Self esteem, shot to pieces.

[Pencil sketch]

Just over 3 weeks no contact, although i always have the urge, I resist.
Over the past week, my confidence has taken a nose dive, and I have turned into an apologetic, clumsy wreck, I find crowds of people, very intimidating, and once, where I would engage in conversation, I now sit alone.
The paradox is, when I feel like this, I want to re-engage, get back that feeling we had, in the beginning, but it wasn't real, and she is the one, who has caused this.
I want me back, I feel so lost.

[Cromwell]

Just over 3 weeks no contact, although i always have the urge, I resist.
Over the past week, my confidence has taken a nose dive, and I have turned into an apologetic, clumsy wreck, I find crowds of people, very intimidating, and once, where I would engage in conversation, I now sit alone.
The paradox is, when I feel like this, I want to re-engage, get back that feeling we had, in the beginning, but it wasn't real, and she is the one, who has caused this.
I want me back, I feel so lost.

I went through the same, BPD can crush your self confidence and self esteem into the dirt. you will build it back up, it doesnt happen overnight. its made all the worse when you have had feelings so deep for someone and what they have done is akin to making you a hit and run victim as they cheerfully drive on in their life without a care in the world for what theyve left behind.

look at the plus points, they may not be so clear at the moment yet, you dont have to caretake anymore, dont have to put up with new chaos. 3 weeks in your body will still be adjusting to the shock of it all.

all of us want to get back that "(too?) perfect" initial time. yes it was amazing. just as taking crack is amazing and leaves you hooked at keep wanting to get back the sensation of the first time.

it was a lot harder for me to get over this relationship then any drug addiction.

your still early days for a healing programme, but it gets easier, first 3 months felt like i wasnt getting anywhere, but you are really.

maybe see about medication to help you through, it helped me intially when I had to go to work and couldnt concentrate. just to help through these most difficult early stage of detachment and reducing heightened anxiety levels until you adjust back yourself.

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks for your reply. These feelings are so alien, and have to keep reminding myself, they are completely normal.
I have alot of 'what the heck' moments, how am I here.
Keep on trucking hey

[stixx44]

PS,

Is this the longest period of NC for you?

[Foursome]

I can relate to how you feel.  Its gonna take a while to feel normal again.  Just keep going through it and feel it.  Dont try to cover it up.

At least thats what I am getting from most everyone else.

Find old pics of yourself and just look at them.  Feel that time in your life before the vampire attack.

I do that pretty often.  Seems weird but it helps.

[steppedinone]

And remember that it ends better for you... .

You suffer short term. Often they never stop suffering.

You'll get there. Find those people in your life that make you feel good. And just let it set in... .

Best of luck going forward.

[Pencil sketch]

Stixx44,  no, the longest was 4 months, funnily enough, this time last year, she disappeared, and came back, as if nothing had happened.
Very different this time, she begged me to change my number, and said, hell would freeze over before she gets in touch again, still don't think she expected me to do it.
Thanks for your advice, will drag out some old pictures, great idea.