Haunted by blue lights and sirens

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Thanks, HQ.  Sorry to be hijacking your thread!   

Your courageous post about "blue lights" struck a chord with me, perhaps because I declined to call 911 on several occasions when my BPDxW was threatening suicide.  Maybe I should have made the call, but the kids were asleep upstairs and I feared that it would be traumatic for them to wake up to "blue lights" outside.  Plus, I always thought that my Ex was crying wolf.  I tell myself that I would have made the call if I thought that she was serious about going through with it, but who knows?  The news about Kate Spade's death was a grim reminder that some carry it out.

Yes, it was incredibly stressful to go through a child abuse investigation, yet it did cause me to think hard about my wellbeing and that of the kids.

I like to think that it's been better for the kids to be out of a high conflict situation, though it's hard to say as I don't see them that much.  Time will tell.

Yes, I've addressed what went on in my marriage with two excellent therapists, who have been a tremendous help.

I doubt anyone can go through a long-term abusive marriage to a pwBPD without lingering effects so, sure, it still affects me, but not in a debilitating way.  From time to time I experience strong feelings, which I acknowledge and let pass.  I reach out to supportive family and friends when things get painful, which helps me to process my emotions.

Glad to hear you can be a more effective parent these days by providing a calm and nurturing environment.  Of course I subscribe to the concept of a calm environment for kids, which is a big reason why I had to leave.

I have more to say and could write a lot more, but at this point I think I'll just say:

To be continued . . .

Thanks to all,
LuckyJim

[Lucky Jim]

Thanks, HQ.  Sorry to be hijacking your thread!   

Your courageous post about "blue lights" struck a chord with me, perhaps because I declined to call 911 on several occasions when my BPDxW was threatening suicide.  Maybe I should have made the call, but the kids were asleep upstairs and I feared that it would be traumatic for them to wake up to "blue lights" outside.  Plus, I always thought that my Ex was crying wolf.  I tell myself that I would have made the call if I thought that she was serious about going through with it, but who knows?  The news about Kate Spade's death was a grim reminder that some carry it out.

Yes, it was incredibly stressful to go through a child abuse investigation, yet it did cause me to think hard about my wellbeing and that of the kids.

I like to think that it's been better for the kids to be out of a high conflict situation, though it's hard to say as I don't see them that much.  Time will tell.

Yes, I've addressed what went on in my marriage with two excellent therapists, who have been a tremendous help.

I doubt anyone can go through a long-term abusive marriage to a pwBPD without lingering effects so, sure, it still affects me, but not in a debilitating way.  From time to time I experience strong feelings, which I acknowledge and let pass.  I reach out to supportive family and friends when things get painful, which helps me to process my emotions.

Glad to hear you can be a more effective parent these days by providing a calm and nurturing environment.  Of course I subscribe to the concept of a calm environment for kids, which is a big reason why I had to leave.

I have more to say and could write a lot more, but at this point I think I'll just say:

To be continued . . .

Thanks to all,
LuckyJim

[Harley Quinn]

No hijack at all LJ.  I started this thread in the hopes that not only can I have a good outpour but others too.  The suicide threats are so hard.  Your post reminded me of how I lived such a surreal double life, keeping everything all tranquil and happy families when my son was home - like you, making decisions so that he was unaffected - and then all hell breaking loose when he left.  Unfortunately he did see police in my home before the end, when everything got completely out of control and the two worlds collided.

I'm glad you feel able to share.   

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

Just a quick update.  I had my third therapy session today and it was heavy going.  Am doing my best to be kind to myself now and go easy on the expectations (not something I'm great at).  I informed her that a lot of stuff is coming up the last couple of weeks and I'm feeling quite overwhelmed from the extent of the long term trauma I'm tapping into. 

She was very understanding and assured me that we're going through the hardest part right now, as we're uprooting a lot of things and then it feels like we're doing nothing with it.  She explained that we will and that it begins to get easier and all make sense as we move through the stages, so not to worry.  She did however ask if I was coming back! 

Next session is in a fortnight which is good as I have a lot of digesting to do and some early years realisations to process.  Although it's quite daunting knowing how much I must work through, I am feeling optimistic.  It's hard to not want to cut to the end at times but I know it all has a purpose.  I trust her.  That really helps.

May peace find us all tonight.

Love and light x

[babyducks]

Congratulations on your third therapy session.   What good work you are doing.   I've been through a few heavy sessions in my day.    It's always seemed funny odd how that goes.    Just when I think I am all in control and done with these pesky emotional flashbacks …. BOOM.

