My Ex left me again and I’m compelled to get closure.

[Melvins5000]

Moderator note: This topic was split from this thread to receive more targeted responses: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323290.0

I don't have many to talk to and I'm still asking for answers from my ex, I know it's only making things worse but I'm compelled to get closure and I'm sure she's out with a new man.

[NGU]

Hey. I wanted to add a quick comment on DBT from your original thread.

I went to group behavioral therapy. Looking back, group or individual would have worked. The material wasn't sinking in, and I apparently needed someone else to break down the arrow-filled charts in normal human language. I keep one key handout available to look at when things get rough, as a reminder. Apparently that's all I need, even three years later.

It helped me way more than regular talk therapy. Not sure why. Probably because behavioral therapy offers something concrete to latch on to. A concept you can use after you leave the office.

Regarding your new post... .

I'm compelled to get closure

Totally understandable. Yeah, it does feel like a compulsion. You might sit at home and continually roll the facts around in your head, but get nowhere, because pieces are missing. Lack of sleep doesn't help, and these constant hamster-wheel thoughts simply wear you out more.

That's why this forum helps. Or even a single DBT chart. Little nuggets here and there, adding up to something larger that might help you be OK with those few missing pieces.

-ngu

 

[Melvins5000]

Hello NGU

I do find some advice and techniques very difficult to compute when my head is so full, someone to break that stuff down would be very useful.

Would it be possible to see that one key handout? Is it something available online or would this be out of context of the other information you got.

Those thoughts are most definitely going round in a loop, I've tried to introduce things to break the cycle. There are many missing pieces that don't add up, but I guess that's what I've to try and accept, there won't be a conclusion, because there has been little real honesty from my ex.

I find all this information very helpful thankyou and it gives me a little hope something might help one day.

[lighthouse9]

Hey Melvin,

Closure would be nice, no?

Some of the best advice I've gotten from this forum is that you likely won't get it from a pwBPD. I won't lie, it scares me. I'm someone who likes to have things wrapped in neat packages and tied up nicely. But, life seldom works that way. I've described our break up to some people like a sudden death. It's helped me some days to think of it that way, though my ex is very much alive and maybe even thriving, who knows. But, the relationship I had with her suddenly died. I didn't have time to say goodbye or time to prepare myself (mostly, though I was preparing somewhat). She just wasn't there anymore all of a sudden.

With that being said, I've had to focus on my grieving process. I've spent a lot of time on this link on the right here (Healing-the big picture): https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37613.msg347360#msg347360

I move in and out of the stages of grief (everyone does), but the abandonment stuff was also really helpful for me. It's produced some random moments spent crying hysterically and wailing like a child, but better out than in with that stuff! I've realized that when something can just move me to tears then there's something in me that needs to be processed. It's like having a demon inside that needs to just work its way out and when I resist letting it out then I'm signing up for a battle royale with that monster.

I don't want to make things worse by saying that you might not get closure. It's possible that you will, but I do want to prepare you to take your next steps without anything from her. Is she out with a new man? Possibly. Mine was. It's possible she has several now. Who knows. Does it hurt? Sure. Absolutely. Stick a dagger in my back kind of pain (heck, that actually sounds much better than this).

What if I told you that going through this pain is what's going to get you to the other side of it? What if I told you that your ability to even feel this pain and process it is what makes you a healthy, resilient man? What if I told you that your tears were knock out punches to those demons and that your worries were like breadcrumbs back to yourself? Would you let it out? Would you follow those breadcrumbs, loosen your bonds, and notice yourself living through this? Would closure feel as important, if I told you that you are getting through this, even if the right now is unbearable?

Spend some time on the link that I sent over and report back your reflections. I'm really curious to hear what you think and I'm going to spend some more time there, too. Let's see if we can remind ourselves about the big picture of healing. You're doing great man, and we're here to see you through this. Keep reaching out to your external supports and your crisis team - that's just even more evidence that you're pushing through and doing your work.

-Lighthouse

[spero]

Hello there again Melvins5000,

Moderator note: This topic was split from this thread to receive more targeted responses: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323290.0

I don't have many to talk to and I'm still asking for answers from my ex, I know it's only making things worse but I'm compelled to get closure and I'm sure she's out with a new man.

How are you today? Have you been able to get a just a little more sleep?
Just following up again on your crisis team, have they given you a call since the last time you've posted on the boards?

How do you feel about closure? What would closure look like for you?
Hope to hear from you soon.

