I am not immune. My heart can still feel something for him it seems.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi everyone,

I have literally just received an email.  The first email I have received in over a year.  Ironic that I was logged on here when I found it?  Maybe serendipitous.

Before I share this with you, which is the solitary action I will take following receipt of this, I want to explore the effect it has had on me.  

For what it's worth, I find that I have come far in my healing.  I feel safe - right in this moment at least - despite some PTSD symptoms which linger that I am working through in therapy.  I feel calm after reading it.  This hasn't caused me to want to respond or triggered a huge emotional reaction inside myself.  I'm happy about that.  

What is interesting to me is that the WORDS still tugged at something within me.  I know that they are designed to.  Regardless of the logic I've applied to handling the memories of the things he would say, I am still impacted by the words to some degree, at least initially.  He has used a specific sentence which stood out to me the first time it was spoken, because we actually had a conversation about it at the time, filled with laughter and fun.  It has memories attached.  He has used it one other time in his only text when he reached out about a month after I went NC.  It's like he is dropping an anchor, which will mean something to anyone with an understanding of NLP.  Soo, either very clever on his part or something he genuinely felt something about.  I'll highlight the sentence.  

The other thing that is interesting is how my heart felt when I saw his name.  It was fleeting, but it still was.  It just for a moment leapt out of my chest.  I'd expected distaste if his name ever appeared in this way in my inbox.  I had loved this man deeply and allowed myself to indulge in the fantasy fully.  Something I'd never done before.  I'll admit, that fear was then top of my feelings when I read the title, and as I began to read the content of the message, however that quickly passed when I saw it for what it was.  

Right now, I don't know how I feel overall about receiving this.  I am not sure I'm ready to think into it too much either.  I'll talk to my counsellor next week and see what comes out.  But I wanted to share it with my family.  I wanted you all to know that a level of indifference is achievable and a time will come when you are able to not only see but open and read an email without it sending you into emotional turmoil.  

Genuinely I feel OK.  In fact, in some ways I feel lighter for the simple fact he is clearly safe.  I've been carrying some guilt which didn't belong to me around our last face to face interaction some months ago.  We had crossed paths in a local library and I know that my response to him will have hurt him deeply.  I had been having brief thoughts about whether that might have been enough to send him over the edge.  Literally on Monday I spoke to my counsellor about this, to say that I hoped he wasn't dead or I might feel in some way responsible.  I no longer felt that way after our session.  I feel 100% free of that unhealthy thought ever reoccurring now that I know he is categorically not dead.  Thank you dxBPDbf.  

Love and light x

Email title:  Please don't be scared

There is so much I owe sorry to you for.  I wish I had all the words to say ! But I don't.  I didn't even realise half the things I did n said til long after you left my life.  Even though you were briefly in it you meant more to me than any person before and most certainly after !  You know I have only just found my feet and kinda my sanity again ! Please don't worry about this email it's not an attempt to reconnect to you and I most certainly would never try and speak to you in life again you are too nice a person for that ! I still stand by what I said to you walking down your road when I said if the world had more people in it with your view and out look in life well it would be a happier safer world and just so you know I still don't forget the day you touched me and ignited my soul it still burns for you and always will n that's the purpose of this msg.  Out of all things good and bad I said to you I stand by this that I meant from my heart ! That day you touched me you owned my soul from that moment n I fell for you fast and it's NVR left me.  No matter how much I will always try n forget you and who you are the fact is you will always be inside my heart ! Don't worry and panic you won't hear from me again but I just had to say this to you        

[Mutt]

I think that you need more time behind you I noticed that he’s idealizing you in the email the pendulum swings both ways how long can he keep it together until the other side shows? You have to think about that too - the times that he had you split black.

These r/s are emotionally intense some of us poured our dreams into it and it’s difficult to get over that. There are periods in your healing where it’s one step forward and two steps back and certain things can make you feel like your backsliding. Sharing it here is a good idea to get recentered and you have an upcoming T appointment which will help greatly.

