My partner died.Now I'm facing my demons

[Jox]

Hi all,

Before I start, I remember a bord section on personal growth. I can't find it as I remember. If it is somwhere pls. mods move it.

Well he died, unnecessary in five days, after admitted to a hospital. Man of good health, no drugs, strong body, never liked doctors, my husband with borderline, 15 years together dead in seconds, 43 years.

I would have never left. We, he and me had great progress, with Ayahuasca and vipassana mostly and therapy when available. Had it not been the case I am not sure if I would survive this loss.

And now it's time for me to face my own demons. I am going to Lacanian psychoanalysis, four times a week, for months now.

As I can see, since now it's all about me, I see myself as troubled as he was. Of course, who "normal" would be living the hell for 15 years of emotional abuse.

I am just not sure if people actually know the how dangerous this mix is.

I though he would die if I would have left. And he would have, but he did even on "my watch".

What felt hard is when I got an e mail to participate more on the boards.

I would love to be of help, but now looking back, I don't think it was a relationship, it was unqualified care that was killing me.

What can I say to anybody? Even if he were alive, and I have had analysis, what would I say? I would prefer to say run away... .

Would have I done it? Now
Would I know how? Now

Do I know how much sick I am to have been part of this, now I know.

It takes two to tango, the sexiest dance of a couple dances, and now what is left? It was not sexy, it was not a dance, we were not together.

- now I have freedom?, I have long way to go... .

So I have non advise to give, no encouragement,

Best to all of you
I wish I could be of more help, now I don't see it.
Jox

[valet]

I'm sorry for your loss, Jox.

I encourage you to keep on posting when you need to get things out.

We're all here for you.

[Mutt]

Hi Jox,

I’m sorry for your loss. The personal inventory board was renamed to this board learning after a failed r/s. Hang in there.

[Turkish]

Well he died, unnecessary in five days, after admitted to a hospital. Man of good health, no drugs, strong body, never liked doctors, my husband with borderline, 15 years together dead in seconds, 43 years.

This is a shock... .how did he die unnecessarily?

Don't worry about supporting others... .how can we support you?

T

[pearlsw]

Hi Jox,

I am so sorry to hear of this. I can only imagine the depth of your grief. Would be glad to hear more if you would like to share.

So sorry for your loss!

with compassion, pearl.

[heartandwhole]

Jox, I'm so sorry. 

Please keep posting. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Skip]

It's a heart breaking note... .I am so sorry for your loss.

This is the old self-awareness board, you are in the right place.

What happened in the hospital?

[Speck]

Jox, I am so sorry that this has happened. 

I know you've got a lot on your mind right now.  Please let us know if there's anything we can do to support you.


-Speck