D19 coming home from Rehab- feeling resentful

[Daisy123]

My d19 will be returning home from rehab this Tuesday. I have a myriad of mixed emotions: Scared that she’ll use again, scared that she will quit her PHP as she has done in the past, resentful. I’m cleaning up her room. She had put holes into the walls during some of her fits. My husband thought it was a good idea to take the time to repair them and now- the mess of cleaning up is really bothering me today. We are literally cleaning up her mess. I went through every crack and crevice looking for Xanax - that’s what she went in for, a Xanax addiction. I guess I should be grateful that she chose to put herself in rehab. But she’s already complained about PHP and she’s not even out of rehab. The PHP is supposed to be one of the best in the city, it’s well known for DBT, eating and mood disorders. She will be placed in mood and addiction program. I’m just feeling mad that  we’ve had to go through this. Mad that there were huge holes in the walls and mad at all of the dust, laundry and garbage that I’ve got to get through. I would like her to know just how much we’ve been through - for her, because of this God awful disease. But I intellectually understand it’s like getting mad at someone for having cancer. The thing is- remaining sober when she’s relied on drugs to relieve herself from this BPD has been her go to. I am having difficulty finding faith in her as I literally clean up all that she’s been through, every bong and cut straw I find in her room just reminds me of how out of control this has become. And as far as I’m concerned, all of her friends use- so what does she actually have to come home to- no job, no school, no true friends, just my husband and me. That’s not enough. Ugh.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lady Itone]

I remember when exgfBPD was fist coming home from psyche ward, I cleaned her "room." We were in a broken up phase, but she was homeless so I let her stay in a tent in my yard. I cleaned it for her while she was in the hospital, and had to confront all the filth and chaos of her disordered, psychotic state, found items she'd stolen from me, threw away the straws and drug baggies. So upsetting.

Part of me wants to say you shouldn't clean up your daughter's room, make her do it herself or live with the consequences. But I remember I really wanted my exgf to return from the hospital to a calm, sane space, and I didn't believe she had the wherewithal to create it for herself. So if I wanted that, I knew I'd have to make it happen.

I'm sure you have other things you would rather be doing. But you want walls without holes and no drug paraphrenelia lying around, so you do what you have to. You've every right to feel pissed off about it though.

Chin up!
   

[Daisy123]

Thanks for sharing. We, too, saw her room as a mountain of depression and thought she’d have enough challenges coming out of rehab, trying to remain sober while coming to terms with her diagnosis. DD 19 was just diagnosed in early November. My chin is up and my broomstick ready. Time to do 3 things... .accept the gravity of this diagnosis, remind myself that we are here to help her and clean out her room. Well there’s a fourth, learn to take better care of myself... .
Thanks for listening to my rant. And thanks for sharing your experience.

[wendydarling]

Hi there Daisy123 

Oh my heart goes out to you   You've every right to feel resentful and mad, mad, mad. And feeling scared she may start using, scared she may quit PHP, scared what's next, all those what if's. The next step.

Your DD voluntarily went to rehab and got from it what she's taken, what she was able to take. You've organised one of the best PHP in the city - DBT, mood, eating disorders, you are doing your very best Daisy123. What are her complaints about the PHP? Does she see a difference between going as far as rehab is ok and then no further. For some it's scary - replacing trusted disordered coping mechanisms with healthy ways to cope, the thought of all that hard work and determination required and failing, letting you down? It's so hard to understand what's going on isn't it, we look at the positive opportunity of treatment, whereas some start from the point of fear, negativity and avoidance... .

We are all here for you Daisy123 and listening.

WDx


 

[Rockieplace]

Hi there Daisy123.

So sorry for what you are going through and wholeheartedly agree with WendyDarling and Lady Itone.  We too have spent many a miserable day clearing out our D35's flat after her admission to one hospital or another over the last 4 years.  I was grateful though that it was her place and not ours I was cleaning up.

She is now in a residential BPD hospital and has been there for nearly 18 months without any real signs of improvement.  She just had a two day 18 hour 32 minute visit (although it felt longer) where she managed to leave a trail of debris behind her - chocolate wrappers, drinks, blocked up shower etc etc.  After just clearing up I am trying to use my grateful mantras.  Grateful that it's only chocolate wrappers, grateful she's at least having a  shower.  It's so depressing and actually very tiring too.   I worry too that being in the hospital where everything is done for her, she is not learning any life skills that will prepare her for the outside world.

Have you been able to set boundaries for her return home?   I have a few non-negotiables which make it possible for me to carry on in a caring, supportive way without enabling her too much.   I am now thinking carefully about setting one or two more for her next visit to prevent me feeling quite so resentful.  I am thinking that she should prepare a meal or clear up or something, rather than sitting on the sofa staring at her phone or sleeping the whole time while we all run around her.

You sound as if you have done everything you can to help your daughter so far and now it really is down to her.

Lots of hugs!