[JNChell]

Thanks for sharing this, HQ. That must’ve been quite a thing to find in your inbox. I hope that you’re truly ok upon receiving it. I hope that this isn’t out of line or hurtful, but I have to say that he spoke only of himself in that message. He didn’t ask how you were. Just my $.02.

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks for your responses guys.  Mutt, yes you're absolutely right.  There is still a ways to go for me, more on my own stuff than anything connected directly to him or the r/s really.  This all stems back a long way for me and it's that which I'm unpicking now.  

I have no intention of ever interacting with him again, however if our paths do cross again I will be in a much better place again than I was last time (although I wouldn't handle things differently given the chance) and certainly won't be holding onto any residual guilt in the future.  I know if I'd had this two months in though I'd have found it incredibly hard.  It's good to see that I've progressed a lot since then.  I think we don't give ourselves credit sometimes and I feel for everyone here who is still in that very difficult place.  

JNChell, I have to say that's a really astute observation!  Thanks for pointing this out.  You're right.  That says a lot doesn't it?  Sometimes it's what ISN'T said that is most telling.

Love and light x

[once removed]

when a relationship ends badly, it tends to plague one or both parties. a lot of guilt and words unspoken get carried around. sometimes we want to repair the damage we did. sometimes we just want to know that the person thinks okay of us, to soothe ourselves. sometimes we just want to end things on a better note, rewrite the ending.

this strikes me as that kind of email - his own attempt at closure.

what do you intend to do with it?

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks OR.  Absolutely nothing.  I decided to share it with you guys and figured it's a good opportunity to look at where I'm at.  Which I've concluded is light years from where I was when I arrived here.  

I find myself now looking at the email with the detached perspective of being unconcerned about what his motives are.  They don't affect me.  I'm pretty sure it is an attempt to do the exact opposite of what he claims, based on my knowledge of him, but I'm good with that.  

My plan is to let the fact he sent an email wash over me and if something comes up in the next few days before I see my counsellor I will post about it here.  Right now I feel somewhat numb in a very comfortable way.  I'm protecting myself.  Almost like I have a force field around myself keeping out unwanted external events or impacts upon my harmonious state.  You could call it a boundary.  Now that has made me smile.  And I thought I was naturally fairly rubbish at those, but seems I'm getting better!

Love and light x

[tlc232]

HQ ---  thank you for sharing... .it is not only helpful to you (I hope!), but also to someone like me who is still not sure where I am in the process.    Can I ask how long the relationship was, and I see you said it had been about a year since you had talked before receiving this email.   

The title of his email literally made me cry tonight because some of the hardest part is realizing that the person who should make you feel the safest is likely trying to make life very uncomfortable and uneasy, and I cannot understand or accept it.   I was curious whether the fact that he said (after a year) "please don't be scared" as the title had any impact on how you felt. 

I have the same guilt issues too... .it helps to know that others think the same way.   I know people say that it is not our guilt to bear (my T and support), but I'm still tired of worrying about actions that can't be controlled.   I do understand why this letter helped in this manner.    We never will get true closure, but this at least perhaps makes you feel a little closer to knowing something more to let your mind rest... .   

[enlighten me]

Hi HQ

The one thing that really stood out for me was the amount of ! used. My exgf would punctuate her messages with loads of them as well as if shouting everything at me.

Glad to see it hasn't knocked you back too much.

[randomuser94]

As JNChell pointed out, that e-mail has nothing to do with your feelings. That's just a sign that nothing changed. He gave you the usual "My heart will always love you but you will never have it"-just a reason to keep you hanging to them

Edit: funny how i was writting this reply and I received a msg from my exBPD with "I hope you are ok".

