jaded , I think ... not sure how I should have responded

[StormySkies]

So,  prolonged raging at me because I got my hair cut.   

We've been together 20+ years,  I had long hair when we met - mostly because I was in the military and we only get a few mins "recovery time" after morning exercise to get showered and in uniform , to the chow hall for breakfast and report for duty.   Long hair could be braided and put up to military standards while still wet.   Once I got out - all different lengths, colors , styles over the years... .but I've always thought of myself as more of a short hair girl.    When I look at pictures of myself ver the years,  I always think I look much better when my hair is short.

Recently,  I had let it get longer out of well, apathy I think more than anything.   Short hair requires more trips to the salon and I've felt like I didn't deserve something nice like that,  guilt over spending money on myself.   And of course,  being accused of cheating happens a lot (even though I have never even considered it really)

I had an appt yesterday to get my roots done and instead of a trim,  decided to get a cute med.  layered type cut.    I felt so pretty and a little bit sassy when I left the salon.   The stylist and the other women working there remarked on how good I looked in shorter hair, how it really plays up my eyes and nice cheekbones... .   I haven't been wearing lipstick recently because I've gotten invisalign ( to correct bite issues in the back not cosmetic reasons) and lipstick seems to end up all over the braces.   So stil feeling sassy and pretty - I treated myself to an expensive stay-put type lipstick at the Sephora next to the salon.  In a beautiful, happy pink not the nudes and mocha colors I normally buy.   I picked my daughter up at school and she said "oh, mommy - you look so pretty!"

H came home and ignored the cut entirely until later that evening when I went to run an errand and nasty comments were made about how he hoped who ever I had gotten my hair cut for was impressed because he wasn't... .I ignored and went on my errands.   Got the silent treatment the rest of the night... .

Then raging before I even got in a cup of coffee.   Basically - I cut my hair to get or for someone else.  Or that I cut my hair out of spite because I "try to take away anything that he enjoys in life".    I told him - it's very hot and humid here (recently moved to the South ) and I wanted it off my neck,   I have to blow dry it here everytime it gets wet or it is a awful fizzy mess and it's not fun to blow dry when it's so hot,   I am nearing menopause - my hair keeps breaking,  thinning and looks a bit scraggly long,   I just felt like a change, etc...      So yeah,  I crazy JADE'ed, right?   

The things he said were so mean,  and I feel so ugly now.   Like I don't even want to go out until this horrible, ugly haircut grows out. 

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[CryWolf]

It does get terribly humid and disgusting in the south. You have every right to cut your hair and feel pretty. I’m sorry your husband didn’t appreciate it and made you feel belittled about such a minor thing. I believe you did well with setting a boundary, and as for jading im not entiry sure. Because you didn’t “validate the invalidate” but perhaps you could have said, “hey honey, I’m sorry you feel that I got my haircut for someone else, but I can assure you that is not the case. The weather is getting humid and I did it for that reason” he may still of gotten mad after this but perhaps not as mad.

I’m new to learning not to jade so I hope someone with More understanding can chime in here.

The reason your partner got upset and accused you of the hairstyle change is because it seems like a drastic change for him and his fear of abandonment comes in. Once he saw the haircut his mind went haywire and the scenarios came into place. And the person with BPD unfortunately feels that feelings are facts in certain aspects. And this most likely was one of them.

How are things looking at the moment between you too?