Where were you all these years?

[pearlsw]

My relationship is in an interesting phase. I find myself often saying to him,  with a touch of exasperation and sadness, “Where were you all these years?” Now that his medication is working he is calm, kind, thoughtful, peaceful, and bursting with love. He laughs and smiles often.

Me? Cautious but warm. I also often say, when he wants to pull me closer, “Things went too far” and “I’m not ready.”

We seem to be the closest we’ve ever been to a “normal” relationship. He’s more stable than ever, more able to regulate himself, more able to think.

Me? After all this, I no longer dream of a future with him. Sometimes I am very numb inside. Sometimes I remember things that were too much all these years, have intrusive thoughts. I think about not being with him. He forced me to have such thoughts with his break up and suicide threats.

How long will he stay like this? How close to “normal” could this get? Even a “normal” relationship with him is not quite enough, but perhaps worth a try?

For now I want stability (as close as we can get to that), peace, calm, and laughs. I don’t know that I could ever feel towards him the way I did last year. I want to focus on my health and recovery from all this without pressure. I want to dream of a future which is best for me, makes me feel safe and truly happy, something which his constant threats have not allowed for many, many years.

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[Harri]

Hi pearlsw. 

Is he able to recognize how his behaviors have caused you hurt and have caused significant damage to the relationship?  Or is he thinking everything is okay because *he* feels better?

What a tough tough place to be.  The uncertainty must be so hard to deal with.

[BasementDweller]

Hi Pearl,

I'm sorry to hear you have been feeling this way. It must be tough to still be facing so much uncertainty. I recall recently when we discussed the fact that your husband's medications might take some time to work properly, and it was frustrating because he wasn't feeling as good yet as you both hoped he would.

It seems that he's feeling better and you are both beginning to see the positive effects of his treatment plan.

However, after years of not so good days, you are feeling quite shell shocked, and perhaps not having so much faith that long term sustained improvements are on the horizon. When things start to feel good, it can be a very scary prospect to imagine that this might not be for the long haul. That it could get very bad again.

Long periods of turmoil do leave battle scars, and even when the worst has passed or receded, the pain of those events can, and often does remain very raw.

You said "For now I want stability (as close as we can get to that), peace, calm, and laughs." Those sound like very reasonable and well deserved goals. It sounds as if you are getting some of that now, but are afraid that the bottom might fall out. This is understandable. Is it possible that you can tell your husband that you are happy and optimistic about his progress, but need some time and space to decompress a little and take some time to also work on feeling better yourself? What would have to happen, or what might he say or do, that would help you to feel more comfortable in believing that these improvements could be significant and sustained?

You have been through hell and back, and shouldered a tremendous amount. It does seem as if some of that has paid off, and your husband, who was in the past perhaps resistant to treatment has taken a big step in trying to restore an even keel.

"After all this, I no longer dream of a future with him. Sometimes I am very numb inside. Sometimes I remember things that were too much all these years, have intrusive thoughts. I think about not being with him. He forced me to have such thoughts with his break up and suicide threats."

This must be excruciating. This is not what you signed on for when you made your marriage vows. You hoped for a more harmonious partnership, but things didn't quite go that way. When you say "sometimes" does that also mean that sometimes you have hope? That you remember the good things about this person, along with being aware of the bad? If you could be assured that things would improve greatly for the long haul, (even if it took some work) and there could actually be a functional partnership, would you want to nurture it?

May I share a related story with you? You can take from it whatever seems relevant. 

[Tattered Heart]

My relationship is in an interesting phase. I find myself often saying to him,  with a touch of exasperation and sadness, “Where were you all these years?” Now that his medication is working he is calm, kind, thoughtful, peaceful, and bursting with love. He laughs and smiles often.

This makes me sad and happy for you. I"m so glad that the meds are helping. I'm sad that it took so long to get there and that you are so broken from the years of hurt.

Me? Cautious but warm. I also often say, when he wants to pull me closer, “Things went too far” and “I’m not ready.”

This is ok. It's a start. You should only be as physically close as you are comfortable with. As things start to calm more and you begin to feel more comfortable around him more, this may change and you can allow yourself to be closer and closer. How is he handling it when you say this to him?

Me? After all this, I no longer dream of a future with him. Sometimes I am very numb inside. Sometimes I remember things that were too much all these years, have intrusive thoughts. I think about not being with him. He forced me to have such thoughts with his break up and suicide threats.

YOu have a lot of healing to do. You have been in crisis for months with him. It's been intense. I know I have been very concerned for your safety. Numbness can be a way to handle the stress and to prevent yourself from being emotionally damaged too much. You may even have some PTSD type symptoms going on. Like the physical closeness, hopefully you will begin to feel more freely again.