[PianoDood]

HQ.  Even after 2 months since my uBPD wife's discard, I have intense feelings.  And it's no surprise to hear that even after a very long period of detachment, traces/roots of those intense feelings still exists, whether good or bad.  And, if untreated, the BPD SO is likely still behaving the same way and still relying on the same coping and relating mechanisms and behavior they always have.  I'm no expert of a psychologist, but from all I've read on the disorder in the past 2 months, all indications are the BPD SO or EX doesn't change without years of therapy.  So, being moved/triggered or affected by something that you felt was a touching moment in the past with this person is normal.  Especially if they know that specific thing/set of words was/were touching or special to you.  It sounds like you understand all of this yourself already, so I'm preaching to the choir, so to speak.  Just sorry to hear you had that "moment" where old feelings and hurtful memories were brought to the surface.  I know that's tough.  I'm currently still in the initial detachment phase after 2 months, with 1 month of no contact under my belt.  But, I still have that constant ache inside of me as if there is a hole in my soul that only she can fill.  The attachment and bond of these relationships is undeniable.  I even had a passing thought of sending a fresh arrangement of flowers to her at work today as I drove past the florist I always used to send her flowers.  Of course, my logical/realistic side was immediately REVOLTED by that thought and it was quickly pushed out of my head as a triggered thought and emotion, but the fact that I would be triggered to have such a thought after all of the hurtful, damaging, devastating and personally destructive things she did during this last cycle of devaluation and discard is a very scary and eye-opening thing.  It goes to show just how deep and intertwined these toxic roots grow in us from these trauma bonded relationships.  Stay strong.  Stay good to yourself.  I hope one day I actually get to the point you are in your healing and detachment.  It seems like such a long, never-ending emotional meat grinder to me sometimes.  But, I'm remaining strong and resolute. 

My heart goes out to you.

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks everyone for your replies.  It's so comforting to share this here and know that I'm amongst friends who really understand.  If I were to mention this to anyone in my family, for example, I could predict with fairly accurate certainty what would be said to me in reply.  Which wouldn't be very constructive.  Because I don't have ill feeling towards my ex.  If I were to hold any sentiment towards him, it would be pity.  That doesn't take anything away from what he put me through though.

In some ways I am disgruntled that he would send this to me.  He knows I don't wish to hear from him and I thought that he would respect that wish in a more permanent longstanding way.  Or at least I hoped he would. 

Can I ask how long the relationship was, and I see you said it had been about a year since you had talked before receiving this email.   

The title of his email literally made me cry tonight because some of the hardest part is realizing that the person who should make you feel the safest is likely trying to make life very uncomfortable and uneasy, and I cannot understand or accept it.   I was curious whether the fact that he said (after a year) "please don't be scared" as the title had any impact on how you felt. 

I have the same guilt issues too... .it helps to know that others think the same way.   I know people say that it is not our guilt to bear (my T and support), but I'm still tired of worrying about actions that can't be controlled.   I do understand why this letter helped in this manner.    We never will get true closure, but this at least perhaps makes you feel a little closer to knowing something more to let your mind rest... .   

   

tlc, it was just shy of a year.  Although that's a relatively short r/s in the grand scheme of things, for some context I should explain that he is low functioning and off the Richter scale when it comes to his presentation.  He is diagnosed and when we were together, began to inflict severe wounds upon himself requiring stitches in the double figures to repair.  There were so many attempts on his life I lost count.  I'd been attending all his appointments with him to his psychologist and psychiatrist, ADHD specialist (he had dual diagnoses), a mental health team based at a residential facility and home visits.  We were working together on his treatment plan and I did everything in my power to support him in getting better.  The rages in the end became so bad that he became violent and that's when things went really downhill fast.  I was the one to put an end to the r/s. 

