My first post - sad and confused

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi,

I am a mother of a 20 year old daughter with undiagnosed BPD- but given course taken and research, and her behaviour, I am pretty sure she has the symptoms/behaviours. I recently told her not to return home, as she has been disrespectful ( verbally abusive- calling me names, putting me down) and refusing to clean up any of her mess- meaning a bedroom with wall to wall smelly clothes, dishes, garbage etc. and this is nothing ont he mess and damage she has done to the kitchen. I was just fed up with it all, and, having already attempted to get her in therapy, back on medication ( for the severe anxiety) and respecting her family, I just lost it and said that was it.

She went to live with her boyfriend- as she refuses to live with her father, who has BPD symptoms himself.  She went to France with him for three weeks, and is now staying in his apartment- freaking out about being alone, or she sleeps on a friends couch. She attends college and works, but is severly stressed and begging to come home.

The difficulty is that she messages me constantly regarding her distress- and has convinced her father, and sister that I am to blame. SHe threatens suicide regularly, and will tell me many 'stories' of her suffering. WHat do I feel? FEAR OBLIGATION AND GUILT... .yet living with her was a living hell. SHe constantly tells me she is lonely and I feel for her, but I know if I bring her back that she will go back to the same behaviours, and potentially gang up on me with her sister.

I work full time, and have fibromyalgia, which she, of course, does not respect at all. SHe is demaning that I buy her a MAC computer, she wants nothing to do with  ME arranging to get her a small appartment close to her school, and she basically is completely shocked that I do not want her home. How do you live as a mother, knowing your child is ill, but is no longer a child, and should be more responsible. She impulsively spends her money, then expects others to pay for her 'needs' . I pay for her school, her transport, her food, and a cell phone charge per month. I am very weary.

I also feel very abused. It has been 20 years of either her Dad or her on my case about my lack of capacity to be a good mom, yet, I have supported her on my own for the majority of her life, paid for all the vaccines, the glasses, the school books, activities, and luxuries she has been blessed with.

Please ... .some support ... .

Feel so sad, and lonely, and confused. I lack confidence now.

Struggling2letgo.

[struggling2letgo]

Hi,

I am a mother of a 20 year old daughter with undiagnosed BPD- but given course taken and research, and her behaviour, I am pretty sure she has the symptoms/behaviours. I recently told her not to return home, as she has been disrespectful ( verbally abusive- calling me names, putting me down) and refusing to clean up any of her mess- meaning a bedroom with wall to wall smelly clothes, dishes, garbage etc. and this is nothing ont he mess and damage she has done to the kitchen. I was just fed up with it all, and, having already attempted to get her in therapy, back on medication ( for the severe anxiety) and respecting her family, I just lost it and said that was it.

She went to live with her boyfriend- as she refuses to live with her father, who has BPD symptoms himself.  She went to France with him for three weeks, and is now staying in his apartment- freaking out about being alone, or she sleeps on a friends couch. She attends college and works, but is severly stressed and begging to come home.

The difficulty is that she messages me constantly regarding her distress- and has convinced her father, and sister that I am to blame. SHe threatens suicide regularly, and will tell me many 'stories' of her suffering. WHat do I feel? FEAR OBLIGATION AND GUILT... .yet living with her was a living hell. SHe constantly tells me she is lonely and I feel for her, but I know if I bring her back that she will go back to the same behaviours, and potentially gang up on me with her sister.

I work full time, and have fibromyalgia, which she, of course, does not respect at all. SHe is demaning that I buy her a MAC computer, she wants nothing to do with  ME arranging to get her a small appartment close to her school, and she basically is completely shocked that I do not want her home. How do you live as a mother, knowing your child is ill, but is no longer a child, and should be more responsible. She impulsively spends her money, then expects others to pay for her 'needs' . I pay for her school, her transport, her food, and a cell phone charge per month. I am very weary.

I also feel very abused. It has been 20 years of either her Dad or her on my case about my lack of capacity to be a good mom, yet, I have supported her on my own for the majority of her life, paid for all the vaccines, the glasses, the school books, activities, and luxuries she has been blessed with.

Please ... .some support ... .

Feel so sad, and lonely, and confused. I lack confidence now.

