Hard to move past hurtful words of BPD boyfriend

[floridagal10]

My boyfriend has been recently diagnosed with having BPD, and after a long 6 years of being together and enduring his verbal and emotional abuse, it finally makes sense on where some of his words have been coming from.  He is now looking into therapy.  I know I should not take some things he says so personal, but I have some work myself in learning to do that as I am a self recognized codependent.  I am working to forgive and get past some of the extremely painful things he has said and done to me (never physical abuse), but I'm not sure I can one particular thing.

We have had an extremely volatile relationship during our time together with several breakups and reunions.  During one of those last breakups, he slept with a longtime crush of his quickly after the breakup multiple times.  To add further insult to injury, in him trying to justify his actions, he told me "She was the perfect woman to me physically, and hotter than I ever thought I could have".  I know they really did sleep together and I know what she looks like, and yes I think she is more attractive overall than me.   We spent about 2 months apart during that break during which I was not with anyone else. We then reunited and have been back together 6 months.   

There have been so many hurtful and manipulative things said and done by him to me, and I feel like I can get past anything especially now in understanding more about BPD... .but the one thing I am having an extremely difficult time moving past are his comments about him sleeping with his long time crush.  I don't hold it against him for sleeping with that person as we were clearly broken up and I don't see it as cheating.  He tells me he thinks I'm more beautiful, but I know he's just trying to make me feel better and the truth of comparing me to his crush is already out.  How do I move past what he said about that woman?  Any time I've tried bringing it up that it still bothers me he just gets very angry and tells me I should move past it and to not mention her ever again and gets on the verge of breaking up with me again.  I know relationships aren't always just about being with whoever you think is the hottest person you can have, but at the same time people don't want to hear about how my significant other had a fling with another person who they thought is physically more attractive than myself, and is incredibly hurtful and damaging to my self esteem to hear and move past.

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[Chippy]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggle floridagal10.

One really bright spot to focus on (in my opinion) is the diagnosis.  Now you both know what you are dealing with and can hopefully make more informed decisions and find healthier behaviors.

I'm intrigued by your story because my pwBPD has done pretty much the same thing (multiple times) of leaving, getting intimately involved with someone else, and then coming back and talking about it not understanding why I struggle with it... .I wonder if anyone else has seen similar behavior? Is it perhaps a manipulation tactic, telling us how great someone else is (physically or otherwise) in order to put us down (and in my case, makes me feel that I am not worthy of them, so I tend to give into her demands even more)? I don't know... .just a thought.

I of course don't have any answers, but just talking about it with someone (like us here on the board :-) is a good start.  There are also some good resources to start learning about BPD and how to cope.  bpdfamily here has a set of recommended books (I'll try to find the link). Personally I found "I hate you... .don't leave me" to be a good starting point.  Also, because you mentioned taking things personally (something I struggle with as well) maybe "The Four Agreements"?

Here's the link for the book reviews on this site: https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews

[Mutt]

Hi floridagal10,



I agree with Chippy the good news is he’s in therapy the bad news is that your struggling with the infidelity. I’m sorry that I can h much help there. I jbersrsnd what your going through my exuBPDw would try to pull me or she wanted me to follow her in directions that didn’t align with my values. Id suggest to take inventory of your values, some people can work past infidelity and some can’t.

I’ve heard Skip suggest ground zero wipe the slate clean and start at ground zero. I’m sure that stayers will give you advice. I’m glad that you decided to join us! The lessons are on the right side of the board

[floridagal10]

Just to clarify. I don't have any issue with the act of him sleeping with his long time crush, and I don't see it as infedility.  It occurred after a breakup that I initiated and made it clear at the time that I was leaving and not coming back.  Ultimately I did come back however... .and while I don't have issue with or struggle with getting over him sleeping with that person... .it's what he said to me once we got back together in describing how she was "so perfect physically and the woman of his dreams, and a hotter girl than he ever thought he could have" that is what is really messing me up in my head and struggle with trying to erase that from my memory.

[pearlsw]

Hi floridagal10,

I hear that you were very hurt by these comments and that it is affecting your self-esteem. So, let's talk about that a bit.

If you will allow me to be a bit broad with comments here... .Well, to be honest if my partner ran off and slept with a supermodel I'd find that pretty funny. Just picturing it now makes me laugh! I think of lots of famous one's faces - and long legs as tall as him. He'd probably not be too confident himself... .but likely soldier on and go for it... .I dunno! It makes me laugh though (and I hope I am not offending you!)

Now if that happened in reality... .not with a supermodel but just another woman that could sting... .But I think what I'd do is this... .and follow me here... .I'd say to myself, okay, I'm not a supermodel... .So what? I don't have the hottest body ever but whatever. I'm good. I'd tell myself that I have a lot of wonderful qualities and sure while he may be going on and on about her body where is he, by you? And why? Because there are many wonderful things that you offer the world too. Looks fade, but a quality person with a good character and a forgiving heart like you've shown here... .that's beautiful too, and maybe more so.

So I'd take the time to pump myself up! I wouldn't let myself think she was any better than me, she was who was around that day. Take the time to love yourself and appreciate yourself. I have known women of all shapes, sizes and looks who are hot - and it is their sparkling, magical personalities that bring out their beauty! There is beauty all around if you just look! It is in you too!   You aren't competing against another woman... .You just need to feel good about yourself and have all you need!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Hi floridaga10,

Saw this resource on the site about Believing in Yourself and wanted to recommend it: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0

~pearl.

[Radcliff]

Hi floridagal10,

How are you doing?  You said that your boyfriend is looking into therapy.  Do you know what kind he is looking into?  Is he enthusiastic about it?  Do you get the idea he might follow through and start?  Though it can be difficult to get a pwBPD to consider therapy, those that do often have great success.

WW

[floridagal10]

He's going to be meeting with a therapist soon and ask to start DBT.

[Radcliff]

floridagal10,

DBT is fantastic news!  It is a really good program.  The program is developed in great detail, especially for people with BPD.  The folks that run the programs are excellent at making the pwBPD feel accepted, while also inspiring them to change.  I am excited for you and him that he's pursuing this treatment.

WW