Spero.

[NGU]

Would it be possible to see that one key handout? Is it something available online or would this be out of context of the other information you got.

That would be a great goal for the second half of the day... .find a clean/digitized copy of that. I'll look. If I don't post tonight, then tomorrow morning.

-ngu

[Shawnlam]

Trust me when I say getting closure for a BPD is like trying to split an atom with a hammer.I attempted twice to do this with mine,once the day I broke up with her when she disrespected me.I wanted to come say goodbye to her respectfully (a simple hug and kiss goodbye)pfff not a chance she wanted that.All I got was a text saying and I quote in her adult words. F&@ shawn  your really f@$&en suck... .right now.I had to say a proper goodbye by voicemail.Then the next day I got the angry text of , I’m gonna bring your gifts/jewelry back I think it’s only appropriate .Then I got the I don’t want them anymore tantrum .

The I attempted a contact on Saturday (after a lot of gin... .like a whole lot) asking her why she disrespected me and why our relationship meant so little to her that she didn’t or couldn’t bother to attempt to save it on her side by stopping her s@&.In return I got the : you left me twice for stupid reasons we aren’t compatible (which was total BS). And in final Sunday morning she said : I think we should have stayed no contact to but it’s fine you don’t have to explain anything I understand.Take care to alright xo. So I don’t consider that closure as she truely believes her actions were appropriate with no semblance of guilt.

[NGU]

I’m back. Please allow me to top this with the two other items that have helped me a lot. So three things.

Everyone is flawed in some way
We need to be around other people. And everyone is struggling, just like us. So the ones who learn how to stay positive and/or actively learn how to navigate this mess are the ones that keep this giant social experiment from imploding. Example: it took the lady at the pharmacy counter two years to stop scowling at me. The day she stopped was the day I casually mentioned how reportedly awful their corporate rules were.

People aren’t intentionally flawed
Put mental illness aside for a moment. This instead…
I can’t find the YouTube video now, but it was on cognitive biases. It was interesting how the guy cast it; that people fall victim to their own brains and it’s not their fault. It’s human nature. You actually need to learn about this before you can fight it off. Interestingly, if you’ve ever caught yourself saying something like “Wow, people are dumb,” a cognitive bias is frequently the reason. Confirmation bias is my personal favorite.

The form with all the arrows and boxes
Google or DuckDuckGo this:
REBT Self-Help Form oxfordclinicalpsych
and Oxford’s PDF will be the first return. I can’t add the link here because we only do https, and this is http.

I realized today that I don’t even look at the text anymore. Just seeing the empty boxes can remind me that I’m not thinking clearly. To keep this post from getting too long, I’ll split it. Please see the next post.

[NGU]

The REBT Self-Help Form

Wow, that thing is crammed full of jargon. It honestly needs a translator. Brownie points please, if I can pull this off.

The Chocolate Chip Cookie Explanation

The events in your life, and your mood, are linked. The events in your life are like the ingredients. Use spoiled eggs, rancid butter and rubbery carob chips, and you’ll end up with a horrible cookie. Just like bad life events probably mean you’ll end up with a bad mood.

The events and your mood are linked because of the Kitchen Aid mixer. Oops, sorry, they’re linked because of your thoughts. Just like the mixer needs parts to run, your thoughts do too. Those parts are how you perceive things, how you interpret things, what your attitudes are. Pretty much whatever kind of person you are at the moment.

For example, I might tell you I’m using Crisco in my next batch of chocolate chip cookies instead of delicious butter. Your brain blends up that information and spits out either, “Hell no. That’s a horrible idea. You’re stupid.” or “Hey, he makes good cookies, he must know a little bit about baking. I’ll give it a shot.”

Your emotional reaction to the thought of a Crisco Cookie is not based off what you heard me say. It’s based off how you blended it up in your brain.

That first cookie I mentioned was guaranteed nasty. With the rancid butter and whatnot. Let’s say you eat it. You might say to yourself “Wow, that’s quite unpleasant,” while you spit it out, throw the rest in the garbage and laugh in amazement.
Or the opposite reaction:
“Wow, this is the worst cookie I’ve ever eaten. I can’t stand chewing it. You’re a horrible baker and a horrible person for making me eat it. My entire day is ruined because of that nasty disaster. I’m never going to forget this terrible moment and this nightmare of a cookie. Don’t ever talk to me again, you pathetic culinary hack.”