What do you do to be kind to yourself?   I find being outside greatly helpful.

When I first started in therapy I had a goal to be done in a year.    Thankfully that didn't last long as it wasn't very helpful.    I'll be done when I am done.    And because I am worth it, I just might linger longer than I absolutely need too.

I like what Lucky Jim said about abuse taking a toll.   It changed me in ways I certainly wasn't expecting.    What has been nice though is that I have been able to conciously rebuild, to make choices about what I wanted to add and create in my life.     I have this post it note on my wall.   It says "I am the architect of my life; I build it's foundation and choose its contents."    Which is true.   Events and others are not pushing me in a direction any longer.    I am driving things.  I am not sure what I am going to be at the end of all this but I now see it as the process of a lifetime.

'ducks

[Lucky Jim]

Hey HQ & babyducks,

Here's a quick story from the weekend that reveals a little about how my former marriage to a pw/BPD continues to affect me.  A female friend, let's call her Jane, invited me out to the movies.  Jane and I haven't seen each other for several weeks, in part because I was ticked off that she neglected to respond when I invited her to accompany me to a business event.  I found it rude that she never bothered to get back to me about the invitation, and was thinking, how hard is it to send a quick email or text message?

My point here is that I get on high alert if I sense that someone is treating me poorly, the way my BPDxW did, so I dropped Jane for a while and have been keeping her at a distance.  I'm super sensitive post-BPD r/s if I perceive that anyone is being disrespectful to me.  It's about self-love; I can't allow anyone to walk over me again.

Anyway, after the movie, Jane and I went out for a drink.  Turns out her birthday was more or less the same day as that business event and I had blown off her birthday (yes, she had told me when it was).  I was so caught up in protecting myself from what I perceived as a social slight that I totally forgot about her birthday!

So I would say, Yes, it does still affect me.  We had a laugh and things are back on an even keel with Jane.

LJ



 

[Insom]

Indeed!  I'm with babyducks.  Congrats on the third therapy session.  How are things going?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi all,

Sorry I've been MIA from this thread for a few days.  I'll catch up soon with replies to everyone.  Thanks for your responses.

Ducks, I was smiling from ear to ear when I read this in your post:

What has been nice though is that I have been able to conciously rebuild, to make choices about what I wanted to add and create in my life.     I have this post it note on my wall.   It says "I am the architect of my life; I build it's foundation and choose its contents."    Which is true.   Events and others are not pushing me in a direction any longer.    I am driving things.  I am not sure what I am going to be at the end of all this but I now see it as the process of a lifetime.

Thanks for sharing your excellent description of how it is to experience this open ended process and your positive affirmation/mantra/what you will (plus I love a good post it).  I couldn't agree more.  We seem to be on a similar journey. 

Regards being kind to myself, sometimes that means giving myself a break and expecting less rather than applying the usual inner pressure to be everything to all people all hours of the day.  If I need space, quiet, peace and to just be, then I'm taking it (not consistently, but getting better at that).  I also like to be outdoors, and enjoy walking.  With my physical health condition cold weather rules that out but we're blessed with an actual summer currently here, so I leave the car at home and walk everywhere I can.  Going to the gym is a real kindness usually, although I find that a trigger now and am gently easing in very very gradually over time.  If I can restore my old routine I'll be really happy with myself for combating that and so will my body!

Keep up the great work on your process and thanks 

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

My point here is that I get on high alert if I sense that someone is treating me poorly, the way my BPDxW did, so I dropped Jane for a while and have been keeping her at a distance.  I'm super sensitive post-BPD r/s if I perceive that anyone is being disrespectful to me.  It's about self-love; I can't allow anyone to walk over me again.

Hi LJ,

Your story is like a parable! I'm so glad you were able to laugh about this and work things out with your friend. Your high alert to being treated poorly makes total sense. I feel I'm hyper sensitive to that too and have to be mindful when S4 triggers that response in me or I'll become the type of mother I'd hate to be. At the same time his father is who he is so it's a balancing act.

With this knowledge of how your high alert can play out, would you want to change anything? The need for self preservation is a very valid one.

Thanks for sharing this. It has given me food for thought.

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

How are things going?

Thanks for asking Insom. Truthfully things in my world are following the same patterns as they have for some time. I have a tendency for avoidance so yesterday after my art class I had decided to go to the gym. I wore my gym gear to paint in and when the moment came to drive there, I instead made excuses to myself and picked up some craft supplies for S4 then went home. Logically I know I'm safe there but the place that was my sanctuary now holds so many bad memories and my fear takes over logic. I'm feeling uncomfortable in my body and exercise (which I thrive on) also benefits my pain condition so it's upsetting that I'm in this rut.

