I am confused and bewildered and in need of advice...

[Lady_belladonna]

I am here with the hope of getting some advice as I am really confused, upset and feeling worn out in my relationship with a friend (possibly
More).  Thank you in advance for reading this, I feel I need to get it all out.

I met a man, on a dating website 11 months ago, he was one year out of a relationship with a partner who had left him because of his illness.  We got on well, spoke lots and eventually met up and dated for a few weeks.  A few weeks into knowing him he told me that he had multiple sclerosis (MS) and that he had a lot of pain and fatigue and had moved to the city where I lived for an experimental treatment to help his MS.  His plan was to move back to his home city and renovate his flat to sell when the clinical trial ended.   He also said he had anxiety and depression.  This didn’t phase me and I liked him a lot so was prepared to see where things went.

After a few weeks he sent me a message stating he was low, had no kind of life with his disability and illness and was not ready to date.

We had no contact for a month but one day I sent a text telling him I was thinking of him and hoping he was well.  This kicked off contact again, and two days later he called me mid-panic attack and asked me to be a friend I end and support him.  This led to 2 months of us doing having a platonic friends relationship and me supporting him when he had anxiety attacks, felt low or started to feel stressed over family legal issues and issues to do with his rental of his flat in his home city.  He also disclosed during this time that he had had a gambling problem historically but was in recovery.  This is also when his psychologist first suggested he may have BPD, he was referred to a ‘Understanding BPD group’ but then discharged from community mental health services.

After about 2 months he went away for a few days, came back and we slept together spending the weekend together.  He then basically dropped off the face of the earth for about 2 weeks and I went on holiday during this time.  He didn’t really respond to any messages and I felt I didn’t have the right to call him.  I assumed he still wanted to be friends.  On the day I got back from holiday he called me during the middle of the night saying he was in a casino, had relapsed and needed my help. For the next few weeks I checked in with him everyday and supported him where I could.  He has not relapsed since.  I spent a couple of nights a week at his flat platonically and we did not sleep together again.

Just before Halloween I was at work one day and he sent me a text message, it was a busy day and I didn’t respond.  By the time I got back at night time I had a long message accusing me of lying to him about something which was a misunderstanding.  He brought up the fact that I once told him a stupid white lie and stated that if I could lie once I could lie again.  He accused me of lying about being with another man (I had not and hadn’t lied to him about where I had been on that night)  stated that he wasn’t bothered by the fact that I was ‘with another man’ as we weren’t in a relationship but that he couldn’t trust me as I’d lied about it.  The message was extremely hurtful and horrible.  We managed to talk about this and resolve it, he stated he felt like I was pushing for a relationship (I told him I wanted one) but that he wanted to be friends and couldn’t see us together and that’s why there had been no more sex.  I said maybe we have to work through it.

Over the next couple of weeks I was quite ill and he was really sweet and looked after me.  Since Halloween time onwards we have spent more and more time together, initially with me spending about 5 nights a week at his flat (sleeping platonically in his bed every night but cuddling).  He gave me a key to his flat and I kept stuff in his bathroom.  And for about the 6 weeks before New Year I had spent every night in his flat, in his bed.  Just before Christmas we started sleeping together again and this has happened a few times (although he does have some functional problems with this due to his illness and medication).  I spent Christmas with my Mum, but he fell ill with an infection and I came back to look after him.  He said he missed me when I wasn’t there, that I was his rock and that he was happy whenever I was around.  Over the course of a few weeks he started taking about going on holiday together, he spent new year with my family, I met his Mother and he even told her we were planning to go on holiday.  He was supposed to move back to his own flat in his home town just after New Year this year.  He told  me he didn’t know how he’d manage without me.  I helped him to move back (over 200 miles away from where I live) and he gave me a key to this new flat and said I was welcome whenever and on more than one occasion suggested we spend every other weekend together.  Even suggested that we buy a house together as an investment where I could live mon-fri near to where I work (to reduce my commute) and spend alternative weekends with my Mum and him at his new flat in his home city.  This all sounded positive.

His physical health has caused him ongoing problems with fatigue, pain and discomfort, some days he can barely move.  His mental health continues to give him periods of highs and lows, he can easily get stressed by small things and will call me crying.  Other days he says he feels suicidal.  Previously, he has said having me around is a positive in his life and it motivates him to do things.  On bad days he will burn through every helpline number, health professional and support contact he has saying they are all useless and can’t help him.  Often he then calls me, which can be exhausting.  I work with children with mental health difficulties so often move from work to home dealing with some of the same emotional issues.