Needless to say that so much happened in our intense year together it felt like a lifetime and there has been tremendous impact on my life since ending things.  To some degree, the knock on circumstances of my having lost my child to his father (not BPD) in the process of the r/s and a year long custody battle to establish a shared care arrangement, may have helped me in my detaching.  My pain over abandoning a vulnerable man I loved despite his physical and emotional abuse of me had to be handled as a secondary concern to the well being and suitable care of my son.  Aside from that focus, I have also worked hard on myself and from the looks of it this has paid off.  In some ways I appreciate the opportunity to have a yard stick for my progress.

Thank you for your kind words.  Yes, it's very sad indeed that the person we should feel safest with is the person who can cause us to feel so very far from safe.  When I saw his name I was elated for a split second, then mostly filled with dread and fear.  Only when the contents of the email unfurled did I relax as I knew then that it was just a case of him looking to soothe himself.  It would seem he has burned a bridge, or quite possibly all of his bridges.  Which is no surprise.  So in reality, it ought not to have surprised me to receive something like this eventually.  I'm glad I don't find myself in an earlier stage where I might have been compelled to act in response to my feelings around this.  Although I don't have any urge to act, so no need to suppress anything any more, thanks to my improved knowledge of both his condition and myself.  Even so, he has managed to make his way into my world, my thoughts and for a short moment, my heart.  You are right though, in that knowing he lives and breathes does put my mind to rest.  And I suppose it was somewhat validating to hear that he realises he ought to be sorry.  If that is genuine, then I am pleased he at least acknowledges on some level that what happened was not OK by any stretch of the imagination.

The one thing that really stood out for me was the amount of ! used. My exgf would punctuate her messages with loads of them as well as if shouting everything at me.

Glad to see it hasn't knocked you back too much.

Thanks enlighten me.  I wonder if it is a childlike expression of importance in what is being said.  Sincerity maybe?

It seems like such a long, never-ending emotional meat grinder to me sometimes.  But, I'm remaining strong and resolute. 

PianoDood, I feel for you.  You're going through the worst of it right now and believe me when I say that if you can ride this storm you can conquer anything.  For all the pain and heartache the loss of the r/s creates, the more strength you will find in order to heal and move forwards.  Well done for setting a boundary on yourself over the flowers.  That must have been hard to do.  Hang in there and stay strong.  You can come out the other side a better version of yourself. 

randomuser, Thanks for sharing your thoughts.  What happened after the message?

Love and light x

[Dargumin]

Thanks for your responses guys.  Mutt, yes you're absolutely right.  There is still a ways to go for me, more on my own stuff than anything connected directly to him or the r/s really.  This all stems back a long way for me and it's that which I'm unpicking now.  

I have no intention of ever interacting with him again, however if our paths do cross again I will be in a much better place again than I was last time (although I wouldn't handle things differently given the chance) and certainly won't be holding onto any residual guilt in the future.  I know if I'd had this two months in though I'd have found it incredibly hard.  It's good to see that I've progressed a lot since then.  I think we don't give ourselves credit sometimes and I feel for everyone here who is still in that very difficult place.  

JNChell, I have to say that's a really astute observation!  Thanks for pointing this out.  You're right.  That says a lot doesn't it?  Sometimes it's what ISN'T said that is most telling.

Love and light x

If he doesn't expect you to reply due to NC then maybe he doesn't bother asking how you are because asking a question and getting no reply can be very painful.

[Mustbeabetterway]

HQ,  it is great to hear that you have progressed so far on your healing journey. As you say, “  Even so, he has managed to make his way into my world, my thoughts and for a short moment, my heart. “.  After all of this time of no contact,, still there is a pull and a push.  He says you will always be in his heart, etc.  but, he will not contact you again.  It is interesting how strong his feelings are in both directions.  Also, he has managed to disregard your wish for him not to contact you.

My husband and I are separated and I am feeling very free, and more relaxed than I have in ages.  However, I know he is a vulnerable person as you said about your ex.  I worry about him, and also feel guilty that I am terminating the relationship, which is crazy because he is the one that literally pushed me out of the house.     When he contacts me, it tugs at my heart.  But, he is not getting help and the pattern of push/pull (putting it mildly) would continue.  So I am trying to stay positive and in our conversations and limit contact as we prepare to sell our home.