The last session with my therapist was more reassuring for me as I'd started to have doubts about the order in which she was approaching things, but I'm happier now to let things unfold and see where I land. It did make me laugh that she asked if I was coming back. She has paid attention to my assessments and has me figured out    I'm confident she will support me as I make some much needed changes in my thinking around my value. Which really is at the core of all my r/s experiences. I must trust her.

Last night I was reading here and a total of 4 emergency vehicles passed by in around an hour. The blue lights reflect on the walls around my windows and instantly take me to the feelings of dread, anxiety and a base fear of loss of life. I know I'm safe, but my body still goes into fight or flight. On the last occasion I had a huge shiver down my spine and found myself shaking it off. I'm noticing what happens and trying to be compassionate towards myself in those moments.

My counsellor that I also see until we wrap things up has pointed out to me that I've been blaming myself for the abuse I've suffered in my life. Some of the things that have happened which I'll talk about yet I couldn't have ever seen coming but I've continued to put myself at fault for those things occurring. She has a way of getting to the crux of things that I cannot disagree with and although I have a long way to go before letting go of that ingrained self criticism I know what she said makes sense and I felt more ease about my part when I left. I did not cause these things to happen and I am not responsible for it all.

Slowly but surely I will get there.

Love and light x

[Lucky Jim]

With this knowledge of how your high alert can play out, would you want to change anything? The need for self preservation is a very valid one.

I think my sensitivity to perceived slights is something I need to be more aware of, going forward.  After my experience with a pwBPD, I prefer to err on the side of standing up for myself, though maybe I can dial it back a bit in some situations, or until I find out more information.  Plus, I think it would be OK to tell someone like my friend that it feels to me like she is treating me with a lack of respect and then see how she responds.  My own bruised ego got in the way of me remembering her birthday!

LJ

[babyducks]

The blue lights reflect on the walls around my windows and instantly take me to the feelings of dread, anxiety and a base fear of loss of life. I know I'm safe, but my body still goes into fight or flight. On the last occasion I had a huge shiver down my spine and found myself shaking it off.

Hi Harley Quinn,

My P used to say to me 'your ego strength has been damaged'.    Very adamantly too.  Whatever that means.   I used to feel like I was 'soul sick' or permanently broken.   I don't feel that way anymore.    I feel like I am different than I used to be but not broken.

I have a vivid memory of sitting here in my living room, in my most comfortable recliner and finally, finally being able to relax.   It took about 6 to 8 months before my body let go of the idea the door was going to burst open and a screaming and yelling person was going to be in my personal space.   I think, a portion of that was a physical reaction,  a physical healing maybe of my body letting go of the hypervigilance, the exhaustion and the stress of constantly being in an emotional war zone.    Telling myself I was safe, was only so effective at letting the tensed coils unwind.

so my great wisdom for today is that 'time takes time'  

 I did not cause these things to happen and I am not responsible for it all.

Nice insight.   sometimes things just happen.  for no reason at all, and for every reason - none of them significant.   from where I sit you did a remarkable job in very difficult circumstances, at great expense to yourself.

'ducks

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks ducks!  You're a great cheerleader and have actually caused me to look back and remember what I overcame.  It can be easy to forget.  I looked up ego strength and found lots of detailed info and also came across this short summary, which resonated with me:

Your level of ego-strength refers to your ability to be adaptive, flexible and resilient in how you respond to challenging circumstances in your personal life and relationships. Thus, ego-strength is a measure of your:

Personal power to make optimal choices at any given moment in time.

Capacity to regulate difficult emotions in order to remain in optimal emotional states.

Ability to accept what is, in past or present, and tolerate discomfort, stress, frustration without getting triggered.

In many ways, your ego-strength reflects the extent to which your core beliefs and expectation are serving you, at any given time, to make optimal choices in moments when you face challenges. Unrealistic expectations for your self, others and life are energy draining to your ego, or sense of self.

It's taken from the following article:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2012/01/ego-versus-ego-strength-the-characteristics-of-healthy-ego/  

What I know about myself is that I'm resilient to stress and can tolerate it far longer than most 'normal' people (numerous psychological profiles over the years in work settings have indicated this), however that also is a destructive trait for me as it builds up, gets pushed down and does a lot of damage long term.  I think I've had my fill.  At the same time, I fail sometimes to recognise what I manage to achieve when the inner critic takes over (thanks mum).  

