Trying to make things work with a romantic partner with BPD

[catinthehat]

My SO and I are currently living in two separate houses. We broke up because he said he felt defeated and abandoned.

I have never abandoned him and have always supported him in his endeavors.

In what of the conversations we had while finalizing items in our apartment, I told him the break up was not a mutual decision as he keeps on saying I wanted it in the first place. And emphasized that all his statements were false with regards to abandonment as there is no evidence that I have done any of it; it were merely perceptions. Surprisingly, he agreed.

And now we are back together trying to heal and figure out to resolve our issues;  He does not know that our former couple's therapist told me that he has possibly BPD (she told me after only having one session).

I am here because I feel that if I continue this journey with him, I need all the support I need.  The stigma is harsh and finding people that would understand why you are still with a person with such personality is hard to find... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi catinthehat,

I hear that! In order to talk to people away from this I feel like I almost have to teach them how to not tell me to stay or leave. It's hard!

It is interesting... .when I've tried to talk to my "h" directly about abandonment issues we can't pinpoint them so well to something in his past... .but... .there they are! He seems to block out and forget a lot of his life, or paint over, or not talk about things.

So, what would you say the issues are? Do you like to write out lists or describe them? It helps us all when we talk it over - gives us all a chance to learn.

take care, pearl.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome catinthehat (cute name)



I'm sorry you've had so many difficulties with your partner but you've found a great place for hope and healing. What would you say is the one thing that you either struggle with most as a couple or that you struggle with in regards to BPD?

[catinthehat]

Just seeing the first replies made me feel there are people out there that understands what I'm going through! :-)

@Pearl
Ohhh... the list is long and complicated. He has has alot of baggage from his life with his ex-wife (they have been divorced for 5+ years but is still going back and forth in court for child custody). It can be as complicated as he feels I will never testify for him in court to fight for his kids to small things like why I can't help him with something he is working on (when I'm currently doing something for work that I can't just drop).

I tried to list it down with the hope that we can discuss it when things are calm.  However, before learning he possibly could have BPD, I would communicate in a way that is not best. I would literally say "are you projecting right now?" which I think is the worst thing you can say to a BPD.

I started reading books during the time that we were apart (a week and a half) and learned that I may be triggering it. And when we met again, I tried to use the techniques of making sure I let him know that he is heard. It seemed to work because now he tells me what he is currently feeling.

He told me last night he needed some space because he is still dealing with the shock of the break up (even if we decided to get back together).  I told him I understood and said I believe every person recovers and deals with things on their own way.  And that my only hope is the experiences we have dealt with will help in making the relationship stronger.

I'm crossing my fingers he is ok.  

[Tattered Heart]

I tried to list it down with the hope that we can discuss it when things are calm.  However, before learning he possibly could have BPD, I would communicate in a way that is not best. I would literally say "are you projecting right now?" which I think is the worst thing you can say to a BPD.

I think many of us have done the same. I can see how asking if he was projecting could cause him to feel invalidated. Don't beat yourself up though. YOu were only responding the best way you knew how with the information you had. Now that you know, you can start new patterns.

It's amazing how far a little validation for our pwBPD can go.

I think it's great that he is sharing with you what he is feeling instead of yelling it at you. Sometimes when I can tell my H is sharing but it's hard for him, I'll just say "Thank you for sharing that with me. It means a lot to me that we could talk about it together." He loves it and can see that I really do care.

[catinthehat]

Yes! I told him I appreciated him telling me his current state and then he proceeded in telling me more details of his current state and that it will take him time to stabilize.

I recognized that as a mini achievement in our relationship since he used to just ignore me or tell me he doesn't even want to explain because I won't understand (which makes me frustrated more).

My last message to him was that it is fine for him to take the time that he is asking for and that I understand.

It's been almost 24 hours since we last conversed. I have not tried to communicate or text him since he asked for space and I wanted to respect that.  But at the same time, I don't want him to feel like I abandoned him.

So I'm quite on a limbo of what should I do... .