Advice BPD Bad Breakup

[Mikehint]

So heres my story, I need help,  I was in a serious relationship with someone with BPD, bi polar and PTSD (18 months) it was amazing all the way up until about the last month. During the relationship I seen warning signs of her mental illness but unfortunately I did not take the illness seriously because I did not understand what it entailed (BIG mistake). Now I feel like I understand the mental illness more than anything I have devoted countless hours into reading and researching so I feel I am well aware on what it entails now and in the future. I had no idea how serious this disorder was, she seemed so normal I had trouble realizing how damaged she felt inside. I thought she just had bad anger, anxiety and depression. I love her with all my heart and want her back so badly. She is truly the best person Ive ever met even during the good and bad times and I'm trying to understand the best way to do so, even though everyone tells me I am crazy for it. The mistakes I made was ditching her roughly the last month made plans but did not come over, I was being lazy and selfish (did not understand how serious the abandonment issues were) and not taking her illness seriously. We fought bad and then one morning I found out she cheated on me, dumped me after and then replaced me ("with someone whos better who also has mental illness and understands her". After this happened we talked about 4 times in person each lasting about 3-4 hours each. I printed articles out, highlighted key talking points and bought her the book "I Hate you don't leave me" I explained how sorry I was and how dedicated I was to making this relationship work now that I have learned from my mistakes. At first the talks went okay, she said she regretted that she cheated but didn't regret breaking up. We cried and talked together but she refused to get back with me. The last time we talked I wrote her a letter to leave with her for her to eventually read. The talk went well and she said she would reconsider our relationship like 6 months down the road. Then after she called me telling me she hates me and that she doesn't know if she will contact me again. She got in trouble with her parents for finding cigs, (we both smoke and we forgot to hide them) and her parents caught her and she blamed me for not taking the cigs with me. side note- (her parents love me and we got along great) Long story short, I read up on how the last encounter with someone with BPD affects how they see you in the future. I am having so much trouble not contacting her, because I feel like If I have a chance in the future she I need that split black last encounter to change even if its from a brief phone call to change that last encounter. That night after our last talk, she blocked my number, facebook and twitter. Along with my family members, however she left some family as friends still (Probably just forgot). I know she doesn't think of me and it kills me deeply  I know I sound crazy and I feel like I'm going crazy. I wonder if contacting her now will piss her off more or maybe I can just talk to her and explain I want to talk about her illness (nothing about getting back together because I don't want to pressure her). the breakup happened mid dec and we talked until about jan 13. Now its been 3 weeks NC to the day and its eating me up inside. I have tried to move on, I have been on a number of dates and talked to new people. I know she is truly the one. What kills me is during our first talk she said she could love me again and could be happy again but was too hurt by what I did to her (ditching, and not taking illness seriously) I know deep down I deserve better and everyone tells me that but I truly love her more than anything. She is a good person haunted by this illness. She has been in therapy about a year now and last time I spoke to her she was taking new anti-seizure medicine and acting like she truly wanted to get better. I am afraid she will get better and move on with this new guy without giving me another chance which breaks my heart. I think she is in the idealization stage with this new guy,  but I'm not sure she will even contact me if that doesn't work out. I just wonder what is my best decision to get her to not hate me and see how much I truly did for her and love her. I know BPD people don't love or feel empathy the same way, I just wonder if a phone call would help or hurt my chances more, I feel obsessed with her and I am not at all proud of it. I would have to call from a new number or *67 (because I'm blocked) which could trigger her even more. Last time we spoke she said I was her best bf she ever had and that she did love me during our relationship. I am wondering if she just said that so I would leave her alone or meant it same with the 6 months and the letter. Everyone says time heals all but I feel just as terrible not contacting her. She has never held back her thoughts/feelings before which makes me believe she meant it. I am sorry for sounding crazy, I just figured this was a good place to post and vent my thoughts. I am curious to what you guys think seeing as many of you have gone through the same issues. If there is anything I can clarify or explain better just let me know. Some days have been better than others but I cant help to just think about her all the time. I feel I will call her sooner than later I thought about waiting till my birthday or her bday 2 days apart Feb 22th and Feb 24th because I just cant take it anymore but I feel like I wont even be able to last that long. I have been seeing a therapist but this whole encounter has left me feeling so damaged all I want is her back again.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Mikehint,

Sorry to hear about the pain you are experiencing! I know how hard it can be when we love someone and want to be in contact, but it simply cannot be. There is a lot to touch on here and hopefully other members will join us here to offer their wisdom.

