Being used as an option

[Gunit1]

Only thing I can't find and can search forever. Anyone else had or read about if these cluster b types just use affair partners as options or least make them believe might be future that will never be? Was more my case. Just haven't seen anyone else have the same.

[CryWolf]

Hey Gunit, not all BPD use people and not all BPD are the same. I understand youre hurting, and emotions are raw. It can get easy to find truth in any answer, whether it being wrong or right. Youre feelings are solely yours, as is your situation.  It would be wrong to fit everyones situation together as putting every cluster b person together.

A question for you, is hearing "all BPD use their partners as options" something that would give some answer or closure to your situation?

[Gunit1]

Hey Gunit, not all BPD use people and not all BPD are the same. I understand youre hurting, and emotions are raw. It can get easy to find truth in any answer, whether it being wrong or right. Youre feelings are solely yours, as is your situation.  It would be wrong to fit everyones situation together as putting every cluster b person together.

A question for you, is hearing "all BPD use their partners as options" something that would give some answer or closure to your situation?

Not at all meaning they all do but guess get some understanding, seeing if anyone else had the same or seen story the same.

[CryWolf]

I hear stories all the time of people using someone to get over someone else, dont want to be lonely, people cheating, lying for attention, etc, but these dont mean just people with BPD/cluster b. I have a good friend who him and his ex love each other, but they both had a problem cheating on each other. and they both cheated on each other for years, yet they loved each other so much they had to end the relationship.

[Cromwell]

Only thing I can't find and can search forever. Anyone else had or read about if these cluster b types just use affair partners as options or least make them believe might be future that will never be? Was more my case. Just haven't seen anyone else have the same.

Yes it is a type of tactic called "future proofing".

I didnt get much of this personally, but thats more for the reason I think she didnt feel the need to go to those lengths as I was already emotionally invested in. but I have experience of Narcissists who will say anything that will make you believe that good things will happen in the future, so long as you go along with whatever they want at the present time. Of course, when nothing ever materialises you either get discarded after being used, find out it was all make-believe and discard them or if they still happen to need you, they can always say "well, the intention was there but it didnt happen because of excuses x,y or z"

followed again usually by some new future proofing.

[Gunit1]

I hear stories all the time of people using someone to get over someone else, dont want to be lonely, people cheating, lying for attention, etc, but these dont mean just people with BPD/cluster b. I have a good friend who him and his ex love each other, but they both had a problem cheating on each other. and they both cheated on each other for years, yet they loved each other so much they had to end the relationship.

For mine and just didn't opinion but once your cheating and continue to cheat on a partner you apparently love, u don't love them anymore. No respect or love for someone your cheating on I don't care what anyone says just my belief.

[FaithfulInLove]

This sounds a lot like my ex-fiancé who treated me like an option for 7-8 months... He broke up with me in August, said he still loved me, kept my hopes up until January although - or because? - he's seen me suffering and crying everyday... .then he suddenly told me he had a new girlfriend - after 6 months of crying and hoping.

When she broke up with him after a week, he still met up with me, spent a couple day with me, kept my hopes up for two more months... now he's suddenly back together with her and suddenly stopped talking to me as he has found replacement and I'm discarded - even as his friend - for asking for some space to get over all this.

So... .what I've experienced is that being treated as an option can happen in BPD relationships. I think in my case this is his revenge for hurting him on a day that was special to him. He's paying everything back although I never did anything to hurt him on purpose - I've learned it the hard way that little things can be such a big deal for someone sensitive like a pwBPD.

[truthbeknown]

This sounds a lot like my ex-fiancé who treated me like an option for 7-8 months... He broke up with me in August, said he still loved me, kept my hopes up until January although - or because? - he's seen me suffering and crying everyday... .then he suddenly told me he had a new girlfriend - after 6 months of crying and hoping.

When she broke up with him after a week, he still met up with me, spent a couple day with me, kept my hopes up for two more months... now he's suddenly back together with her and suddenly stopped talking to me as he has found replacement and I'm discarded - even as his friend - for asking for some space to get over all this.