I've come a long way since I got out and feel stronger mentally.  My critic slates me for not being back at full strength emotionally and more able to handle what I'm confronted with right now.  Perhaps a re frame of that would be that I saved up all of this difficulty for a time when I truly am strong enough to face it and that time is now.  It is going to affect me, and I can be OK with that.  You're right - time takes time.

Love and light x    

[babyducks]

HQ,

Like you I am resilient.    I took a quiz not that long ago, also one of those psychological profiles things, and my top two characteristics were resilience number one and perseverance number two.  I told my T that I have been leaning on resilience and perseverance for so long I feel like I have worn them out, can I try having two other characteristics for a while?  She actually calls them signature strengths.    and so, I am working on using other signature strengths.

Thanks for the link.   A couple of things popped out at me.   first was this:

Emotions are what fire and wire neural interaction patterns that allow learning to take place in the brain, with the amygdala as the emotional hub.

and then this:

What makes a healthy ego essential to your personal and relational happiness? In a nutshell a healthy ego is foremost an ability to regulate painful emotions rooted in anger and fear.

I did understand my P to mean "ego-strength’ as a 'cultivated resiliency, the extent to which we learn to face and grow from challenging events or persons in our lives.'   I just didn't like it much.   I am pretty sure I heard "damaged ego strength" and my inner critic when shrieking off into a frenzy of see-I-told-you-you-were-the-screwed-up-one.  which then makes it hard to listen.

I don't think I've mentioned this here before, but my Ex is still very much around in the periphery of my life.    Last night her car was across the street from my house when I came home.   I was talking about that in another thread, how I see her at least once a week, ~accidentally~.  She visits my favorite bodega.   Show's up in my favorite park while I am out walking the dogs.    Parks her car across the street from house.     became friends with many of my friends.    all of that with a thin veneer of legitimacy pasted over it.   she has to go to that bodega because that is the ONLY place to get a certain item and she 'just craves it now'.       It's part and parcel of my life now that I know that she will turn up, in the grocery store, in the library, in the park, in the neighborhood.    this has been a particularly potent week and I have seen her or her bloody car three times.  I struggle with that.   

and I run into what the article said:

it turns fears into bigger-than-life illusions, thus, seemingly too scary or overwhelming to deal with effectively. it unnecessarily activates your body’s stress response, making automatic defensive tactics, such as blame, avoidance or denial, etc., seem like the only options for lowering your anxiety.

that bloody car can activate my stress response like nobody's business.    I reached the point of seeing similar cars and thinking I was about to be attacked.     I mean, I get it.    I understand why my stress and anxiety fire off,   I understand the ~concept~ of having cultivated ego strength so when I see bloody car I don't either want to throw up or slash her tires.    I want to have other options for lowering my anxiety.    I just don't know how to do it.

Lady Itone mentioned in the other thread about people with BPD having Favorite People, and that was helpful in reframing her semi stalking behavior.   still there is something about that freaking car and her that makes me feel like I am about to collapse into a pile of quivering protoplasm.

thanks for the thread... .you've given me a lot to chew on... .I think I am actually going someplace with some of the thoughts churning in the back of my head.

'ducks

[Harley Quinn]

I am working on using other signature strengths.

Great plan.  This has me thinking about what other signature strengths I can bring to the fore.  Thanks for that.

I am pretty sure I heard "damaged ego strength" and my inner critic when shrieking off into a frenzy of see-I-told-you-you-were-the-screwed-up-one.

I hear you on that!  Then I remember that I have good reason to be pretty messed up... .Am getting a little better at treating myself with compassion.  If I'm messed up, so be it.  On with the work of getting that mess sorted out into some sort of order.

still there is something about that freaking car and her that makes me feel like I am about to collapse into a pile of quivering protoplasm.

Oh ducks I'm sorry to hear that she is behaving in this way and can totally relate to how you are feeling.  I had my first major panic attacks at the age of 25.  Thought I was dying of a heart attack or something.  It was very scary as I didn't know what was going on. 

My boyfriend of only around 4 months had one night after a few drinks transformed into someone I didn't recognise, and hurled all kinds of nonsensical accusations and vulgar names at me as we walked back to his place.  I'd planned to stay over and had left a bag there with my belongings in before we went out.  I was knocked sideways by his sudden shift in behaviour.  I couldn't understand anything he was saying - it was so disjointed and made no sense at all but he was clearly very worked up.  Usually he was a very placid, super polite and quiet guy.  We were still getting to know one another though and this took me completely by surprise. 