Now remember that nasty cookie and look at the PDF.

A = The (Activating) life events. The cookie ingredients.

B = Beliefs. The ”irrational” kind that your skewed thoughts cooked up. Where your day is ruined because of one bite of a nasty cookie. Also known as the Kitchen Aid mixer.

C = Consequences of those irrational beliefs. Your negative mood or emotion. In this case, some anger, some stress, some anti-social stuff.

The rest are ways to fix this. Yeah, I know they forced this ABCDEF concept. Roll with it, if you can.

D = Dispute your thinking. In other words, “Can I really not stand this? I mean, it’s just a cookie. I was able to spit it out.”

E = Effective beliefs. Basically blending up your thoughts better. “Eating that cookie was highly unfortunate, but it didn’t ruin my day. My life isn’t the awful thing here… just that nasty cookie.”

F = Functional behaviors. Healthy concern instead of worry. Sadness instead of depression. Annoyance instead of anger.

Sources:
--Me.
--My behavioral therapist counselor’s handout.
--The "new" PDF.
--My behavioral therapist counselor’s session on CBT/DBT/REBT: What’s the Difference?
--This book, which I recently bought after reading Skip’s included posts. It's basically this post in book form.

-ngu

[CryWolf]

For example, I might tell you I’m using Crisco in my next batch of chocolate chip cookies instead of delicious butter. Your brain blends up that information and spits out either, “Hell no. That’s a horrible idea. You’re stupid.” or “Hey, he makes good cookies, he must know a little bit about baking. I’ll give it a shot.”

Should have offered a gluten-free/vegan recipe.

jk 

[spero]

Hey there Melvins5000,

Just dropping by and seeing how you've been doing lately.
How have you been feeling over these past few days? And has the crisis team been following up after the most recent happenings of your situation?

Spero

[kleptoz28]

Reading the comments in this thread and others has helped me.  I'm looking for closure myself, and starting to understand that it's not me, a pwBPD just isn't capable of giving it. 

I have ex's I'm on good terms with, and ex's that were so awful we no longer speak.  But I've always known why there was a breakup.  Sometimes there's been a tearful mutual goodbye, others some anger and resentment, but I've never in my life been in a situation where someone just pretends I never existed.  ":)elete my number and never contact me again" and "F*** you" after 2 years together.

My current level of understanding is something like this: Their core sense of shame won't allow them to give you closure.  To do so would be to admit they were wrong in some way, and they need their victim mentality to continue "functioning" the way they do.

[Harley Quinn]

Hey Melvins,

Just wondering how you're doing at the moment?  Thinking of you. 

Love and light x

[Melvins5000]

I have been having trouble seeing my child recently and unable to look much at the forum because of the stress it caused.
Thankyou all so much for your input, I will be reading through this today, just on my way to work shortly.

[Struggler123]

I have been having trouble seeing my child recently and unable to look much at the forum because of the stress it caused.
Thankyou all so much for your input, I will be reading through this today, just on my way to work shortly.

Melvin I can only imagine the stress you are going through, but im gonna be honest with you having closure isn't all that great either. Our minds tell us that closure means that it will help us move on, but in reality we move on when we draw that fine thin line in our minds. Just an example, I recently had to let go of my ex, we were together for a year about to be two years on and off, she wanted marriage and I wasn't ready and I asked her for more time, she wanted some sort of commitment, when I didn't give it to her 4 days later, she was in love with a new guy and preparing to get married to him. I did the same thing as you, wanting closure, after she kept calling me, I decided to one day pick up, and I asked her so why did you say yes, she told me I didn't fight for her, and that so she did what she had to do and that she's happy. At that point I realized I was looking for closure, but all I got was more blame. I wished her the best and told her I can't be friends with you anymore, and I deleted her everywhere after that. You might think, that deleting her everywhere was my way of closure no it wasn't. The real closure I got was when I realized, I have no reason to be angry, every person comes in our lives as a lesson, its up to us to know how to handle it. It's gonna be hard, its gonna grind your gears, but at the end of the day, your mind will thank you for finally stabilizing.

Read this guide I wrote. You will understand why it's not worth it.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=324260

[Harley Quinn]

I have been having trouble seeing my child recently

I'm so sorry to hear that.  This must be so upsetting for you.  I know how awful it is to be kept from your child.  Have you got support around this?  Do fill us in on the situation when you can manage it.  Thinking of you and sending strength.

Love and light x