January t'll April. By then, I was in a relationship. I had met my now husband. I texted him and told him how I was moving to another country. He was shocked to hear that I was getting married. I reminded him of my culture  and went on to ask how he was doing. He told me had been diagnosed with BPD and that he needed to apologise to me for closure so he could move on. I thought It was nice and offered my support should he ever needed help. He told me he loved me (something I dreamed of him saying). He told me he wanted to be with me and that he knew now what he had lost out on and that he would treat me right. I still loved him... .I was in love with him still. This is the part that a lot of you may hate me for. We planned to meet again. This time to talk. He had booked a hotel room again. He picked me up. Again, he was complaining and nagging and talking about himself. He hadn't changed one bit. It was all too familiar at this point. He was talking about going to the Middle East to fight ISIS. On the way to the hotel, I told him I didn't want him to die and that I wasn't going to let him go. He got angry and told me I had no right to tell him what to do (remember the first fight... .yeah it was happening again, except this time it was happening in person). He went from awkwardly laughing to getting pissed. He turned around with out my knowledge and parked in a parking lot close to where I lived and said get out. I giggled and asked why he turned around and that if anyone saw me in the car with him, I'd get in a lot of trouble. He started shouting and telling me to get out of his car. I asked why, he wouldn't tell me just that I was being a brat again. I begged him not to start because that was the only time I could see him. I should mention something though. I know for a fact now that he had no intention to meet me to "talk". He was having a surgery the next day in the city and I was just an easy prey to use and abuse again. He shouted and grabbed my arms with one hand and opened the passenger door with another. He threw my purse out and told me to get out or that he would the cops on me. I was crying by then and told him he was only doing that because I loved him.

I came to my now adopted country to live with my husband. I feel like I have gained some BPD- like symptoms. I'm always questioning everything and everyone. I get upset really fast and push my husband away when all I want from him is to reassure me that everything is going to be alright. I have gotten a lot better if I say so myself as time really does help. But some things just stay. He contacted me again and said he missed me. And this is where I want to seek advice from you guys. It is been 3 years since my first interaction with him. At first, I wanted nothing more than to be with him. I would have given him a limb and my eyesight for him to love me. I now want nothing to do with him. I don't want to cause my husband any more pain. (My husband knows about him. He knows I've got feelings for him still. Sigh

[The broken ship]

Hello everyone,

This is new to me so I apologize in advance if I come off ignorant. I just need help. Before I begin to ask how I can recover my BPD- fling, let me go ahead and tell you a background story of how we met.

I was 21 at the time and I had just moved from one province to another. I didn't know any body in the city I had moved to. I come from a religious/ very conservative middle eastern family. You can imagine living with my parents at 21 isn't crazy or odd for us. We don't move out unless we are married. Anyway, Derek (Not his name, but I will refer to him as such) message me on Facebook asking if I knew any one in the city that could give him some insight on the Middle East and if it were safe for him to travel to. I, being a Middle Eastern descent myself, thought I could help. Looking back it now, I don't believe he wanted to ask me anything about the M.E. And that it was all a plan to get to know me. We exchanged messages back and forth and before I knew it, he was growing on me. He was after all, my only friend. We bounded well because we both were from the same province. He was & still is in the Military. I asked how old he was and if he had any photos of himself. He was 31. 10 years difference. His Facebook profile had no pictures of him. He said something that I found really odd for a man- for anyone to say and to which he said "I don't have photos of myself. I can take one now for you, but I need to shave and put on my uniform". I'm thinking, huh- what? Why shave? Why the military uniform? There's no need for that. He insisted however, and I left it at that. 2 hours or so later he messaged me and sent a couple of photos. I thought hmmm... .

 We talked for a month before I decided one day to ask him if he wanted to hang out. He said he'd come to town and we could spend the weekend together. We were chatting on Facebook the night before he planned on coming to see me and to my surprise the second alarm went off that I should have paid more attention to at the time. So because I'm bilingual, I tend to use phrases of my mother tongue a lot, especially when I'm happy. I told him he was good looking and that it meant a lot to me for him to drive 3 and a half hours to come see me. I then translated it into English and told him I hadn't hung out with anyone from the opposite sex before and said I was kind of awkward. He saw and read the message but said nothing in return. Weird I thought. He had seen the message, but didn't feel the need to respond. An hour later, I messaged him again asking what time he'd come down. He went off on me and said "I don't like that you're making fun of me in another language. I'm not a fool. You think I'm stupid but I'm not". I thought what the hell? I had translated it for him. He had no reason to be upset or mad. So there I was apologizing to him for something I hadn't even done. He didn't accept it and went to bed, but before that, he told me what time I should expect him.

The day rolls around and he's texting me when I should be out and ready to go out. He had booked a hotel room. I thought I'll pay half, it was the right thing to do. He came to where I was working at the time (he couldn't pick me up at home because of my parents) and was not happy to be waiting. I messaged him jokingly and said "I'm scared, I'm not coming out". He messaged me back instantly and said if "if you don't come out in 10 seconds, I'm leaving". Again, because of my lack of experience with men, dating and going out... I thought maybe I was weird. I said no I'm really scared and begged him to come meet me inside. He agreed. He came in and my life changed forever in that moment. I felt an instant attraction. It was nothing like I had felt before. He was it. I was going to marry him (or so I thought to myselff). It was love at first sight. We hugged and went to his car.

In the car, he was agiating and never seemed to be listening to what I was saying. His body language was off. He'd either not say anything at all, or would say something that had no relevance to what I was talking about. And when he did talk, it was all about him. Me me me me. "I did this and I said this... ." soon after we got to our hotel and my heart was beating out of my chest. I knew he'd want to sleep with me and didn't know if I wanted to sleep with him period, but also thought it was giving out the wrong message that he'd think I'm easy. I knew I wanted to sleep with him eventually, but being with him in the car, feeling the way I did for him was not going to help me save myself.

