Tickets are already paid for but she reminds S and I we are not welcome on trip

[FrustratedSpouse]

So the latest and greatest (as in biggest) meltdown by my uBPDw happened a couple weeks ago when she got a letter from the local equivalent of family services warning her that her rages could be considered a form of domestic violence and abuse and if she gets reported again they will remove her from the home.

During her days-long rage over that, she was telling her mother, brother, and probably other relatives and friends all sorts of lies. Accusing me of reporting her (I didn't, I don't know who did, but it was likely a school counselor for one of our teens), telling them how abusive *I* am, telling them that I am always yelling at her, swearing at her, threatening divorce, etc.  In other words, all the things that *she* actually does and I don't do.

Anyway, before this we had a family vacation planned over spring break in March where we were all (her and I and four kids) going to fly down to Colombia, which is where she is from and all her family still is.  Tickets are already paid for.

Of course now her family hates my guts (I would too if I believed all the crap she told them) and neither she nor her family want me or my 15 year old son to come (two teens are hers from a previous marriage, one is mine, and together we have a 7 year old).

Well, over the last week she's been cooling off and is *almost* back to her normal (?) lovable self, but she continues to remind me that my son and I are not welcome on the trip.  I think she'd reconsider, but she can't now that she's convinced her family how horrible I am.  I mean, she'd have to admit to them that she was less than honest.

She told our 7 year old that his brother and I aren't coming on the trip, which made him cry and state that he doesn't want to go if we can't go.  And her 17 year old daughter also says she doesn't want to go without us, but she probably will.

I think she feels guilty about it, as she keeps coming up with ideas for things my son and I can do while the rest of them are gone.  Trips we could take on our own, things like that.  It's not likely to be possible, since we can't get any money back for the tickets and there just won't be enough for us to do our own thing.  When I explained this to her she almost sounded remorseful, saying she's sorry for "all this" (but nothing specific).

I've spent the last couple weeks alternating between a depressed/anxious state and anger/disgust.  Today it's anger/disgust.  I am *this* close to throwing in the towel and sending her packing.

Although I was really looking forward to the trip, the worst part for me is knowing that she's telling people such nasty untrue things about me, and I'm sure she really believes them herself.

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[DaddyBear77]

Hi FrustratedSpouse  - I'm sorry things fell apart like this. I've had so many trips go down the tubes at the last minute. I've always tried to salvage what I could, but it never turns out the same.

It sounds like the reason you're not welcome on the trip is that her family is not willing to welcome you, given the (false) accusations she's shared with them. Is this correct?

Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but did you say that her reaction to the warning about rage... .was to rage for several days? Hummm.

You mentioned that the worst part is knowing she's telling other people nasty, untrue things about you. I'm wondering, have you brought this point up with her? Before you do that, did you ever have a chance to read the post here about Surviving confrontation and disrespect?

[Waveney]

Hi FrustratedSpouse, This sounds very difficult and disappointing to deal with. It sounds like she is afraid to admit that she’s in the wrong and so has to keep up the version of events that makes her look like the victim. Both with family  services and with her family.

I was wondering how you feel about the letter and it’s potential impact on you? And do her family know that she has BPD? Are they unaware of her rages?

[Radcliff]

Waveny,

I've had my share of ruined vacations, or almost ruined vacations.  My wife would regularly disinvite me from our family vacations.  According to her, everyone else could go, but not me!  Eventually, I ended up making it on every one.  I just never accepted her disinvitation. 

It occurs to me that accepting your disinvitation could be looked at as validating the invalid.  It is preposterous for her to exclude you as a form of punishment for things you did not do.  And it is not an appropriate way to treat the kids.

I know that every situation is different, and with our pwBPD, consequences of bold action can be quite uncomfortable, but have you considered simply telling her that you guys all roll as a family, and you and your son are going?

WW