Needless to say I just wanted to get away from him as his increasingly delusional state was alarming.  I saw a public phone and said I'd call a taxi, but he blocked me from doing so and pleaded for me not to go.  Reluctantly and because I felt wary of what he might do, I agreed to go back to his house.  My plan being to grab my bag from the hallway and leave.  Before we got there, he rounded on me and yelled at me to get my stuff and get away from him.  I was more than happy to oblige and as he opened the door I lunged for my bag but he was faster than I was. 

I heard the door lock behind me and he stood there wide eyed as he went on to bolt the door as well.  Trying to remain calm, I decided to move away from the confined space we were in and attempt to reason with him.  As we moved into the lounge, he positioned himself right in front of me with this crazed expression on his face and announced that he was going to kill me and then kill himself, so I had better think of something fast.  Those were the exact words.  I can still hear them in my mind as though it were yesterday, not almost 20 years ago.

I won't tell you the entire blow by blow, but in short we fought for 12 hours before I escaped the house and managed to get away.  It was nothing short of something you might see in a movie.  I really thought I was going to die.  When I got away that wasn't the end though.  He stalked me for over 6 months.  Day in day out he was outside my house, where I lived with my family at the time.  His car was sometimes out of sight and other times less discreet, but I knew I was being watched constantly.  The phone rang off the hook.  He begged and pleaded on the phone for me to speak to him, see him, forgive him. 

My father spoke to him and told him to stop calling, so he would wait until my father was out before calling over and over again, or would come and knock on the door when he knew I was home alone.  I felt trapped in my own home.  I can't tell you how many times he was turned away by my brother, my mother, friends who would pass by and tell him to leave me alone.  I felt like I was suffocating.  He was the last person I wanted to see in the whole world and I couldn't escape him.  I couldn't breathe. 

One morning I even awoke to the sound of someone tapping on my window.  I slept in an upstairs bedroom.  He had stolen a ladder from a neighbour and was outside my bedroom window with a bunch of flowers before I even opened my eyes.  I could no longer wake up in the morning without him already invading every corner of my life.  I couldn't take it any more.  That was breaking point for me.  I was going out of my mind and would have welcomed a padded cell where I could feel safe and have some personal space, some peace, some calm.  The anxiety was off the charts and it's around this time when the physical effects kicked in for me.  It was so overwhelming.

So I can understand your feeling like you're ready to collapse into a quivering pile.  I have trouble enough with the unwanted memories that flash back, and know I'd be in a bad way if my BPDex was actually being a nuisance right now.  I think that past trauma reduced my tolerance for ongoing anxiety around my own physical safety. 

Glad you're getting help from a therapist.  Glad we both are.  My mistake all those years ago was not getting help.  In fact at that time, I didn't even know that I could get help.  My family were very dismissive and I found it impossible to put across to them just how violated I was feeling.  Here's to progress!  Now I have a really strong support network and boy what a difference that makes.  I'm so glad we have this place where we can speak to others who get it and encourage one another as we navigate these rough waters.

Love and light x

           

[babyducks]

Hi Harley Quinn,

I apologize for being late to get back to this topic.    It's been a tough week here.

Great plan.  This has me thinking about what other signature strengths I can bring to the fore. 

I will make a pitch for a website.   It's call the VIA institute on character.   https://www.viacharacter.org/www  I used them a little bit to identify my signature strengths and where I wanted to try and change and modify them.    The quiz isn't long.   and I liked the positive spin on things; sometimes it's too easy to focus on the negative.  I also liked the exercises they offer on how to build certain character strengths.   they are simple, easy, practical.

Oh ducks I'm sorry to hear that she is behaving in this way and can totally relate to how you are feeling. 

Thanks HQ.  I had a pretty major (for me) encounter with her Friday night.    I behaved appropriately and I would say well, but my stress reaction went through the roof.    She, of course,   processing life in the ways she does, doubled down on the encounter yesterday.          Go Away Already.

One morning I even awoke to the sound of someone tapping on my window.  I slept in an upstairs bedroom.  He had stolen a ladder from a neighbour and was outside my bedroom window with a bunch of flowers before I even opened my eyes. 

I can't even imagine.    I can't even imagine how much it cost you to write all that out.   I am so sorry you went through all that.      I have such difficulty in comprehending why some one would act that way.    what do they get out of that?

  The anxiety was off the charts and it's around this time when the physical effects kicked in for me.  ... /... /…    I think that past trauma reduced my tolerance for ongoing anxiety around my own physical safety. 

