Lack of desire to be intimate with BPDh

[Xanadu]

It seems like the ":)" word is used quite regularly with BPD's. My BPDh just sent an email this morning stating he was pretty much done. He did not mention divorce but said he didn't want to be married anymore. I again told him I was sorry for what I said the night before last and I appreciated that he was making efforts to be kinder and more attentive to me and that he has made some concessions which are huge for him, although I am thinking he wants to recant, to take back the thing that he agreed to. I feel like he may be trying to manipulate me to get his way. That the only way he will forgive me is if I allow him to have his way again.

I suppose I should make this a little more clear. He wants certain things sexually that I am not and have never been comfortable with , but have done so, because he can't achieve orgasm otherwise, and I told him last weekend that it has gotten to the point that I have huge anxiety beforehand, that it does not turn me on. I feel like I have tried to please him and keep him happy for our entire married life, to the point of me not knowing what I really like or want and now I have no desire. I want to, but I just don't.

I know he is frustrated and I am likewise. He will not go to a therapist. I think he may even be a sex addict... .he was molested when he was 5 years old and he has recently told me that since then he has had the need for sex.

I need to sit down with him and explain that we are at a point that we both need help in order to make the relationship move on and grow and that we need outside help. I just need to put my big girl pants on and do it... .it just scares the crap out of me!

A therapist once told me to think of what was the worst that could happen, think through it and become okay with it and then you can overcome the fear of what may happen.

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[pearlsw]

Hi Roxzan,

Oh yes! It can be very hard to maintain sexual desire towards our BPD partners when they are off and on and changing and threatening so much. I know it has been so for me. I made some progress on this issue in the past, for a time at least. That was a success I had. It was mostly about me adjusting my mindset though... .

What are your fears? That he won't want to seek treatment?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[mama-wolf]

Hi Roxzan,

I actually struggle with this too, but my wife doesn't really try to initiate much and hasn't for some time.  Makes me feel like I'm off the hook in some ways, but it's also quite lonely.  I can only imagine how much more difficult it would be if asked or demanded to do things that flat-out don't turn you on and/or are uncomfortable.  I really believe there should be mutual pleasure involved.

In my situation, I have moved further into a place where I have a lack of desire to even show or receive physical affection.  I will hug her to offer support when she's in need, but even then I feel stiff and guarded.  She wants to kiss hello or goodbye, and in those instances I'm mostly going through the motions.  The couple of times she has wanted a kiss to linger or deepen, I have the immediate reaction of wanting to pull away.  I don't think that bodes well for us, but we are in the early sessions of couples therapy and I'm sure we'll get to this along the way.

mw

[Xanadu]

What are your fears? That he won't want to seek treatment?

I think my real fear is I will break down and give in to his desires as I have always done... .to keep the peace... .to keep him happy.

[Xanadu]

In my situation, I have moved further into a place where I have a lack of desire to even show or receive physical affection.  I will hug her to offer support when she's in need, but even then I feel stiff and guarded.  She wants to kiss hello or goodbye, and in those instances I'm mostly going through the motions.  The couple of times she has wanted a kiss to linger or deepen, I have the immediate reaction of wanting to pull away.

Mama-Wolf this is exactly how I feel, how I have been for a number of years. And what's more when he touches me physically I immediately associate it with his desire to have sex his way and I just kind of cringe. I know this is not good, I wish we were in couples therapy.

[pearlsw]

Mama-Wolf this is exactly how I feel, how I have been for a number of years. And what's more when he touches me physically I immediately associate it with his desire to have sex his way and I just kind of cringe. I know this is not good, I wish we were in couples therapy.

Hi Roxzan,

This sounds so difficult! And I am guessing... .He is not easy to talk to about sexual issues? My future exBPDp was not easy to talk to. He was very sensitive about such issues and could not handle discussions well and so that led to breakdowns with sex at times. I was unhappy, but could not express it, was afraid to express my feelings about things because he would get upset so easily. He would feel "rejected" and then make things even more difficult.

Is there a way to shift his attention to things that you both enjoy instead of doing these things that aren't comfortable for you? Do you think he'd talk about this kind of stuff in therapy?

wishing you happiness, pearl.