She just pushed it aside long enough to fool me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I feel as though the person my STBx seemed to turn into was always there. She just pushed it aside long enough to fool me into thinking this other nice, reasonable, giving, caring, interested person was the one whom I was signing on to be with.

She fooled me, my therapist, my old divorce atty., my family, etc. She did a very convincing job fabricating that false persona.

I accept it now as who she is, and I accept my role in this mess. However, I still do not like it.

J

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[Jeffree]

I feel as though the person my STBx seemed to turn into was always there. She just pushed it aside long enough to fool me into thinking this other nice, reasonable, giving, caring, interested person was the one whom I was signing on to be with.

She fooled me, my therapist, my old divorce atty., my family, etc. She did a very convincing job fabricating that false persona.

I accept it now as who she is, and I accept my role in this mess. However, I still do not like it.

J

Mod note: Split from https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321509.0

[JNChell]

I feel you, Jeffree. I don’t like it either. Indifference sounds like a dream vacation at this point.

[Mustbeabetterway]

I accept the facts of my relationship with my UBPDH, too.  I’m not happy about it either.  In fact, I am rather angry about it.  I’m slow to become angry and fast to shift into another space on the drama triangle like rescuing.  So I am trying to work through it and not just push right past it.

My plan is to stay out of the triangle where the only choices are  victim, rescuer or persecutor.  Accepting the reality of my situation (AKA radical acceptance) and taking action appropriate to the facts is where I am now.


There is growth in these discussions.  Thanks for posting.

Mustbe

 

[Jeffree]

You'll get there. It is dreamy.

Just saw the STBx last night for SD22 birthday dinner.

What a beautiful disaster she is as a human being.

I just kept thanking my lucky stars that I don't have to manage all the egos amongst STBx, SD22 and SS19 and all that drama on a daily basis anymore.

One of the keys that got me there was "accepting" that she actually doesn't care about what I have to say/offer. It's always all about her, her ideas about what I am doing wrong/need to do better, etc.

I used to think a conversation involved two people compromising... .not with her.  

Now I just nod and agree until her diatribe is over. Then I go about my day with her words passing from one ear and out the other.

J

[tiki]

It makes me sick to think how I have to go through life without false persona. I loved false persona. I used to tell him I was a fan of his. And I’m not like that with anyone. I love his personality and humor. Sometimes I even think life without that sucks. Is that because he made himself perfect for me? I don’t even want the special care or regard anymore. I just need to hear his perceptions and humor. It took me 8 years to figure it out.

I wish I could have stopped him from wanting more.  But I really think he lost everyone else in his life and so it fell to me and I ended up being that #1 person to him.

[Mutt]

Hi Jeffree,

I haven’t talked to my ex on the phone for 5 years. I track everything by email in case I have to go to court in the future, they don’t like he said she said so everything she says is there in black and white.

Your thread made me think about how my gf viewed her before she read a few of my emails. She’s a teacher at the daycare our kids go to she was my youngest teacher and we started seeing other after she had him in her room. She’s smart, educated, she doesnt know psychology, I only know the basics but she sees the jealousy that my ex has and she left me and has been in a r/s with the other guy ever since. They had a baby together too!

She knows that jealousy stems from anger, she knows that she’s still attached to me, she hates my ex but not once have I mentioned PD, BPD my gf says she’s crazy she needs the help of a P. My point is the false persona doesn’t fool everyone, they may not know what the truth is behind the mask but there are some things that fall through the cracks. I’m sure that people in your life or hers knows that there’s something wrong with her.

I try not to talk too much about my ex, it upsets my ex but I just want peace in my life probably like you do. Life goes on for us regardless of how stuck our exes are enjoy the quietness.