I do understand how you were traumatized by the events during your relationship, yet still not hold ill will toward him.  I can truly empathize with you.  

Keep up the healing work.  Thanks for sharing.  

[tiki]

I feel like I would at first be happy (split second) then weary, then angry. I would later have to fight against saying something like yeah, you know, likewise you really lit my ptsd on fire. It’s hard for me not to say something angry in response to this which I guess isn’t constructive. I will say “you will never have my heart” made me read twice. Also the please don’t be scared was scary in contrast to the nice things he wrote. It does feel like a boundary violation.

[tiki]

Also I wonder sometimes if it wouldn’t be more helpful in some circumstances for people to mentally swap out my ex for my abuser. My ex said I light his souls on fire has different meaning than my abuser said I light his soul on fire.

But for the record I look up to you and would never offer advice. You’ve got this.

[Harley Quinn]

If he doesn't expect you to reply due to NC then maybe he doesn't bother asking how you are because asking a question and getting no reply can be very painful.

Dargumin, you've touched on something here.  I am of the inclination to expect the worst from him after what I've experienced in the r/s, whereby his actions tend to be driven by self serving motives, however it remains true that his emotions are very difficult for him to handle.  You may have a valid point here. 

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

It does feel like a boundary violation.

I agree tiki.  It is a direct violation of my firm boundary around contacting me.  I just hope that he at least honours his statement about not contacting me after this.  Not because it now affects me as it might have once, but now simply out of a need within me to have my wishes respected.  After so long not giving my own needs a second thought I find myself having strong expectations now of receiving the same consideration from others that I extend to them.

Thanks for your input.

Love and light x 

[Radcliff]

HQ,

Thank you for sharing.  I and I think many others appreciated hearing how it's possible to not be knocked as far off track by communications as we may have been earlier.

It is what it is.  People have the capability that they have.  The first part of the message contains some accountability, which you can take in if it helps you.  He says some nice things about the world being a better place for having you in it (we all know that!) which is a fair point.  The latter half of the message lapses into things that are likely of no help to you.  Oh well.  I admire your balanced and centered approach.

WW

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks WW,

It's strange you know.  I find I am taking a very measured and almost business like rational approach at viewing this, after all the work I've done and the learning both here and in particular my domestic abuse recovery programme, which altered my view of him and his behaviour considerably.  I had spent so long minimising and attributing his violent behaviour to his BPD and after spending 12 weeks in the company of others who had been through so many similar behaviours from their abusers I became much clearer on the fact that aside from his illness, he is not a safe man to be around or involved with in any way. 

Short of him attending a rehabilitation programme and having recovered from BPD after successfully completing a full treatment pathway, there is never going to be a time that I would welcome hearing from him.  Whats more, he is fully aware of this.  So although I'm not angered by his contact against my wishes, I do feel saddened that he is clearly in that place of purely self serving behaviour.  Which only reinforces how right my decision was to get out of there and move on.  In many ways, physical abuse saved me from years of misery and heartache because before this began I was already reduced to a shadow of my former self from the emotional trauma of what I was encountering.  It was so intense that it felt like a lifetime compressed into a year.  How blessed I feel to breathe easily now.

I appreciate your support.

Love and light x   

[Radcliff]

HQ

Two things about what you just said resonated with me:

-- Being thankful for a missive from the abuser, even if unwelcome, because it gives an indication of where they are and supports our decision that the safe place to be is away from them.

-- Thinking that in a way, the physical abuse was a gift, because it motivated and enabled an exit from the psychological abuse, which has been more damaging.

Those two things apply to my situation as well.

You mention that you would never want to talk to him unless he completed a successful recovery program.  So what if he did?  That is the part I'm struggling with.  My wife just may, after a year or two, complete a successful recovery program.  But I'm just not sure if I would ever feel ready to be with her, if I could ever feel able to love her again or trust her to love me.  Can I ask your thoughts along those lines?

