Birthdays with BPD people in your life

[Emma 101]

This is a bit of a silly post, because I know that it's not a very serious matter but it always smarts. My BPD brother again didn't bother to wish me a happy birthday. We have been having quite a lot of contact recently, which has been nice but for the last two years - even though he will ring to speak to my dad the same day (when we were staying with my dad) or when he is living in the family house where everyone comes round on skype to say happy birthday to me - he just drops out of the equation. I don't know why he can't do this basic thing of wishing me a happy birthday which would just make me feel so happy. I don't need a present or a card or anything special, or even a call - just some small little 'i'm thinking of you' would make me so happy. He knows it's my birthday because of the family around him. He doesn't acknowledge it. The same as my wedding and the same with any little victory i have. I won a big competition in my field a few years ago and he couldn't bring himself to congratulate me. I don't want a lot. Just something to show he cares. Anyway, his lack of basic birthday wishes hurts me every year. I know i should stop being sad or shocked but for some reason it gets me every time. a txt or an email or a msg on facebook would mean so much to me. He knows, it's not that he has forgotten or didn't know. He knows. He just refuses to grace me with any well wishing and it hurts. Know that's not exactly abuse but it gets me. I went home for Christmas last year so he didn't spend it alone (it was my first Christmas married and i would have much preferred to spend it with my husband in a more romantic setting) but didn't want him to face Christmas alone and unemployed so went to the family house where he was staying, made Christmas dinner and got loads of presents for everyone he couldn't even be bothered to come downstairs for dinner. He stayed in his room all day. For his birthdays I ring and send presents and make a fuss which he seems to like. It is never EVER reciprocated. I feel torn between thinking I should give up completely on this and have some dignity (feel less like a dope who is trying with someone who doesn't care and doesn't love me) to feeling like i want to try to be a good sister even if he can't be a good brother. Thoughts on how to deal with this would be useful... .or if anyone has the same thing... .?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Emma 101 

Happy Birthday (a bit late)! 

It hurts when we feel left out of the picture from those we care about. I can't even begin to guess at why your B doesn't wish you a Happy Birthday or reciprocate when you spend time with him. It just plain old hurts, right? I would feel that way too, and in fact there have been other situations when I've also felt left out and it leaves a sad feeling inside of me.

That sadness has prompted me to figure out why I feel that way. I think I have a pretty good handle on the fact that I can't expect something from a pwBPD, nonetheless I do, and it then becomes a merry-go-round of my expectations and disappointments that are tough to step away from. Here's the good news: you get to choose what you do. You are free to choose if you wish to go visit him or give him gifts, and you are free to choose to not go as well. Having the opportunity to choose is sometimes hard, but it offers the freedom from obligation which might be weighing heavily on you. Deep down where you get to decide and no one else, what would you like to do?

Letting go of expectations is pretty tough. I've been able to discover that there is freedom in letting go. What would that look like to you if you could lower your expectations? Would you want to lower them?

Looking forward to hearing more from you!
Wools

[isilme]

Happy belated birthday!

I'm sorry, my family has always been weird and dysfunctional, so my birthday has rarely been remembered by family most of my life, except by my parents. 

All I can say regarding the effort - if it makes you feel more peaceful and like you've done a good-karma deed no matter how he reciprocates or responds, then, by all means, do it.  If it makes you feel resentful and angry, stop.  Don't do it out of obligation - do it because you want to (or don't do it if you don't want to/can't afford it). 

I will say this as far as my observations of people with BPD - my husband was ad about this for a long time - they seem to feel it's best to ignore gift giving than face possible failure or a lack of the emotional response they desire from gift giving.  Like, you can love a gift, but if your face is in the wrong set, you don't say the exact words they want, they deem the gift a failure and a waste of even trying.  My H would rather fail through giving up than let me know he tried in many instances in life.  He has improved a lot, but many a birthday while still dating but living together he'd decide to go out of town with friends for spring break (I was working full time, could not go) and the best I might get was a phone call before they hit a club.  Holidays and birthdays bring out THEIR ideas of OUR emotional expectations, and with the fear of those expectations, they just decide to go eat worms instead of being sociable or halfway "normal". 

Give yourself permission to not cater to his perceived moods. 

And it's okay to be upset - my grandmother on my dad's side has a birthday 5 days after mine.  Every year I knew it was her birthday, and I think we even sent cards (we were Army, lived far away).  I don't remember cards or phone calls from her on MY birthday throughout my childhood or teen years - and I have a semi-photographic memory.  You're telling me she simply forgot the grandchild whose birthday was 5 days before hers?  No - I was painted "black" as the child of a second marriage.  She preferred my cousins living closer to her born out of wedlock, but I was the child of sin.  Birthdays can also be used as weapons, to make people hurt by their omission because a pwBPD sometimes thinks you just deserve to be hurt, once you've been painted black.

[LadyAmalthea]

Birthdays are completely weird!
My BPD sister used to get presents on my birthday when I was a child (because I have a twin, and it's "not fair" that we got presents and she felt left out). Now that we are adults, BPD sis doesn't typically acknowledges my birthday (she'll call my twin though) but we have to roll out the red carpet on hers. I took her out to a $150 dinner and then a movie, for her birthday this year, but got criticized because I didn't "get her a gift".
Since my birthday is close to Christmas (I do not celebrate Christmas) she always goes out of her way to get lavish Christmas gifts for us, and then, if I don't reciprocate (because again, I am not Christian, and I do not celebrate Christmas) she gets to play the martyr and victim.
Gotta love it!