Years ago I had really cool boyfriend who seemed so amazing and wonderful. And he was. But in retrospect he had some BPD traits and suddenly cut me out of his life. I am not proud to say I agonized pretty hard over losing him. Losing him so suddenly triggered a lot of pain for me and it took me years to recover. I can tell you this many years later... .my only regret is I didn't have a site like this to help me make sense of that enormous pain. It was horrible. I know it is hard to see off into the future and it is such a cliche, but trust me, it can get better if you put your focus on healing yourself.

We get so excited about the other people in our lives we often neglect our relationships with ourselves. I wrote letters, tried to call, set up visits, etc. and you know what I got for all that effort? Cold treatment as if I'd meant nothing and some extra humiliation and pain. So, if I can steer you towards a healthier, less obsessive path I sure would like to. Imagine yourself out ahead years from now looking back to today... .where would your energy have been best spent?

Does she want a call from you? You say she's blocked you right? Do you see a chance to reverse the breakup?

wishing you peace, pearl. 

[Mikehint]

thank you, pearlsw and no I doubt she wants a call from me or else why would she keep me blocked. I don't know how to reverse the breakup especially because she's with someone new now, only a week after we split up. I've tried everything she just doesn't believe me or doesn't want to believe me. Idk if its just a rebound or in idealization stage, she certainty has split me black and idk how long that will last. She's messed with my mind a lot, especially because when we first broke up she told me we could be happy again and she could love me again but now wasn't the time. She said she needs to "take this chance with this guy" I know I deserve so much better, but its just so hard. Idk if she's just lying or being sincere, she's never lied before which makes me believe her. I think contacting her now would only piss her off more unfortunately, she just doesn't understand how much I love and care about her.

[Radcliff]

Mikehint,

It can be terribly hard to pine away for someone you can't have.  But let me echo pearlsw's advice about investing in yourself.  You'll be happier, will find it easier to stop pursuing her, and as a bonus, if she happens to look your way at some point, you will seem more attractive if you are living your own life.

I am not trying to minimize how important this woman is to you.  She seems fantastic.  My comments are aimed at easing your pain in the short term, and perhaps increasing your odds with her in the long term.

What other things do you have in your life that you enjoy doing?  Do you have relationships with family or friends that you enjoy?  If your "tank" is running low in these areas, what might you be able to do to fill it up a bit?

WW

[Mikehint]

Thank you Wentworth, your right there's no point in investing my time and thoughts into her when she wants nothing to do with me. In the end it is her loss because I would have done anything for her. There is not point in me even attempting to contact her if she wants to talk she knows I am here for her. I will continue so hard to focus on myself and make myself a better person in the future.

[Astronomancer]

Hi guys.

I’m new to the site but not new to experiencing a close relationship with someone who has BPD. My mother has it but I didn’t know until years after moving out. Currently I am going through a “cold treatment” cycle with a guy I had gotten very close to over a five months. We almost seemed like a couple but he was very back and forth with me as BOD tends to do. I have a forum post up called “He’s Left Again.” If you want to read the whole story.

Regardless, I’m trying to find coping methods like you, OP. the best advice that I know gets repeated is distancing for now and focusing on yourself... .I’m going back to therapy too to get more advice, but in the end, we can’t force people to do what we want. I am obsessed with this guy like you are obsessed with her. He is always on my mind. I can’t help but email him every now and then. But it doesn’t help because they won’t come back until they are ready... .and the pressure may just make our SOs feel worse. Like you, I also didn’t take his BPD seriously. I waited too long to research more and thought I could handle it. BIG MISTAKE! Hahaha. But let’s both try to get through this. It’s been a week for me, but the week before we also didn’t speak and he only “came back” a couple of days and we barely talked and he never apologized because he thought he didn’t deserve it. I can’t imagine the amount of guilt and anger and pain he must feel but he was also clear that my love and emotions were suffocating him. So maybe our best bet is to be strong and deal with our lives come what may. We can get through this. Patience is necessary and it’s also necessary not to let their words or behaviors invalidate you or dictated your life. I made mistakes getting suicidal over him when, truly, those with BPD cannot always control themselves.