WW

[Harley Quinn]

This is a difficult one to answer, as our situations are different.  In all honesty I can't see myself being trusting enough of him again to want to re engage in any romantic way.  Also, I can imagine that being around him again would dredge up all of the memories of the painful things he said and did, which caused damage that I'm not sure we could ever get past.  He cut himself in front of me to get what he wanted and threatened suicide to manipulate and control me.  This man tried to throw me down the stairs, choked me and threatened to stab me if I entered my home.  I had my property stolen and destroyed.  I was isolated from friends, family and hounded into giving up what little self care activities I had away from the home.  He kept tabs on me, made vile accusations and emotionally blackmailed me to the point that my son was taken from my home as a result of my FOG.  As you know yourself, this is not just socks on the floor to get over. 

Put it this way, if the scenario ever did actually pan out where he'd completed treatment and done a rehab programme, I am fairly confident in saying that by that distant point in time, I'd be in a very different place to the one I was when we first met.  It's theoretical but I'd guess fairly confidently that I'd not have any attraction to him any more by then.

My best advice to you is to put this out of your mind and allow your life to unfold to your own design.  If and when that time comes, then you can consider whether that is something you feel is achievable.  What I say above is speculation.  Things could in theory be entirely different in reality.  Who knows, in ten years time a stranger may knock on my door and be a whole new version of the man I knew.  I've literally no idea how I might react to that. 

Love and light x

[JNChell]

HQ, bless you. I’m so sorry that you went through that. Thanks for being here and for sharing your story. I wish I had some insight. I don’t. Only support and tears. Thanks for being strong for the rest of us.

[Harley Quinn]

I believe I am strong WITH you all.  Here I have seen some of the strongest people this world has to offer.  I'd like to think I might play a small part in helping some to recognise that about themselves.  Just being in a BPD r/s and trying to make it work takes great strength of character, love and compassion.  Recovering from one is a whole new level of pain, confusion and anguish.  Watching people each day face the suffering head on and begin to heal is inspiring.  We all hold one another up as a real family should.

Love and light x

[tlc232]

   

So well said --- you don't even know the help you give to so many others.    Praying for better days and understanding for all! 

[Radcliff]

HQ, thank you, even though I now realize my question was ill posed, you did a great job answering it.

I should have been clearer in asking you to speak to your experiences -- I realize asking you for advice on my own situation is an impossible question for someone else to field!

I suppose there was a hidden question in there, or a hidden dependency.  Had you said something like "Oh sure, if he was all fixed in a year, I might go on a date with him and see how things looked," I might have started to question my own feelings.  And yes, I know I shouldn't do that, I'm still building confidence in my ability to act on my feelings and climb out of the FOG.  I wasn't sure how much to read into your comment that you wouldn't interact with him when he hadn't completed a rehab program.  Your answer makes total sense to me, and lines up with the way I'm feeling about my situation.

If my wife continues to not make progress in accountability, I won't have a problem leaving her.  If she does, it gets harder on me.  She's only 4 months into a 1-2 year program.  So sometimes I start to get FOGgy feeling like I should wait and give her a chance.  The thing is that the chances of success are slim, and perhaps more importantly my heart is not in it.  I'm starting to understand better how I see truly being in love with someone, and I am not feeling that for her, nor does it feel likely that that would be possible with her even if she did attain full accountability and get her relationship skills squared away.  I am dumbstruck and heartbroken that she could have done the things she did to someone who should have been safe with her.  On the other hand, my logical mind keeps saying, "What if she was totally fixed, couldn't we build something on top of that, and keep the family together?" but I'm realizing that I just don't feel good about that, and late in life, I'm realizing that in love, if in nothing else, we should pay attention to our feelings!  (I am a slow learner  )

WW