Mind control

[I Am Redeemed]

So, for those who may not know, I am still new here. I left my uBPDh two months ago because the physical, verbal and emotional abuse paired with his drug use just became intolerable. I started to wonder if I was crazy for not leaving sooner. Anyway, he is incarcerated and possibly facing prison time. He tries to call me repeatedly and I have not spoken to him at all. The thing is, I keep having imaginary conversations with him in my mind where I project about everything he would probably say if I were to talk to him. I can pretty much guess how he is feeling. I know he is angry because I have not received his phone calls. I know he blames me for calling the police on him. Mainly I have chosen to not speak to him because I am not emotionally stable enough to handle the stress of a conversation with him. But I have allowed his verbal abuse of me to go on for so many years (nearly seven) that I can hear him blaming, accusing, raging and guilt tripping me in my imagination. Is this a result of trauma? I know I need to talk to a counselor, I just need to get child care set up so I can make an appointment. It's been hard enough to find child care for work, much less anything else.
It bothers me that I can not even talk to him and still let him get to me. For some reason I feel like I have to explain or justify why I left and why I called the police (he was driving recklessly with my son in the car while he raged at me.) See, I even feel like I have to explain to you guys.
Is this the FOG stuff some of you have mentioned? Is this a normal response for someone who has experienced the abuse of a pwBPD (and a substance abuse disorder, and possibly paranoid personality disorder)? How do I deal with this?
Suggestions and feedback welcome.
Thanks,
I Am Redeemed

[SlyQQ]

There are a number of mind control mechanisms ( often unconcious, but sometimes nastily conscious )
people with BPD use, the most common are sleep deprivation and isolation, mixed signals are way up there as well-

look up brainwashing and tick of the techniques used on you it may help you adress them , good luck

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Reece, No, you don't need to explain or justify your actions, which sound like a healthy response to an incredibly stressful situation.  Don't beat yourself up; instead, suggest you treat yourself with kindness and compassion.  It's normal to have imaginary conversations in the aftermath of a b/u, so don't worry about it!  Suggest you pay attention to, and acknowledge, your feelings as they come up.  It seems like you have experienced trauma/abuse.  Have you?  You are taking a step towards recovery by posting her.

LuckyJim

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Jim,
Yes I have experienced a lot of trauma and abuse. I could not tell you how many times I was physically attacked by my uBPDh. That is not counting the verbal and emotional abuse. I am still in shock a little, I think

[Turkish]

I had a lot of imaginary conversations in my mind with my ex.  I don't view this as unhealthy, but rather working things out with yourself. Yes,  a lot of it was venting things I couldn't or wouldn't say in person.