Hey bc-man.
Both of your examples sound close to projection. It's like a redirection. The person with BPD is unconsciously trying to transfer their faults onto you in an attempt to feel better. One of the reasons they need to feel better because there's usually a lot of hidden guilt floating around.
In your case, she spends money on (unnecessary?) items and winds up complaining about you buying (necessary) gas.
Also... .whether or not you have a prescription, let's assume right now that you do not need one/have one... .she needs to take medication, so she says you also have BPD and you need medication as well.
Just like you, my wife has said these exact two things to me. It's difficult to wrap your head around this BPD trait, especially right when they're accusing you of these things, because your initial reaction is to defend your choices (to buy gas) or to explain reality (you don't need medication, she does). Now you have the beginnings of an argument/fight.
So why do they do this? Humans need consistency in their brains. We all seek a mental calm to replace the nasty inner turmoil. A more pleasant feeling that our thoughts and actions and decisions are normal and good.
Actually, this reminded me of something you wrote in another thread.
I don't think it's some twisted way to get back at you. The BPD patients I met (at counselling, her friends etc) were all very self absorbed. All that mattered to them was how they feel. It could be one of those 'See, I got what I wanted!'
This almost casts it as malicious. People who study mental illness will say that people with BPD are not intentionally manipulative. They're just trying to cope with painful feelings or get their needs met with no intention of harming others.
So yeah, she got what she wanted, but she likely didn't say it to be mean. She said as a coping mechanism. To make the mental discomfort (cognitive dissonance) go away.
Personal tangent:
Every time this comes up, I think of my ex fiance who I later found out was cheating on me, while waiting for a decent excuse to rally her family into believing I was a monster so she could break up/move out and have guilt-free threesomes. She just didn't move out though. She then went to all our mutual friends and drug my name through the mud, and turned most of my friends against me.
Seven years later, I'm starting to understand why she probably did it. People need to justify their decisions, and one of the ways they do this is to spin it. And who hears the spin? Their friends and family.
This would explain why she came to my house as I was packing up to move out of state, and asked me if I still wanted to stay in contact. So she obviously didn't hate me. She hated monogamy, and it slowly drove her batty to a point where she needed to make the pain go away... .unfortunately in the most dramatic way possible. Then the dust settled, she felt better, and knocked on my door.
-ngu