Struggling2letgo.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello struggling2letgo

 

Welcome to the community, I'm so pleased you reached out to join us here for support, parents understand what you are going through, it's so confusing as you say, you are not alone   Here together we work through making sense of our unique situation and how we can personally make positive changes that help build our confidence in the decisions we make that support our children. You clearly love your daughter as us parents here do, it's so very painful to see their suffering.

You set your boundary of your DD not returning home, no one deserves their home to be a living hell or be abused and I'm sorry you are, yes they need support in learning how to solve their problems and understand their responsibilities and this takes time for some through the consequences of their choices. As you'll read and often see here on the board we have to put our oxygen masks on first to save ourselves first and you are taking steps doing just that.  

It's truly exhausting dealing with a person with BPD as you well know and coping with fibromyalgia it's no wonder you feel weary and beaten down. Do you get time to self are - do something just for you?

Your DD was on medication, you tried to get her into therapy, what's the history, what's her current diagnosis, when did she stop and what reason did she give?

In your research, course taken - have you come across the tools and lessons to your right  

You're a good mom! dealing with a very difficult situation, doing your best   

And we are here to walk with you, and give you a big warm hug when you need it most, like right now.      

WDx

[Scout206]

Dear Sad and Confused
A quote from you reads:

"I also feel very abused. It has been 20 years of either her Dad or her on my case about my lack of capacity to be a good mom, yet, I have supported her on my own for the majority of her life, paid for all the vaccines, the glasses, the school books, activities, and luxuries she has been blessed with."

I have been in the same situation for 20 years and just discovered one month ago that my daughter (30) likely has BPD.  I could have written these words.  Even though knowing that she has this problem helps me make a bit more sense of the chaos, it will take me a very long time to understand why she seems to have no gratitude for or memory of all that I have done for her and what we have shared.  I have been undermined by her father as long as I can remember so I don't even put that in my equation anymore.  She tells me that I am the source of all of her depression and anxiety.  She is receiving DBT and I am starting counseling next week.  She tells me that I 'invalidate' her feelings but doesn't see that she frequently does that to me.  She is very good at psychological projection and I am usually the target.  I am working on communication skills that include validation for her.  I hope that somewhere along the line I will also find validation but I will probably need to find it within myself.  So yes, there are many of us who can relate to what you are experiencing.  I am so sorry for the emotional damage that you both are experiencing.  Stay in touch and take care.     Scout

[Scout206]

PS  Dear "Struggling2letgo"
Sorry I called you by the wrong name.  I'm new at this too. 
Scout206
 

[bluek9]

Hi Stuggling2letgo, I hear you! I'm new here too. One of the most stricking things about this board is the support. I come here every day, to keep up on replies and post my feelings. Let me encourage you to do the same thing. My BPD D is 35 and I have been single parent for always. She has only lived away from me for 1 1/2 of all her life, that time was not good or healthy for her. As parents it's not like we can say we don't have any issues of our own, your fibro is serious and requires self care. For me it's my own PTSD and abuse issues. My D has has seriuos issues all her life on the autism spectrum, ADD, I didn't read the word boarderline until 4 years ago. I know everyone says don't put lables on your kids but, just knowing that word made some many things fall into place. I finally had a name for her behavior and actions. I'm so sorry to hear that you are being treated unkindly and feel abused your daughter. This behavior from a child is so deeply hurtfull and be so crule. My daughter too is hatefull, unkind, demanding and crule enough to make to cry. Mom's have such a tender unconditional love for thei kids, when that is not received or felt by the child or returned in any way it can be terribly confusing to us mom's. It hurts the heart and I often find myself wondering why love is not enough.
     Please don't loose heart, take comfort from the support here and learn, learn, learn. Right now I'm putting into practice the SET tool, to interact with my D. That means respond with S: support, E: empathy and T: truth. Oh my goodness does it take effort. The result for me was startling my D had no reason to melt down over my response to her. I know this may sound trite but self care is everything. When you feel so down and abused and alone sometimes you need to nurture yourself. A few of the things I do for myself are getting a hair cut on a set schedule, taking a shower without being interupted for any reason, reading, going for a walk alone or with my grandson. Those may sound silly or like no big deal but, in my world they keep me grounded in myself. Keep coming back it truely helps Bluek9