Nothing is for me

[mssalty]

I was talking to my therapist about feeling guilty about a purchase I made and the fact that I shouldn't have made it because it was too much money and there were things that other people in the family wanted and needed and now I was going to have to figure out how to make those things work, and I normally never would have bought this thing but something made me do it.   

And he said "in other words, you did something for you."   I started crying.   Because he was right.  It was for me, and it was a moment where I gave into the feeling to do something for me and I feel like I'm going to pay for it.   

I realize I've poured so much of me out onto this relationship and little comes back to me.  I feel guilty when I take care of myself.   

[Mutt]

Hi mssalty,

There are a lot of members that are caretakers in this forum. I can relate with feeling guilty for doing something I wanted. It’s a habit that takes some work and time to change. You deserve it, taking care of yourself is good and it’s good to do it often. When you take care of yourself it makes you happier and friends and family notice and it encourages them to take care of themselves. Do nice things for yourself it’s a part of self care. Did your pwBPD say something about your purchase?

[ortac77]

Hi mssalty

I am going to say great - because you did something for you and you know what I bet you deserved it 

I used to feel really guilty when I did something just for me, its taken a lot of therapy and a lot of work on my co-dependent and care taking traits to work out that I should do things just for me, why not and if others don't like it well thats tough really - its not doing it to hurt them but to honour ourself - sounds like a good thing to me

Hugs

[AskingWhy]

mssalty, I agree that many of us on this board are caretakers of our pwBPD.  We deny ourselves things and sacrifice for that person.

I say, "Go for it.  Treat yourself and don't apologize to anyone for it.

For instance, my uBPD/uNPD H was always going overboard with gifts for his children by his first wife.  It was insane. He put $10,000 down on a new car for one daughter when she graduated from university, bought another expensive designer things (and bailed her out of jail and sent her to rehab, etc.) and bought expensive watches and tech items for his son.

For our 20th wedding anniversary, H bought me a jewellery trinket that was an insult to our marriage.  I was very hurt.  I showed him my displeasure and he became enraged, overturning a chair and threatening divorce.  H is a professional and certainly makes enough money to buy me an extra-nice token for an anniversary gift.  I am not a gold-digger, but the jewellery would have been a symbol of his feelings for me.

uNPD FIL was very cheap with his wife of 60 years and did not buy her any jewellery tokens in all those year.  uBPD H really learned from his F that wives are not to be treated special and are, in fact, objects to be used for work and to bring in extra income.  MIL worked her fingers off in a variety of low-skilled jobs so her husband could have his expensive hobbies of golf, fishing and hunting.

So I treat myself, too. 
 

[Enabler]

I was designed in such a way as to be careful of my impact on others. I hold doors open, I apologize for things I might have done and in a 50/50 potential collision I'm always the one to move aside... .there is no wake behind my boat! Is this because I'm an adult or just because I'm more outward looking than inward looking?

In my relationship I have never been able to define what is mine... .my time, my effort, my privacy, my social life, my money. Everything is ours apart from what is hers. My effort and time is delegated with gay abandonment as though I spent most of my time on the couch with no aspirations to achieve anything... .rather than someone who leaves the house at 6am and returns at 7pm Mon-Fri. On the money front, I am the rounding number.

Guilt about taking from "us" is bountiful. I earn good money yet feel immense guilt about buying a new iphone (I had a iphone 4S bought in Jan12), even buying a new pair of jeans isn't done until worn through.

This isn't a guilt that's placed on my by my uBPDw, in fact she would deny any constraint... .however, she also refuses to define what is mine and what is hers, to budget her would be to constrain her, to control her, to reduce chaos. To define what is mine and therefore enable me to be comfortable with what I can spend and not take from others requires that I define what is NOT mine... .so, we can't have both a lack of control and chaos where she feels unconstrained and the control that I require to feel safe. 

[Red5]

I was talking to my therapist about feeling guilty... .

And he said "in other words, you did something for you."  

I started crying.   Because he was right.  It was for me, and it was a moment where I gave into the feeling to do something for me and I feel like I'm going to pay for it.  

I realize I've poured so much of me out onto this relationship and little comes back to me.  I feel guilty when I take care of myself.  

