Sick to my stomach

[Anny-One]

Hello,
My ex partner has BPD. We bought a house and moved in together  one year ago. Immediately after moving in the verbal abuse started. I couldn’t believe the foul words that were coming out of his mouth. I have struggled so much. My husband had died only 2 months before I had met this man. I wanted to bury my grief and he wanted someone to look after him and to control.
I was scared to be by myself, so I put up with the put downs, yelling and abuse. 2 months ago, my adult son came to stay for 2 nights and my partner starts on him. I saw this as him wanting to get rid of my son so he could have me all to himself. Well, that did not work. It took 2 weeks of depression and thinking that I decided I didn’t want this emotion sucking life for myself anymore. I told him we needed to break up. We have put the house on the market. BUT we are still in the same house. We both put all our money into the house and need it to sell to move on. Oh my goodness- he is getting so nasty. He is lying about me to friends, he is insulting me as much as he possibly can to make me hurt as much as him. He is even on dating sites trying to find a new girlfriend. He is a highly intelligent 3 year old. He is projecting badly. He now is telling me to put a bullet in my head as I am such a pathetic human being and a waste of space I should shoot myself and my son. I am actually scared of him now. I have no where to go until the house is sold, as I run my business from home and I have 2 dogs too. He refuses to leave

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Anny-One, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  I suspect that your stomach is trying to tell you something!  Because you have to reside in the same premises until the sale, I suggest you consider imposing boundaries for your protection.  See Tools button above for a helpful discussion.  I had never thought about boundaries before marrying my pwBPD, and to learn about this effective strategy.  How did you learn that your SO has BPD?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi Anny-One,

Im sorry that you’re going through this. Splitting up is a very straining experience and it’s only a completely different level when it’s a pwBPD. As you probably already know that the core wound of abandonment is the central feature of the disorder - abandonment fears when that’s triggered a pwBPD will frantically try to avoid ambejng abandoned. What do you do when he’s emotionally dysregulated?

[Anny-One]

Hi Lucky Jim and Mutt,
My Ex was diagnosed recently by a psychiatrist. Thank you for the suggestion of placing boundaries on our situation. This is something I am always trying to do. It does work most of the time. But since we are now separated and the abandonment issues have come up and he is being caught out on his lying, he is getting very frustrated and acting out. He is projecting. He is out of control with his temper - because he is now very much struggling to be in control.
As for his Emotional Dysregulation, I try to let him talk, yell, stomp, project, lie, swear, belittle and agree or walk away, as if I do defend myself, he sees it as a sign of weakness and he escalated because he knows I am being affected. It is very hard not to stick up for myself. I know I have good morals and values, but when I am constantly being put down, my self esteem does get a beating. He has nowhere to go if I just agree with him when he starts. But when he doesn’t get his own way on important issues (breaking up negotiations) he has an illogical tantrum and does and says whatever he can to get his own way. Very frustrating and scary.

[Lucky Jim]

It is very hard not to stick up for myself. I know I have good morals and values, but when I am constantly being put down, my self esteem does get a beating. He has nowhere to go if I just agree with him when he starts. But when he doesn’t get his own way on important issues (breaking up negotiations) he has an illogical tantrum and does and says whatever he can to get his own way. Very frustrating and scary.

Right, Anny-One, The put-downs are rough on one's self-esteem, which is why it's best to let them roll off your back.  I have a saying: "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."  So don't take his comments within you.  As to his tantrums, I suggest you decline to engage and leave the room, the house, etc. as necessary.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

I agree with Lucky Jim you don’t have to sooth him find something else to do go to gym, go for a drive run an errand the goal is to change the tempo around the house, you can’t control him you can only control yourself if he does x, I respond with y.

[love4meNOTu]

Anny-One -

I was in a similar situation (excepting the working from home) with by ex. Married for less than 16 months and filing for divorce and also forced to live with him as he had nowhere else to go.

I tried everything, including being "boring" with my responses... such as... "I don't know I'm just so confused" or "You're right, it's all my fault... (the hardest to choke down). My kids even questioned why I didn't "fight" back but they don't understand this illness or how BPD goes through the extinction bursts.

I eventually became so frightened, when he dysregulated in front of my boys, that I called the sheriff. They came to the house, and me and my boys left for the evening. I came back the next morning to him bullying me again, but that day he went and got an apartment.

From then on, just silence until he moved out. I was too afraid to say anything and honestly I just tried to be gone as much as I could until he left. I slept there every night, but I never gave him the opportunity to engage with me again.

The threats you are facing (shooting you or your child) are enough to scare ANYONE... you can call the authorities, a DV shelter for advice, or try to get a restraining order. The police take gun threats very seriously.

Please make some calls and get some advice from people who deal in DV.

L

[Radcliff]

Hello Anny-one,

It's been a couple of days.  How are you doing?

WW