Im not saying to forget it and move on. I just want you to know I’m going through similar and you are not alone.

[RandomName]

And in turn, Astromancer, I want you to know your post elsewhere resonated with me, and I'm glad you have reached some clarity so soon. You're kind to validate Mikehint with your own experience, and Mikehint, I feel ya too, I've had a lot of the same experiences and thoughts/worries. Best of luck to both of you -- I trust that doing the work and focusing on yourself will help. I've had a lot of banal Instagram posts be suggested to me because of my liking somewhat similar relationship self-help posts, and I thought of my own:

Don't try to win them back. Win yourself back.

[Astronomancer]

And in turn, Astromancer, I want you to know your post elsewhere resonated with me, and I'm glad you have reached some clarity so soon. You're kind to validate Mikehint with your own experience, and Mikehint, I feel ya too, I've had a lot of the same experiences and thoughts/worries. Best of luck to both of you -- I trust that doing the work and focusing on yourself will help. I've had a lot of banal Instagram posts be suggested to me because of my liking somewhat similar relationship self-help posts, and I thought of my own:

Don't try to win them back. Win yourself back.

Thank you and I'm happy to hear that this was okay feedback. I don't claim to know all the right answers and I wish I knew how to "bring them back," but it's most important to remember to love ourselves through this because otherwise, these can be very traumatic events--and even still, they can be traumatic even when we ARE taking care of ourselves. I know my abandonment issues act up in response but it's unhealthy for all parties involved when we throw our emotions everywhere. WE CAN DO IT! While love may not be a choice, I find it's easiest to separate myself from the person and their issues and try not to blame myself too much for things outside of my control... .even if it DOES suck and it DOES hurt. I personally feel empty and lost without someone I called my best friend, but... .the answers will come to us if we are patient, wise with research, and remember that ourselves come first in times like this.

[once removed]

hi Mikehint and

i had a very similar ending to my relationship. i felt blindsided by the breakup. i couldnt get her, or my circumstances out of my mind, and i was in pretty bad shape. then i learned about BPD, and i had many of the same questions, thoughts, and fears.

so i would give you the same advice that was given to me at the time.

for starters, three weeks felt like a lifetime to me at the time, but it was nothing. i am not at all surprised to hear that you are not ready to move on, or that this is really weighing on you at three weeks. i dont mean to tell you that it will last forever, it wont, but the more i realized i should expect that this would really hurt for a while, that i should expect a lot of ups and downs, the more relaxed i was, and the either it all was to process.

i dont normally say this, but id bet a lot of money that youll hear from her again. i cant tell you when, and i cant tell you what the nature of the engagement will be, but when it comes to serious relationships of this length of time, that end badly, eventually the emotions thaw, and at the very least, both parties want to have things on a positive note. sometimes both parties have come a long way, learned a lot, and want to give it another shot.

so what can you do now and between then?

generally, the advice around here says to consider the "old" relationship dead, and if the relationship rekindles, to enter into it with a completely different game plan. improving the relationship usually involves some level of detachment, some level of grieving; do that.

learn the tools and lessons here, to the right of the board. practice them with your friends and family, they work with everyone, not just people with BPD traits.

as you are able to, get back to your normal life and normal routine. this will reduce the overwhelming thoughts of her, though as i said, it takes time. learn new challenges and skills while youre at it, it will really up your confidence. you may be doing it at first with her as the motivation, but that will start to dissipate, and your gains will be a win win either way.

it doesnt sound like contacting her is a good idea. i was overwhelmed with the urge to do it as well. i told myself (and my friends and family kept repeating it to me) that i COULD do it whenever i wanted, but that now was not the time. it worked like a charm.

how is it going with your therapist?

