I will not reward threats, guilt trips, or punishments.

[DearHusband]

Boundary: I will not reward threats, guilt trips, or punishments.

[Skip]

Good idea. What do you reward? It's important to work both sides.

What's going on?

[DearHusband]

Every night for nearly two weeks, I have come home to find that my wife has gotten there before me and locked herself in the bedroom. I have been the sole caregiver to our kids during this time. I have gotten several texts about how I need to stop playing games. I think that means I need to start begging her to come out rather than just continue to make the situation work.

Her side of things.
1. She was taking care of everything that she felt was important and I wasn't. She is a Tiger mom.
2. I was on my computer a lot when I was home (and that's a trigger for her as I might be cheating)
3. I was not riding the kids to do the things she thinks they should be doing and I was allowing them to spend too much time on computers.

My side.
1. I was taking care of things that I felt were important and got turned down when I asked what I could help her with because it would be, "Too hard to explain." Her ideal situation is that I would know everything that would need to be done and do it without her having to talk to me.  Also, her job let her leave at 2pm and mine would not.
2. She was on her computer just as much as I was but I was on mine at times when she wasn't, so I was visible to her.
3. I am not going to hover over the kids and sometimes they will be doing things that are not homework as a result, but they are both getting straight A's so I'm not stressed.

DH

[DearHusband]

Also, she's upset that the kids don't seem to need her and everyone seems happier and less stressed on the surveillance cam, although they are not doing everything she wants them to do. Oh, and I didn't expressly invite her to have dinner with the family, and doing so after she mentioned it made the gesture pointless. I have explained that we do need her, but it's up to her to decide if she wants to be part of the family.

[DearHusband]

What do you reward? It's important to work both sides.

Feeling quite disorganized as it has taken me thress posts to address the first question. 

I totally agree that it's important to work on both sides, and when I think about it, I haven't done enough of that. She's done zero, but that doesn't make it all right for me not to.

I have made a concerted effort to reward her when she actually does discuss things with me, but I could do a lot more.