Ok mssalty; you have "triggered me", so a quick war story from long ago, a life time ago now... .in my first marriage, I was severely codependent, _severely_ !, .I was deathly afraid that the marriage would end, and I would lose my children, our family, the life I felt I had worked so hard to preserve and protect from my first wife's constant promiscuous, and destructive behaviors, that went on and on and on for oh' so many heart wrenching years... .I was indeed a hopeless case, _hopeless_ !... .yes; I was lost, .with no hope, hanging on every moment, word, and deed... .trying utterly in vain to keep her, the bride of my youth, whom I thought I could NEVER live without, no matter what she'd done... .and of course the mother to my three children;... .yes, trying to keep her, .to prevent her from leaving and moving onto someone "better"... . 

So I sought out a counselor, that's what we called them back then, which was a therapist by definition, .I remember pouring out my heart to her (T)... .and after just two (clandestine/secret), .yes two visits/sessions, she abruptly asked... ."so please tell me Red5 (a very young and naïve Red5), .please tell me now; is there anything you EVER do for yourself, as you seem to take care of everybody else, but NOT yourself... .

I was dumbstruck... .wow, that hit me right in the forward looking apertures !

But she was indeed quite correct you see, .I had been completely and hopelessly enmeshed for oh' so long, and had thusly completely lost myself in this (previous) dysfunctional marriage, .yes; I was _completely_ and _totally_ codependent, .I was so afraid of the relationship/marriage completely failing, that I had lost myself in the process, .I did nothing for myself, due to being afraid that I would anger my STBXW, if I even so much as stood up for myself one "iota"... .we stayed married for twenty two years, .and guess what (!), .in the end, she did in fact leave anyways, .and she did in fact leave ALL of us, the kids (teenagers by now), me, .and even the dog and the cat... .yes, she split, .and she split from the whole "F-ing" program, she went off on her own, like the Tom Petty song "Wild-Flowers"... .one of her (STBXW's) fav albums at that time... .yup ~> g-o-n-e !

Wow!, .this is going to make me friggen cry just typing this... .see; the AFFECT after all these years is still within my heart of hearts for her... .yeah, .that stupid song STILL haunts me  

Yeah, so please mssalty... .please for all the others here, and me;... .don't feel ANY quilt , take care of yourself , buy something nice that YOU like, life is short you see, .so enjoy it as you can, .don't let others (dysfunctional) control and manipulate you into never ending unhappiness,

... .and BEWARE codependency... .

Red5

[mama-wolf]

I gave into the feeling to do something for me and I feel like I'm going to pay for it.   

I realize I've poured so much of me out onto this relationship and little comes back to me.  I feel guilty when I take care of myself.   

Hi mssalty,

I wanted to chime in on totally understanding where you are coming from.  For years, I have denied myself the most basic things, all for the sake of ensuring my uBPDw and our children have what they need/want.  uBPDw needs new work clothes so that she can make sure she's keeping up the right professional image?  Sure, even though we shouldn't be spending the money and a large part of the need was her just enjoying clothes and shopping and not wanting to feel like our finances were constrained.  Kids need a new seasonal wardrobe and three new pairs of shoes (according to uBPDw)?  Sure, even though they would do fine with half as many clothes.  Too much stress for uBPDw to be on her own with the kids while I go exercise or visit with friends/family?  OK, I'll skip that workout and won't go have a social outlet for myself.  Too stressful to get all the things done that uBPDw wants to get done (like chores and errands) and still make time to visit with friends or have them over to our house?  OK, we won't hang out with our friends as often.

Meanwhile, my clothes in the closet take up about half as much room as hers and I'd say my job has just as much need for a professional images as hers.  But I make my wardrobe work even though I'm not very satisfied with it.   My health is generally stable, but I'm nowhere near as fit as I have wanted to be for so, so long.  My social circle has gotten smaller and smaller, and I'm far less connected with my family than I ever was.

So, a few months ago I started sticking up for what I need and what I want.  I started doing more things for myself, starting with finding a therapist.  With her encouragement, I have done more self care, more connecting with my friends, more connecting with my family.  I have even bought myself a few small things here and there that I never would have before.  Before, I wouldn't even buy myself one freaking book or new album on iTunes to enjoy... .I would put it off for the sake of saving money at the same time that uBPDw would buy six other things that she needed/wanted.  Not anymore.

I know it's hard.  I still struggle with the guilt myself... .but it's important.  Keep doing things for yourself!

mw