Can I ask you a little bit about this?   I think it's in play for me too but I am not sure how, or what to do about it.    In the encounters I had in the last week,  I think I did a little depersonalization/derealization, using the clinical definition of the terms, but not to diagnostic levels.   I think my perceptions of what was going on around me felt loosely connected.   Almost like an out of body experience but not quite.    It wasn't even the most stressful encounter I have ever had.  Quite honestly it was very low on the drama scale.   But I felt foggy headed and surreal for most of the day.
           
'ducks

[Harley Quinn]

It's Ok ducks, we all get tough weeks.  I hope things have eased for you.   

Yes when I first got the panic attacks they were so scary because I didn't understand what was going on and they weren't directly related to triggers when they happened as such - it was like a build up of anxiety that just started to manifest in the symptoms which caused me to feel like something was seriously wrong.  My system just went haywire which was alarming.  Too much stress and the body showed I was at breaking point I guess.   

Since then, I fully get what you're saying about that out of body experience.  It's hard to describe but it's a bit like I'm detached from what's going on around me, almost like an observer but one who can be in denial about what's going on.  Surreal is probably the best word I could use to describe it too.  When I was with my ex and things got really bad - the frequent suicide attempts and rages, projection, isolation, basically everything - I spent a lot if not most of the time in that detached state.  It really was like I was in a movie.   

I completely emotionally shut down sometimes in a genuinely traumatic situation - when things are just too much for my mind to cope with, somehow.  I can sort of just go into autopilot and find myself being 'all business' and no emotion when I know that actually very intense emotion should be there and it's a bit scary.  This defence mechanism I think adds to the surreal feeling I can have about what is happening.  I really do feel like I'm on a different plane of existence to others when that goes on.  Whilst physically present, some part of me locks itself away and what's left is strange and very disconcerting.  For want of a better word, my body just feels... .well, wrong. 

I can remember spending a lot of time in the emergency room of the hospital with him in various states, or he'd have escaped again and I'd be lost for what to do next, and seeing others going about their lives, whilst I felt so far away from them somehow.  Everything around me seemed so bright in the 'real world' and where I was, in the midst of craziness and chaos, it was sort of hazy.  It's so hard to describe accurately.  Almost like being in a bubble looking out.  That still doesn't really put it over properly.  Did you find you struggled to think straight, organise your thoughts or make decisions?  I had to take each minute at a time and keep focusing on my breathing.  It was weighing me down and grounding me to fill myself with breath and I clung to that with everything I had.  Sleep deprivation only exacerbates this weird surreal feeling too.  Such a wild ride.

Reading about depersonalisation/derealisation that sums it up pretty well.  Have you experienced that before at any other time in your life?

Love and light x

[babyducks]

I completely emotionally shut down sometimes in a genuinely traumatic situation - when things are just too much for my mind to cope with, somehow. 

Hi again Harley Quinn,... .

Thanks for your reply.   I have a very close family member going through a pretty serious medical crisis.   It's ordinary, no mental illness involved, just a normal life event but boy oh boy I can't cope.   my ability to react to 'normal' stress is shot just the now.  I do wonder if it gets to be this way for everyone.

  I really do feel like I'm on a different plane of existence to others when that goes on.  Whilst physically present, some part of me locks itself away and what's left is strange and very disconcerting.  For want of a better word, my body just feels... .well, wrong. 

oh yeah.    I feel like I am walking around under water.    You are right, it's very hard to describe and the thing that  bothers me the most, is the inability to think straight, to organize my thoughts, to have any kind of mental clarity.

I tell myself things will get better once the stress recedes and I catch up on my sleep, but I get impatient with that.  some one here gave me a trick to help ground me,   to look around the room and let my eyes randomly fall on things and describe them... .not just simply coffee mug but coffee mug with picture of XYZ on it, to use as much detail as I can, and then go on to the next item.  to do that for about five minutes.    strangely it helps.

    Have you experienced that before at any other time in your life?

well I'll tell you.    I don't know.        maybe?     certainly my experience with my person with BPD pushed everything to a different level.    and I am a vastly different person than I was before.   somedays it's hard to tell.   

I hope all is well with you,  and you are finding things to enjoy.

'ducks

[Cromwell]

Hi Harley Quinn

It does sound like depersonalisation disassociation states, I can relate exactly to what you describe for at least one occasion I have been through, it is a protective mechanism to the shock to a trauma stimulus. I havent read too far academically into it, im basing my thoughts based on having experienced it.