He got out of the car and walked towards the back door of the hotel. He didn't even turn around to see if I was behind him. Again, really odd. We went inside and there he jumped on the bed. He was mumbling about something and then turned to me and said come on the bed. He wouldn't look me in the eyes. And whenever I looked at him, he look at me with a blank stare. There was no emotions there. He looked dead (the best I can explain it).

We made love that night.

We had to check out at 11 am and it was 8 in the morning. He got up to shower and do his business. I brushed my teeth, got dressed and did my hair. In the car ride home, he was silent again. He wasn't saying all the much even when I would ask him questions. Being a M.E. woman, we are brought up to save ourself for our future spouse. We don't date, drink, party. We can't be seen with men that could by law marry us. It is both a religious and cultural thing. I was explaining all that to him and to him it meant nothing. He got it in and that was it.

We kissed eachother good bye and "promised" to see eachother again. I told him to text me as soon as he got home to let me he was alright and told him to drive safe.

When he got home, he texted me saying he had fun. That was the nicest thing he had ever said to me. I was happy and told him I did too.

Friday rolls around and I'm sitting at home scrolling through Facebook. It was 6 days after our "date" . I hadn't heard from him for 2 days so I decided to message him and see how he was doing. He read my message but took an hour to reply back to me. He did that a lot. He'd read my message but wouldn't respond right away. I know now that it's a control thing. He likes to be in control. He likes to be the one in power. He responded back saying he hates the guys in the military and that the women in that town were all trash. My heart broke to pieces. I thought why is he talking about other women and how they weren't any good to his liking when he was talking to me? Again, consider my background. I thought after we had sex, he'd want to be with me and only me (I know, i know. I was stupid to believe that.) I asked him what he thought of me and if I were someone he'd see himself with in the future. He told me he wasn't going to date and that he wanted to die. When we spent the night together, he told me all about his suicide attempts. I too had tried to end my life a few times, but him showing me where he used to cut himself was a wake up call to me. I begged him not to hurt himself and that he should call someone for help. He got annoyed with me and told me not to tell him what to do. I thought what the heck? I'm scared for him. I am hurt and worried for him and he's telling me not to tell him what to do. The fight got worse and he decided to block me. He told me I was a brat and that no one was going to love me or want to be with me. My heart sunk so low that I thought I was going to pass out. He was telling me how I was an awful person and that he never wanted to see me again even after I told him sleeping with him meant I went against everything I believed in and thought he was above all. He threatened to call the police on me because apparently I was "stalking him". I was crying and begging him at the point. He told me I was manipulating him because I was crying and that he wouldn't fall for it.

9 months went by without hearing from him. I got on Facebook one day and saw that he messaged me in January t'll April. By then, I was in a relationship. I had met my now husband. I texted him and told him how I was moving to another country. He was shocked to hear that I was getting married. I reminded him of my culture  and went on to ask how he was doing. He told me had been diagnosed with BPD and that he needed to apologise to me for closure so he could move on. I thought It was nice and offered my support should he ever needed help. He told me he loved me (something I dreamed of him saying). He told me he wanted to be with me and that he knew now what he had lost out on and that he would treat me right. I still loved him... .I was in love with him still. This is the part that a lot of you may hate me for. We planned to meet again. This time to talk. He had booked a hotel room again. He picked me up. Again, he was complaining and nagging and talking about himself. He hadn't changed one bit. It was all too familiar at this point. He was talking about going to the Middle East to fight ISIS. On the way to the hotel, I told him I didn't want him to die and that I wasn't going to let him go. He got angry and told me I had no right to tell him what to do (remember the first fight... .yeah it was happening again, except this time it was happening in person). He went from awkwardly laughing to getting pissed. He turned around with out my knowledge and parked in a parking lot close to where I lived and said get out. I giggled and asked why he turned around and that if anyone saw me in the car with him, I'd get in a lot of trouble. He started shouting and telling me to get out of his car. I asked why, he wouldn't tell me just that I was being a brat again. I begged him not to start because that was the only time I could see him. I should mention something though. I know for a fact now that he had no intention to meet me to "talk". He was having a surgery the next day in the city and I was just an easy prey to use and abuse again. He shouted and grabbed my arms with one hand and opened the passenger door with another. He threw my purse out and told me to get out or that he would the cops on me. I was crying by then and told him he was only doing that because I loved him.

I came to my now adopted country to live with my husband. I feel like I have gained some BPD- like symptoms. I'm always questioning everything and everyone. I get upset really fast and push my husband away when all I want from him is to reassure me that everything is going to be alright. I have gotten a lot better if I say so myself as time really does help. But some things just stay. He contacted me again and said he missed me. And this is where I want to seek advice from you guys. It is been 3 years since my first interaction with him. At first, I wanted nothing more than to be with him. I would have given him a limb and my eyesight for him to love me. I now want nothing to do with him. I don't want to cause my husband any more pain. (My husband knows about him. He knows I've got feelings for him still. Sigh

[Mutt]

Hi the broken ship,



I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m glad that you have found us it helps to talk to others like you that have been in a r/s with a pwBPD.

This is a safe place where you can share your feelings and thoughts without being invalidated or judged.

I can understand the feeling of self doubt and thinking that I have BPD traits too. I think that we have to be careful with diagnosing ourselves only a professional can give a diagnosis but we can look at traits.

Maybe the contact t with your exuBPDbf brought some unresolved feelings to the surface? Maybe there are resentments that have slowly built up in your marriage?  What other traits do you see in yourself?