Divorce any one suprised in a good way?

[reluctanthubs]

Hey all,  anyone out there tear themselves up inside about wanting to leave for years and then when you finally do it or start the process the PWBPD just cooperates or is at least decent?

Every time my dBPDw starts in a negative cycle I get so depressed and angry and just want to bail.  When I start thinking about it though about bringing it up every bone in my body just says stay because being unhappy and unfulfilled is better than the alternative.  We are broke(because of her) and we have 3 kids. She told me about an affair that she had early in our marriage(about year 2) about 9 months before our 10 year anniversary. 

The whole marriage(less so over the last few years this is because of my councelling) I was emotionally abused and all of our problems were because of me.  We are now in our 18th year of Marriage and I cannot think of one period where I was honestly happy for a decent period.  Definately not since D-day, I have not been able to get the affair out of my mind.  I have stayed because I fear what she will do to me financially and how bad she will alienate me from my children. Her mother was the absolute devil in her divorce and I am already painted in a bad light in her support circle.

Im just looking for some hope that if I just cant take it anymore that there is a ray of light that she will just be decent and try to work out a deal without making me utterly financially destroyed and still have access to my children.   

[Nope]

Financially, if you are broke then what do you still have to lose?

Have you read the book "Splitting" yet? From what I've heard it will give you a realistic outlook on your options.

Many people here over the years have been alienated from children and left in poor financial circumstances after a high conflict divorce. It might be an interesting question to pose to them if they regret doing it. I would imagine some do regret it in the short term, coming home every day to a peaceful home is probably priceless.

[livednlearned]

Oof. To endure abuse and then discover an affair. That's rough, reluctanthubs. I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. Being on the brink of financial ruin is not easy, either.

Does she work?

Hey all,  anyone out there tear themselves up inside about wanting to leave for years and then when you finally do it or start the process the PWBPD just cooperates or is at least decent?

How well things go depends on a lot of specifics. For example, in my state, proof of an affair means not having to pay alimony.

Bill Eddy (author of Splitting) talks about three degrees of severity across the BPD spectrum:

*generally cooperative, not dangerous
*not cooperative, not dangerous
*not cooperative, dangerous

The last one includes false allegations, substance abuse, DV.

Eddy also makes the distinction that not all people with BPD are high-conflict people (HCP). But all HCPs have a personality disorder. Someone who is HCP has a target of abuse (you), recruits negative advocates, is a persuasive blamer, and has a PD.

If your wife is HCP, then chances are the divorce will be high-conflict.

How old are the kids? What is there relationship like with their mom, and with you?

It's a good idea to consult with a few lawyers if you can. Typically, this will run somewhere between $100 to $500 for an hour, depending on where you live.

Once you know how things work where you live, it will give you a better idea of how to position yourself for the best outcome.

Whatever you decide to do, start documenting. Like keeping a journal, or a calendar of how much time you spend with the kids, what you do for them, any egregious signs of abuse, etc.

As for the financial part. If she is ruining you financially right now, divorce can sometimes be the gift that gives. Yes, you will have a financial ground zero, but if you are a saver, post-divorce can actually stabilize your finances.

It's also a good idea to start learning communication and relationship skills to offset any pathogenic parenting (parental alienation) that will invariably follow.

[reluctanthubs]

Oof. To endure abuse and then discover an affair. That's rough, reluctanthubs. I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. Being on the brink of financial ruin is not easy, either.

Does she work?

How well things go depends on a lot of specifics. For example, in my state, proof of an affair means not having to pay alimony.

Bill Eddy (author of Splitting) talks about three degrees of severity across the BPD spectrum:

*generally cooperative, not dangerous
*not cooperative, not dangerous
*not cooperative, dangerous

The last one includes false allegations, substance abuse, DV.

Eddy also makes the distinction that not all people with BPD are high-conflict people (HCP). But all HCPs have a personality disorder. Someone who is HCP has a target of abuse (you), recruits negative advocates, is a persuasive blamer, and has a PD.

If your wife is HCP, then chances are the divorce will be high-conflict.

How old are the kids? What is there relationship like with their mom, and with you?

It's a good idea to consult with a few lawyers if you can. Typically, this will run somewhere between $100 to $500 for an hour, depending on where you live.

Once you know how things work where you live, it will give you a better idea of how to position yourself for the best outcome.

Whatever you decide to do, start documenting. Like keeping a journal, or a calendar of how much time you spend with the kids, what you do for them, any egregious signs of abuse, etc.

As for the financial part. If she is ruining you financially right now, divorce can sometimes be the gift that gives. Yes, you will have a financial ground zero, but if you are a saver, post-divorce can actually stabilize your finances.

It's also a good idea to start learning communication and relationship skills to o. ffset any pathogenic parenting (parental alienation) that will invariably follow.

I wouldn't say we are on the brink of financial collapse.  We pay our bills on time, but not much else, no savings, no investments.  She has worked in the past and is currently trying to get a few jobs. We homeschool and that is a serious sticker for us.  She is trying to get two types of jobs a nursing job and an administrative job at a school.  The nursing job pays more but causes chaos with the wifes schedule.  She does not do well when she is tired which means everything else except her work will suffer.  The admin job pays less but the schedule is easier for her to manage but she will be gone most of the day.  We can swing the homeshcool in that senario becuse our daughter is 16  and the boys are 11/9.  I would prefer the admin job just because it is more consistant. 