For now I want stability (as close as we can get to that), peace, calm, and laughs. I don’t know that I could ever feel towards him the way I did last year. I want to focus on my health and recovery from all this without pressure. I want to dream of a future which is best for me, makes me feel safe and truly happy, something which his constant threats have not allowed for many, many years.

This is a good goal. What does this look like to you? What is realistic? Now that the intensity has died down it may be time to reassess what "normal" would be like.

[pearlsw]

Hi and thanks Hari, BD & TH!

Is he able to recognize how his behaviors have caused you hurt and have caused significant damage to the relationship?  Or is he thinking everything is okay because *he* feels better?

Yes, surprisingly so. This week I even referred to some of what he did to me last year, over the holidays, as “torture” and he agreed, repeating the term. “Yes”, he “tortured me”.

He has a strong sense of shame and he can apologize, what I am less certain about is what he would ever do in the future. He seems “fine” now and wants to be better, it seems believable and genuine, but is he…Are there any red lines in his behavior towards others or is he so driven by impulsivity that red lines be d—-ed? I don’t know what to expect in the long run. I feel like I don’t know how to predict his behavior like you could with someone you knew well, and geez, it’s already been about 7.5 years.

I'm sorry to hear you have been feeling this way. It must be tough to still be facing so much uncertainty. I recall recently when we discussed the fact that your husband's medications might take some time to work properly, and it was frustrating because he wasn't feeling as good yet as you both hoped he would.

I expected it to take time, but eventually work to some degree. He, being impulsive, could not wait and made that time period extra stressful.  There was almost nowhere to turn for compassionate help, just had myself and this space really. He can’t wait for almost anything, ever. It was excruciating having to talk him into/through it, help him keep holding on - by the hour sometimes.

We both agree he needed this medication 7 years ago. It’s sad. If he had done that we would not be so broken now. Okay, fine, life goes on, but we have a hole to dig out of instead of what you would want at the start (restart?) of a relationship, and it feels like we are at the start but with a big load of baggage. I may have to just  set this aside and move forward…let go of any lingering resentments and doubts I mean and take another leap.

I am just not sure how equipped he really is to have a relationship. I can’t believe I got into this in the hope my life would be “more stable” and I ended up with the exact opposite of what I was looking for. But I sort of take life as it comes, and can “take one for the team”, but it just was…a lot of “ones”!

May I share a related story with you? You can take from it whatever seems relevant.  

Yes, please!

Still hard for me to post replies…I will in time! Thanks to all! So kind of all to write me!  

[pearlsw]

This is ok. It's a start. How is he handling it when you say this to him?

YOu have a lot of healing to do. You have been in crisis for months with him. It's been intense. I know I have been very concerned for your safety. Numbness can be a way to handle the stress and to prevent yourself from being emotionally damaged too much. You may even have some PTSD type symptoms going on.

This is a good goal. What does this look like to you? What is realistic? Now that the intensity has died down it may be time to reassess what "normal" would be like.

Oh, I meant, I’m not ready for the whole relationship after all this! I mean, so much has happened, and I am just worn out from him having turned the whole thing off and on like a light switch so many times. The good news is with the medication, while he is still emotionally sensitive, he can definitely handle conversations/difficult situations much better than he used to. He doesn’t meltdown/run off like before. Even just today I got a bit upset because he destroyed a power cord of mine. It was a mistake, but it irritates me because he has a habit of throwing things away without asking basic questions like “Is this yours”? We worked through it fairly well though. All is peaceful and calm.

If it keeps going like this we could work out many things I think, get along well enough. Perhaps.  Then I’d just have a regular relationship that I can make decisions about staying or leaving instead of suffering through over the top chaos and drama. He is hurt that I don't LOVE him the way he loves me and I try to explain this... .and let it just be. Healing takes time, but he is not so patient, so... .we'll see. He tends to pressure to get what he wants.

It is still hard for me to let my guard down, especially when it comes to future kid’s visits. (Thankfully none are planned until late summer) I am out of “good faith” and “team spirit” on that front for now, though I tend to be a hopeless optimist and inevitably compromise in the spirit of “family” and “greater good”.

It kills me to not be a “team player” but I just…Realistically he just cannot balance all of us at once – it overloads him. So, we’ll see, wait to cross that bridge until we get there. I am secretly dreaming of a vacation on my own or back to see friends in my “home country” though. I just can’t stand to have any more of these working/lost holiday/vacation times. I’ve gotta live my life, see and do things that make me happy. It is hard. He is so happy with me, and so sorry, but I need more space/alone time.

thanks all for your patience with my slow-moving posts!

[BasementDweller]

Hi, Pearl -

How's it going over there? The story I wanted to share with you - I typed it on my work computer, and saved it there. I don't go back to the office until tomorrow, but I will send it then. :-) No worries on the slow replies. I don't use this site when my partner is around either. That would prove disastrous.