Not sure how I feel about couples counseling right now

[mama-wolf]

Let me start by saying I'm very glad we're in couples therapy, and I want to continue.  I guess I'm conflicted because although I think a lot of positive things are going to come from it, I also still have strong doubts as to whether it will ultimately save our marriage.  It doesn't make me want to stop, but I tend to wonder if I'm being a hypocrite in participating.

We had kind of a false start with a different couples therapist in late December.  While sessions with him did seem to be identifying some issues and pain points in our relationship, there was no clear structure/framework (at least, not that he communicated to us) and it really didn't feel like we were working on specific goals or topics.  He shared with us after a handful of sessions that his wife was getting ready to give birth to twins, and that after he returned from a couple weeks of paternity leave, he was moving to a different practice.  It was frustrating to have spent the time with him that we did, only to have to start over with someone else, but ultimately I guess it was for the best.  uBPDw and I both agreed there were some mannerisms, etc. (in addition to his approach) that got in the way of our ability to connect with him.

So our new T is a Gottman Institute practitioner (is that how you refer to it?), which is something uBPDw really wanted to try based on the recommendation of a friend of hers.  We had an intake session, then each had an individual session, and last week was the first one where we started the long process of digging into the relationship dynamics.  It has been very validating to me for our T to call attention to my wife's defensiveness in particular.  Both last week as a gentle observation, and this week as a more direct observation, our T saw where and how uBPDw turns things around on me either in a "you do it too" way, or calling out how my mom is a problem when it's really her own mom that she has problems with.

We had our second formal session with the new therapist this morning.  I can see how hard it is for uBPDw to hear the things I need her to hear, and I know it's going to be equally hard for her to work through all the things that are coming up.  I'm so emotionally burnt out and she wants so much from me... .and I'm finally in a space with her where a neutral party is able to buffer that while we truly get at the root problems. 

I have been taking the opportunity to bring up (as lovingly as I can) the concerns I have had.  From uBPDw's criticism (especially when aimed at our daughter), to her choice to consume alcohol against the advice of her own therapist due to interaction with medications, to the fact that she herself asked that therapist to discuss the possibility of BPD and that I heavily identify with being the Non in all that I have been reading/exploring on my own on that topic.  And someone is actually listening to me... .objectively, openly, without judgement, and with solid recommendations for how we can both make things better.

My own therapist said it's really difficult to diagnose someone with BPD (especially if they are higher-functioning) because they can talk around topics to avoid giving the necessary information that raises the right flags.  I know the accountability of having me there in couples therapy is hard for uBPDw, and she takes being held accountable for her choices and actions as criticism in itself.  I know she wants to be heard too, and feels like she doesn't get the same objectivity, openness, lack of judgement, etc. coming from me that I mentioned above.  I hope she can recognize it when it's coming from our T.

Part of me feels like I'm getting off too easy so far.  I even told my own T that sometimes I feel like going to therapy for myself is an indulgence that I shouldn't get to have.  Intellectually, I know it's good for me, and really necessary given where we have gotten ourselves in our relationship, but it's hard for me to do things for myself in general.  And I am finding myself wary of "enjoying" or feeling the positive effects of these choices (like validation).  What the hell is that about?   It's a mostly rhetorical question, but I invite commentary to help me frame my own thoughts.

This is way longer than I intended, but I guess I felt the need to get it out there!

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[Woolspinner2000]

Hi mama-wolf! 

I'm glad that you've started in T. It's a good thing, but it also can be tough for both of you. When I've gone with DH, there are times I feel afraid to share freely, and largely the fear is because I don't know how things will be after the T.

And I am finding myself wary of "enjoying" or feeling the positive effects of these choices (like validation).  What the hell is that about? 

When you have become used to bracing yourself against the storms, it's hard to enjoy the calm, peaceful, sunny spots because you expect the next upcoming storm. Does that make any sense?

Wools

[Mutt]

And I am finding myself wary of "enjoying" or feeling the positive effects of these choices (like validation).  What the hell is that about?   It's a mostly rhetorical question, but I invite commentary to help me frame my own thoughts.

Validation is addressing someone’s feelings fir example my S10 has a learning disability GAD traits etc. It’s a long weekend here so if I took the kids out for something to do as a family and it turns out that whatever I had planned let’s say taking then to the swimming pool, it’s closed when I get there then later on that day because I didn’t validate my sons feelings he’ll dysregulate. He is highly sensitive and he needs to know what we’re going to do ahead of time because he can’t understand that we can’t go to the pool it’s ok to find something else to do.

When we get to the closed pool I could have validated his feelings “It looks like the pool is closed, i know how excited that you were it’s disappointing instead we’ll do etc... .He’s a highly sensitive person and pwBPD have low self esteem, low self worth, self loath and validation helps make the person feel heard and everyone ants to be heard.

[mama-wolf]

Thank you Wools and Mutt for the responses!

Wools, yes I definitely worry all morning before couples therapy how things will go in session, and what the fallout might be afterwards. It's enough to get my nerves going, because I usually feel like I have to be so careful with how I present a complaint or different opinion.

And I like the way you described enjoying the calm... .because that's where I am now.  Things have calmed down a bit at home now that we have started therapy together in earnest, and I am really wondering when he rug us going to be pulled out from under me... .

Mutt thank you for the validation points.  I am totally on board with being better at validating my uBPDw's feelings.  What I was referring to in my original post is my own discomfort/unsure feelings about actually getting validation myself.  Like it's something I have had so little of until recently, I almost feel like I don't know what to do with it.

[Lakebreeze]

Hi there mama-wolf!
I know exactly what you are talking about. I will never forget the day our therapist validated my feelings "I am sure you do get blamed for everything... .you are undoubtedly in a very very difficult marriage" Wow. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. I was in total shock that I wasn't being talked over and shut down and someone was actually telling me it was ok to feel that way and even say it.
You deserve to be validated. It's a need that you have ignored so long you don't even know it's there. My own experience was that it really came with a flood of emotions. About alot of different things.
So keep talking about it, seeking self validation, and taking care of you. it's really easy when you are with a BPD and forget, and let it all become about validating them.
Take care!

[mama-wolf]

Thanks so much for sharing that, Lakebreeze! It really helps to hear someone else has shared a similar experience.

Sometimes I feel like I'm overreacting to my situation, since most of my uBPDw's behavior is not as extreme as what others on these boards have experienced and are currently going through.  But we have been together for 15 years, and I guess it's just been like a river cutting into a hillside... .at some point if you are able to step back, you realize how much the landscape has changed without you realizing it.