I’ve travelled to see him for the last 2 weekends and things have felt normal but in between he has had less contact with me and when I do try to contact him there are times when I am left feeling unwelcome and feel like I am using up what little energy he has. I know he struggles with his physical illness and experiences lots of fatigue and pain, he has also thrown himself into renovating his flat and this seems all he can talk about.  Initially when he moved he told me he missed me but this seems to have disappeared.  It seems like he doesn’t miss me at all.   After the last weekend, I asked when he wanted me to come and visit again but he said ‘we’ll make plans’ and hasn’t mentioned anything since.  He does text and call everyday but mainly wants to discuss his renovation.  Preparing for the move was stressful for us both, he constantly criticised me and stated that I lacked ‘common sense’, for the most part I ignore this and it doesn’t bother me but sometimes I feel like an idiot.

While we never redefined the friendship to a relationship, for several months before Christmas it certainly felt like I was in one and that we had been making future plans.  We would have candlelit baths and he did something amazingly sweet to mark the anniversary of my fathers death, he can told my mother he was practicing DIY for when we build a house together in the future.  And while he is in daily contact now, it’s primarily to discuss his renovation and house and we have no further plans to see each other in the near future.  I feel bereft, like I’ve lost something and I don’t know what to do.  I love him.  And still I don’t feel like I can have an honest and frank discussion with him because we never defined what we had as a relationship, and also I feel like at the present time I can’t say anything right to him.  I really don’t know what to make of his behaviours and even if we were just friends I am upset by his sudden withdrawal.  It’s left me feeling exhausted.  He’s very good at reading my emotions and I refuse to believe he doesn’t know how I feel.  My friends all tell me to cut him off as all he wanted was a free carer and that he has used me, but I don’t want to do that and I don’t feel that way.  I would like to define what we had/have as a relationship but I don’t think he would (if feels a lot like a relationship to me). He calls me loving and caring and kind and the other day told me I was a rare kind of person because of I am such a ‘good’ person.

I just don’t know if I can be friends and offer this level of input to him, without me emotionally feeling like it’s more.  But to him, anything less means I don’t care and he is not above cutting people off with no further contact (he has done this with some of his family).  He doesn’t have many good close friends as often friends have commented that he ‘uses’ them only when he needs them and if he argues with them he cuts them out.  He’s been quite physically ill and in pain and fatigue and it’s killing me that he’s in a different city, unwell and I can’t be there.  It upsets me so much.  

Any advice is much appreciated, and thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Insom]

 

Hi, Lady_belladonna!  Welcome.

Have you had a chance to check out the resources listed on the right side of this page?  There is some terrific information there about BPD that I found helpful when I first posted here that you may also find helpful. 

It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed and confused.  Would it be fair to say that you're unsure about the status of this relationship and what you would like it to be?

[Lady_belladonna]

Hi, Lady_belladonna!  Welcome.

Have you had a chance to check out the resources listed on the right side of this page?  There is some terrific information there about BPD that I found helpful when I first posted here that you may also find helpful. 

It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed and confused.  Would it be fair to say that you're unsure about the status of this relationship and what you would like it to be?

Hi Insom,

Thank you for your response.  I am overwhelmed and confused.  I am unsure about the status of the relationship as he refers to us as friends but equally, it feels very much like a relationship to me (I’ve had long term relationships in the past and it’s exactly the same).  It feels like we both spend a lot of time inputting into this, but now he is over 200 miles away it is harder for me to give the support I’d given previously.  He told me this weekend that he would want me to be with him every weekend if it was up to him (he knows my work keeps me locally to where I live), although these feel very much like Just words.  Just to clarify, I feel strongly about him and would like to be able to call this a relationship.

Just this morning while I was at work, I received a call asking me to help him with some paperwork and forms that he needed to submit today (in relation to his property).  When I couldnt respond in time, I had several angry text messages telling me that I was too slow, useless and not to bother helping him.  He said he has to do things 100% on his own as usual (not the first time he’s said this).  I responded by advising him that I was at work and busy and that I am helping when and where a I can...   He has since sent an apology stating that he is stressed and feels like crying which I knew.  It feels like he wants me to invest in helping him like a partner would  (like picking tiles for his property together), but doesn’t want me as a partner.  And I am running out of steam for this.  It’s making me tired and also feel very much like I am not getting acknowledgement for the commitment I am putting in, not even my best friend gets the amount of time and input that I give to this man and I’ve known my bestie most of my life!

Thanks you.

[Insom]

It feels like he wants me to invest in helping him like a partner would  (like picking tiles for his property together), but doesn’t want me as a partner.

Oh, Lady_belladonna,  I am hearing loud and clear how confusing this relationship must feel to you.  I know what it is like to feel wanted and not at the same time.  Or to feel needed but not respected.  So confusing.  Do you know what splitting is?  It is a hallmark behavior of BPD. 

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