[Mikehint]

thank you guys I'm glad we can share similar experiences, share our stories and help us recover. Your messages and kind words mean a lot. I'm glad to know that others know what it feels like it. It makes me feel not so alone going through this heartbreaking pain. I have never felt this betrayed before in my life. I still deal with tremendous amount of shock and disbelief.  They just have that way of looking at you and loving you which is different from other relationships I have experienced. I realized that I became extremely co dependent on her during our relationship and didn't realize it until she was gone and maybe I didn't love myself as much as I should have. I  thought there was no way we could ever break up. This good part is we have all learned from these experiences and can grow to better ourselves in the future. I hope one day I don't have any desire to get her back because without serious help and medication they will never get better. And for someone with BPD that takes a EXTREME amount of dedication and work from what I have researched. Therapy for me is going okay. I still have a lot of trouble, but I understand that it is normal. I am lucky to have a good job and loving family which has also helped me through this painful time. I feel broken and unstable, but I am trying my best to stay strong. Its hard not to keep tabs on her when you were so close for so long. The only reason I have such a strong urge to contact her is to change how she split me blacker than ever during our last encounter , although I don't know how true that is in regards to how they will see you in the future (Last encounter) and to your point it could make matters a lot worse by not giving her any space. Luckily we live 45 minutes away so I doubt ill be running into her in person at all again. I don't know how I will feel in the future, part of me says I will want to reconnect with her just because we have shared so many crazy experiences together. But calling her wont do any good even if our last experience ended bad. I realize I cannot control how she feels nor how she sees me. In the end we all deserve someone who loves us for who we are and the mistakes we make. Making mistakes is part of any healthy relationship. Everyone has been telling me exercise is a great way to work on yourself and feel better. I have been drinking a lot more which I know is not healthy but makes me feel strong at times. I will try to cut that out and work on loving myself. I know I have a big heart and a lot to offer especially to someone I know is worthwhile. I hope everyone feels better and we can get through this together by staying strong!

[Radcliff]

Mikehint, I think you have thought this all through well.  Just keep filling your life with other things, keep remembering where you want to go, and you'll do well.  You might want to check out the "Learning" board, where folks are using their past experiences with BPD relationships to help inform their later relationships.  You could make some good contributions there, I think.

WW

[Mikehint]

thank you WW. I messed up big time today and like a idiot decided to check my ex's Instagram and of course she posted a picture with her new guy. (the first picture of him since our break up in mid dec) I cant lie it killed me inside, worse than I ever felt.Hurt bad truly to the core, but I know it was my fault for even checking and expecting anything less. I happened to then realize I am done giving a shi*. I have turned my sadness into deep deep anger for her. I am torn between her mental illness and her being a overall just terrible person with no values. when we last spoke she said she had to stop drinking because of her medicine, but of course there picture was at a beer convention it looked like. so it seems she's not even taking her treatment any better or seriously. Someone who can cheat on you, break up with you and then rub it in your face and date that guy 1 week later is not worth the tears and heartbreak I am causing on myself everyday. I just fear that maybe he is better for her and she will date him a long time which kills me but why should I even care? I know I made mistakes and I owned up to them when we spoke, but From now on I have nothing but hate and anger towards her. I know that might not be the healthiest route at this time, but I have never been this mentally unstable over someone. even 2 months after the fact its killing me and I cant take it any more. Someone I trusted with my life and would have taken a bullet for can hurt me this bad doesn't deserve my love EVER.  I am done thinking she will contact me 6 months down the road or reconsider the relationship. She wont. I have now transformed myself to just hate everything that she put me through. I realized I have to stop keeping tabs on her because it will only bring me pain as hard as it is to let go. I will do better I will get better and I deserve better. I do not believe she will ever contact me. she never has with any of her other exs even though she said I was the best she was probably just lying or wanted me to stop talking to her. I will not let her destroy my life no matter how good the good times were. I hope everyone had a good valentines day!