Panic attacks ive had two, with the second one being the most physiological, literally a fear of imminent death, but this was brought upon through drug use. Im generally free from these symptoms and feel prepared if they happened again, in the knowledge that it is a physiological response and it will pass.

I can remember spending a lot of time in the emergency room of the hospital with him in various states, or he'd have escaped again and I'd be lost for what to do next, and seeing others going about their lives, whilst I felt so far away from them somehow.  Everything around me seemed so bright in the 'real world' and where I was, in the midst of craziness and chaos, it was sort of hazy.  It's so hard to describe accurately.  Almost like being in a bubble looking out.  That still doesn't really put it over properly.  :)id you find you struggled to think straight, organise your thoughts or make decisions?  I had to take each minute at a time and keep focusing on my breathing.  It was weighing me down and grounding me to fill myself with breath and I clung to that with everything I had.  

sounds like tunnel vision, if you think of emergency service workers, they get such a repeated exposure after awhile, their body just adapts to it. It sounds like it based on the eyes having clear central focus with the periphery being hazy also tying in with the breathing difficulties relating to sympathetic system being pumped up with high levels of adrenaline.

[Harley Quinn]

my ability to react to 'normal' stress is shot just the now.  I do wonder if it gets to be this way for everyone.

I hear you.  Things that I'd have taken in my stride now rattle me far more than I'm comfortable with.  My mind is still able to be rational and logical, but the physiological and emotional responses are only a heartbeat away.  It's like being a full cup I guess.  One more drop and we overflow.  If anyone out there knows of a surefire quick win therapy to empty that cup I'm all ears!  In reality all the best things in life come with discomfort as a side dish so I'm pushing through as always and treating myself with kindness.  It is tiring though.

Thank you for the reminder about focusing on environment.  I tend to get with my experience and tell myself I am having a difficult time right now, with compassion.  However I shall try to remember this method too in the moment.

certainly my experience with my person with BPD pushed everything to a different level.    and I am a vastly different person than I was before.

Same here.  That in many ways is a really positive thing.  I've moved further forwards with my self awareness and the motivation and focus to work on myself is stronger than ever.  If I stripped out the PTSD I think I'd be entirely happy with where I've landed.  Although, this is also a challenge in itself and something to accept and then overcome.  I can't walk away from the things that have happened any more, and that is a blessing.  The life lesson is well and truly being learned this time around.  I guess PTSD underlines that and makes it inescapable.

somedays it's hard to tell.    grin

Yup!

I hope all is well with you,  and you are finding things to enjoy.

Thanks ducks.  You too.  What are you involved in that's good for you right now?  I've been enjoying my pottery and did a huge canvas this last week which I'm really pleased with.  Those short little breaks from everything real and present are so blissful. 

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

It does sound like depersonalisation disassociation states, I can relate exactly to what you describe for at least one occasion I have been through, it is a protective mechanism to the shock to a trauma stimulus. I havent read too far academically into it, im basing my thoughts based on having experienced it.

Hi Cromwell,

I'm sorry to hear that you've felt this way too.  It is very disconcerting.  I don't know about you, but I've always considered myself very switched on, strong and able to handle anything life throws at me.  To find myself feeling so very removed from my usual reality is highly uncomfortable.  I know that discomfort comes from having no control over the experience I'm having.  From a young age I began to protect myself from things outside of myself affecting me, as a protective measure.  Clearly not a great strategy as once that ability to manage my own environment and inner experience is removed I struggle with that it seems.  What about you?

sounds like tunnel vision, if you think of emergency service workers, they get such a repeated exposure after awhile, their body just adapts to it. It sounds like it based on the eyes having clear central focus with the periphery being hazy also tying in with the breathing difficulties relating to sympathetic system being pumped up with high levels of adrenaline.

You could be right there.  It was as if (certainly felt like) what I was experiencing was so all consumingly awful that I was unable to connect with or handle anything else outside of that.  I felt detached from normal life.  The adrenaline was certainly through the roof.  I was in survival mode.  It's interesting when you do the comparison to emergency services workers.  Yes, I believe you're onto something.  It's also comforting to think of this as a 'normal' bodily response to the situation as opposed to thinking of it in terms of what a complete mess I'd become.  Thanks. 

Love and light x 

[Cromwell]

I'm sorry to hear that you've felt this way too.  It is very disconcerting.  I don't know about you, but I've always considered myself very switched on, strong and able to handle anything life throws at me.  To find myself feeling so very removed from my usual reality is highly uncomfortable.  I know that discomfort comes from having no control over the experience I'm having.  From a young age I began to protect myself from things outside of myself affecting me, as a protective measure.  Clearly not a great strategy as once that ability to manage my own environment and inner experience is removed I struggle with that it seems.  What about you?