So... .what I've experienced is that being treated as an option can happen in BPD relationships. I think in my case this is his revenge for hurting him on a day that was special to him. He's paying everything back although I never did anything to hurt him on purpose - I've learned it the hard way that little things can be such a big deal for someone sensitive like a pwBPD.

Sorry for your pain:

Just got off one of those roller coaster rides and I wouldn't blame yourself because someone who is emotionally healthy doesn't need to emotionally punish a partner for a mistake (whatever that was).  The reason they make a big deal about it in my experience is to gain an advantage for what they ultimately wanted to do (lie, cheat or deceive).   I think there is alot of "placeholding" cheating etc going on in society right now and it's not necessarily borderline personality because mainstream has been emulating the "culture" that displayed these behaviors (think hollywood, hiphop starts, athletes and reality tv stars).   So now juggling people seems to be the new in but there are some that really are doing this because of borderline or narcissism but i work in the traveling retail sector and get a chance to talk to lots of strangers (call it stranger therapy) and i hear alot of these stories.   Sad but all we can do is keep being ourselves and maybe someone on here can form a healthy persons date site exclusive for forum members?

[Cromwell]

I really feel what truthbeknown said is significant, for me the cheating was a big deal considering that it goes against my personal values but in the context of the r/s where I was idolised and love bombed, and then to see a complete polar behaviour aswell as hatred, came as a complete shock from nowhere.

Its not that my BPDx didnt care about cheating, she cared about being the one who "did it first", she was very paranoid about it happening to her.

Being with her started to threaten to change my own values, I started to get a jaded impression (many to deal with the upset she did it) that cheating is just becoming a normal part of modern day r/s and doesnt deserve to make an issue about.

The issue is, I would have never felt the emotional and physical intamacy that I always had with my partners, but especially intense with my BPDx if I entertained the thought of cheating on them, or them going elsewhere. I do agree with Gunit1 that despite the mirroring and how I was made to feel, I was really just manipulated at the time, as were all other people in her life prior from what I gathered. My ex was fickle and would test the waters elsewhere, if it seemed better, she would just paint black for some petty obscure reason to justify leaving.

Im sure she probably cheated more than the time I caught her early on in the r/s, its just that she was far more careful because I beat up the guy i suspected she went with. She also enjoyed being the centre of attention by triangulating and it bolstered her self esteem to have guys "fighting" over her and all the drama that it produces. Once you are hooked in, it is hard to break out of, that suited my BPDx but it was just that, a very effective hook and not more, by playing games with other people's hearts, building up a connection to ensure you stick around for them and their needs. but it is just a well played out performance.

[Calmcollected]

Hold on. Are you saying that the BPD was having an affair with you, but had a significant other all ready? You said “affair partner”. If this is the case, then yes. They do that. The adoration they receive fills up a void that is empty. In my case, my boyfriend was speaking to about 3 other women. He didn’t sleep with them, but made promises of buying a farm, raising horses and letting the women quit their job and he would take care of them. Except none of that existed. He has nothing of his own, I was the one with a successful business. Some of them got strung along for 6 months. One found out about me and asked who I was and she never heard from him again.

[Gunit1]

Hold on. Are you saying that the BPD was having an affair with you, but had a significant other all ready? You said “affair partner”. If this is the case, then yes. They do that. The adoration they receive fills up a void that is empty. In my case, my boyfriend was speaking to about 3 other women. He didn’t sleep with them, but made promises of buying a farm, raising horses and letting the women quit their job and he would take care of them. Except none of that existed. He has nothing of his own, I was the one with a successful business. Some of them got strung along for 6 months. One found out about me and asked who I was and she never heard from him again.

Yes she did have partner and sucked me in saying they were going through difficult time and she was unsure and then I was an idiot and kept believing all bs about how she loves us both and is confused but we have such strong connection (fake) and though we had some arguments she was still pretty obsessed year and half later and then days after back from trip she goes out drinks with work colleague and cheats instantly and then he became the new soulmate. He's older and higher up earns more but she earns good money herself so don't think it's for money. Maybe status thing, maybe Coz he's a father and she likes type to take care her plus being better looking then him maybe helps her think he will never leave her, always be up to her.