Dating again...Break up lesson?

[Sunfl0wer]

Soo... .
Not really sure why I am posting this but gonna do it anyways... .
So I ended up in a really neat relationship with someone I love very much and also loves me.  It lasted a bit over 3 months?

We both have reasons that we cannot take the relationship farther, even tho emotionally we both wanted to, logically/pragmatically it just cannot.  So to no fault of either of us... .it is over.  We are going to see if we can remain friends.  (Hopefully we can be friends without it feeling too painful.)

I suppose I am just wanting to process some of this outloud here... .
I had therapy today... .
What we discussed was my sadness.  I was really struggling to run from it via vices such as drinking, exercising... .etc.
Right now, he is also coping via exercising and kind of persuing activities in his life in hyper gear mode.

I guess part of me would very much like to escape the sadness and distract myself from the uncomfortable feelings.  (And I am sure there is a time/place for coping via distracting)

However, in therapy today, my therapist reframed to me all the things I love about him (this guy) and our special connection.  As he did this, tears began to finally roll down my face. (Instead of the anger I was expressing last week at my loss) I feel like he was forcing me to face this sadness.  Some of the things in our relationship were some of the most healthy/personal growth-like experiences I have had from a man or anyone for that matter.  The way that we love each other is very kind, compassionate, accepting, etc.

So for me running from my sadness... .is essentially also running from these wonderful things that I discovered in our relationship dynamic.

Not sure if I am expressing this properly.

Cause for me to experience my sadness... .I think that also allows me to retain the traits about us that I miss.  (Whereas reverting to anger or distraction ends up causing me to leave behind the wonderful relational dynamic memories) Retain them in the sense that I did learn new ways of relating in intimacy/love with another and I do not want to loose that memory of goodness.  I want to keep it and hold onto that awareness... .not escape it for the sadness of the loss of it.  

Ok... .gonna finish my ramble there.
Somehow I felt it possible that there may be something useful in that worth sharing.  In any event... .I am working on appreciating the kindness and love we do have... .holding it... .without running from it... .even tho the dynamic between us is shifting.

I really do want a way to continue for us to remain kind/loving friends without it causing pain of what we cannot have.  Hopefully that will be possible, idk.

Anyways... .thanks for listening.
Appreciated!

[Tobiasfunke]

I can relate. I went through this recently. What are your expectations as far as friendship or what will a relationship with this person be like.

Due to circumstances mine moved very far away and I am unable to. It was very difficult as we both still felt that connection but knew it wasn’t feasible situation and very painful as weeks went by. I think of her and miss her everyday but there is no other option. I would do anything for this person if she asked but I doubt I will ever contact her again.

We all have different triggers but I couldn’t handle a Christmas card from her and whoever shes with or something like that. I was not angry at all with her. I get frustrated that I was in my BPD relationship for 19 years and really forever with the kids. And with my other person ,that there are is not enough room on the internet to sing her praises, we had such little time together. Just saying maybe it’s best to close that amazing chapter so it just stays how you remember it.

 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Sunfl0wer,

I'm sorry that your relationship had to end. That IS sad, because it sounds like it was a very close and loving one. 

I think I understand what you are saying here. And it reminds me of the fact that we cannot selectively suppress feelings, much as we try... .and try... .and try.

If we don't allow ourselves to feel sadness, we numb ourselves to feeling joy as well. And in your case, feeling the beauty and love that is at the core of that sadness.

That has been my experience: that as we allow our feelings to be just as they are, and have the courage to experience them fully, there is a kind of descent into ourselves... .and there can be a moment when the "negative" emotion dissolves and all that is left is a profound tenderness (other words that resonate might be peace, joy, love).

So, your going into the sadness to find the gifts of this relationship makes perfect sense to me. I would also suggest that those treasures are an inherent part of you, and were brought into your awareness through the relationship.

I hope you both can build a fulfilling friendship coming out of this. It might not be easy, but it sounds like it's well worth the effort.

Thanks for sharing this. It's a great reminder of how multi-faceted we are.

heartandwhole

[Insom]

Hi, Sunfl0wer!   

So for me running from my sadness... .is essentially also running from these wonderful things that I discovered in our relationship dynamic.

Not sure if I am expressing this properly.

Yes!  You expressed this very well.  I'm also working on feeling stuff (allowing feelings to happen) and can relate very much.  I also really like what heartandwhole said: "If we don't allow ourselves to feel sadness, we numb ourselves to feeling joy as well."

I really do want a way to continue for us to remain kind/loving friends without it causing pain of what we cannot have.  Hopefully that will be possible, idk.

How are things going?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sunflower, It seems normal to be sad in the aftermath of a warm and loving r/s.  I agree with Insom and h&w: if we open ourselves up to the joy of love, we are also opening ourselves up to negative feelings, which is OK.  As my T once explained, the heart has two chambers, both of which get activated in a r/s.

I'm sorry for you that it can't go on due to whatever practical reasons make it infeasible.  It seems like it was a positive experience for both of you, which says a lot about the quality of your r/s.  I'm guessing that you have a lot of happy memories to draw from.

LuckyJim