Hi Harley Quinn

I can understand, although whilst you will be very strong everyone has their limits and whilst we adapt to stressors (like emergency service workers) its not to say that it is healthy in the long run (look at the sickness record for police officers, there is a reason they retire at 50 and most are found in the pub after work).

Some people like myself, live with such a level of anxiety for decades that it becomes a normal baseline. The body adapts, but it takes it toll. When I met my ex id like to look back and think "pah, borderline  - I thought those people were supposed to be 'tough'" and its part of why I never walked away, in the main, I could handle her, but it is a daily grind down that you dont get aware of until it makes you. Looking back there was no "chillout" time besides those moments we were apart and I remember all of a sudden feeling better. Im in a much better place nowadays but it is down exclusively to managing stressors and anxiety triggers. It was all fine to have all the hope and best interests to help someone else with a condition, its a different thing to walk into a doctors office one day and find out you have stress related physical and or psychiatric issues as a result. I bailed out when it got too much, my health is the number one consideration in my life before spousal choice as a second.

These dissociation moments are the bodys way of protecting itself from permanent damage. I havent researched too far into it but it is related to biochemistry and once you realise this, that your body has been flooded by whatever cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters, it isnt a case of going crazy, it is a natural response. Just like running releases feel good endorphins.

I was on the verge of psyhosis from the stress towards the end, I took 2 weeks of olanzapine and felt fine and feel fine now afterwards.

With this release of andrenaline each time, it is designed for fight or flight. Yet you are standing in a hospital and doing neither but still getting the physiological response all the same, not healthy and zoning out - well what more can you do? This release doesnt just happen in danger, it comes in 'anticipation' of imminent danger. Put yourself in a daily situation of living with a person who has unpredictable intense outbursts and it doesnt matter if they actually do something or not, when they start acting out you get that hit to the system regardless.

Then you get worry, which contributes to psychosomatic fatigue, hits into insomnia. before you know it, your never getting a rest and it is cumulative grind down. Like you mentioned with lack of sleep, insomina is not an illness but lack of sleep can result in serious mental disturbance, worries and annoyances that keep the mind alert and prevent sleeping even when you feel exhausted. people go for sleeping tablets, they dont tackle the root cause, they simply dont work. this vicious cycle then leads to depression and the lounge of the neurologist or psychiatrist.

all that just for hanging around with a person that is burning their candle fast, gives no sign of appreciation in any case and has shown incorrigible to change and little care how it started to affect me (she behaved worse as I got worse) no thanks.

Life is uncharacteristiically sedate, relaxing and peaceful for me, but im getting used to it. some might call it 'boring' but its just the way I like it. Ive had enough 'excitement' to last a lifetime. The thing I aim for is the "sleep factor", if im not getting a deep, refreshing good night sleep then I know something is wrong, it becomes an emergency situation to deal with - something needs changed. I never used to think that way or recognise its importance, I do now and dont suffer from any of those maladies anymore.

Those blue lights and sirens are stress related associated triggers, when you feel that way, let it go over your head and realise it will pass and that you can be in control of it. concious deep breaths and concious knowledge that you are not facing any danger anymore you are safe and not having to respond to anything. My ex built up in her mind a catalogue of paralysing triggers, she actively and consciously created them and associated them with bad experiences. The mind believes what you train it towards but it can equally be untrained with concious effort.

I know you will get over these things Harley Quinn and towards a quality of life and peace that we all deserve. Im sorry for what you have had to go through. "adapt and overcome" is a saying I picked up and live by, we arent passive participants we have the ability to change things. I wont let anyone or anything make me unhappy again.

have a great day 

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks Crom,

I appreciate your supportive words.  I am a survivor, that's for sure.  Always considered myself fairly bulletproof considering what I have experienced and I think part of my frustration comes from having a setback and 'not being there yet' if you know what I mean?  I'd hoped to have rid myself of the whole PTSD stuff before entering therapy to explore and uproot my core beliefs and take control of my future.  Things have not gone as I intended.  In fact, the trauma from my last r/s has simply opened up a lot of other wounds that I'd pushed firmly down.  The triggers feel like a coat in summer to me.  Whilst I'm able to manage through them, I just want them gone.  And now I hear my own advice... .What we resist persists

See how it pays to talk about this stuff!  Thank you for taking the time to respond and give your input.  You are of course absolutely right in your assessment.

Love and light x