If she ever thought that I could use the affair against her she would deny it all day long.  Plus I dont really have any proof other than her word and that would disappear once she knew I could use it against her.  It was also over 16 years ago so I dont think it holds much weight.

She has enough half truths about me to absolutely destroy my character in court.  the best I would be able to get and I'm being generous here is probably 50/50 custody and thats if she dosent move far out of town.  She will already get half of my military retirement and likely a fair bit of alimony you know because "she dutifully served me and my military career while sacrificing her own desires"  that whole lode of crap. 

And I cant even come up with $100-500 to get a consultation.

[BeagleGirl]

Does your employer offer EAP (Employee Assistance Program)?  Mine does and I was surprised to find that part of that program was referral to a lawyer that offered free consultation and a discounted rate.

Is the homeschooling her responsibility or joint between the two of you?  How is she doing with it?  What is the plan for how she could have a job and homeschool your sons, or do you intend to put them in traditional school when they hit middle/high school age?

My dBPDstbxh was "homeschooling" our older son.  I knew he was not doing it well and tried to course correct numerous times, while trusting that being enrolled in an online HS would make up for dBPDstbxh's shortcomings.  I knew that dBPDstbxh was not home most of the hours that he was supposed to be schooling our son, but I didn't know (or refused to believe) that he was so uninvolved that he didn't even know how many courses our son had left to complete to graduate.  The day that he finally confessed this and that our son would not qualify for graduation (son had gotten a 33 on the ACT and been accepted with full tuition scholarship to an engineering school, PENDING HS GRADUATION) was the beginning of the end of our marriage. 

That said, the separation/divorce process for me went more smoothly than I feared.  dBPDstbxh did a lot to stall the process and present himself as the victim and get as much from me as he could, but he has been relatively decent.  Sure, he went on a nationally syndicated radio show/podcast and gave his first name and the town we live in before airing our dirty laundry, but compared to some of the things others have endured, that was mild.

The big surprised for me was a month ago when dBPDstbxh changed his tune from "I'm going to do everything I can to save this marriage" (that's what he sang to my family, our church, and all our friends while doing absolutely nothing to actually show me that he wanted to be married) to "I've done everything I can to save this marriage, so can you please hurry up with the divorce?".  I suspect that he's found someone else or at least has visions of how much better his life will be now that he has half of our (substantial and all acquired/saved by me) assets and can spend them without any semblance of accountability to me.

If you do decide to go down this road, you can do some research into current thinking about divorce in your country/state.  I found that courts are less inclined to award lifelong alimony when the supported spouse is capable of supporting themselves.  Cases where the supporting spouse presents a plan that accommodates career training and time for the supported spouse to begin earning a reasonable income are more common.  Custody and child support can also be more balanced, especially when the father is strenuous in requesting 50/50 or even majority custody from the beginning.  The biggest issue I can foresee is the homeschooling.  If the decision to home school is a joint decision and your wife could reasonably claim that is her "employment", it might be a bit more difficult to set the expectation that she seek and maintain employment.  That's definitely something I'd discuss with an experienced lawyer.

I wish you the best.
BG

[livednlearned]

She has enough half truths about me to absolutely destroy my character in court.  the best I would be able to get and I'm being generous here is probably 50/50 custody and thats if she dosent move far out of town. 

One thing I learned through all this is to not negotiate with myself.

You have some information, there is more to gather. Then you can start looking at goals, strategies, tactics.

Right now, it's hard to think objectively and problem solve, especially if you are depressed, which can have a distorting effect (e.g. feeling that things are hopeless).

You might be right that things will be tough. They might be less tough than what things are like now.

It's good to gather information so you can work with hard facts.

For example, a lawyer might say wait until she gets a job before filing for divorce. Or, an L might allay fears about her taking the kids to another state. Some states have 9 or 10 criteria that have to be accounted for before a parent can relocate the kids. Every state is different, so it's good to find out how it works where you live.

What do you think of Beagle's suggestion about EAP and a free referral?
 

[ForeverDad]

These days alimony is perceived by the courts more as a transitional time from married life to post-marriage life.  The concept of lifelong alimony after long marriages lingers on only in a few states, though investigate and verify your state's process.  Generally alimony is only for, at most, half the length of the marriage and can even be much less.  So probably best for you to cast alimony as you go through the divorce process as a transition period to assist Ex in establishing her own home and finding work, not a reward or compensation for a long marriage.  Note, "home" does not mean castle or mansion, it can be as simple as an affordable place to live.

Sometimes you may have to support her getting certified or educated for a career, such as a year or two of tuition, priced at the local or community expense level, not Ivy League College sky-high levels.  In any deals, make sure you know what the maximum costs are, set price limits to the local inexpensive comparables.  There was one dad here many years ago who agreed to pay school expenses, figuring they would be only a few hundred dollars per year.  Ex then immediately enrolled their child in a private school and he got stuck with high tuition costs and the court just looked at him and essentially ruled, "You agreed she would handle school decisions and that you would pay the costs, you're stuck."

I was married 15 years when separated and 18 years before the final decree.  I hoped the calcs would be based on 15 but for some reason they used 18.  However, the lawyers used 2 months for every year, so alimony lasted 3 years.  Just about right for transition from married to post married life.  (After a decade she still hates me but that's no surprise.  Two more years before our child becomes an adult and all strings will have aged out.)