offer of consideration

[greenyard]

Hello bpdfamily. You all have been very supportive of me in the past months. I want to tank everyone.

Here are the previous postings if you care to read up.
1st post https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322528.0
2nd post https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322849.0

This is my 3rd posting.

Quick recap:
- I love my uBPDw very much, and she loves me. We are super unique and compliment each other and have a colorful history.
- My uBPDw has been violent and physically abusive since October 2017, and emotionally abusive since 2011. We were married in 2010. We are now in our 30s with no children but have a sizable retirement package from my current job (tech start up and I don't want destroy this in a divorce).
- I filed for divorce in Dec 2017 (did not know what BPD was at the time but suspected it) due to physical violence and assault
- Cancelled divorce in Feb 2018 to reconcile
- More assault and physical abuse occurred... .I got an ex parte PO to kick her out early March.
- Late March she threatened to file a PO on me (with accusations of rape and attempted murder) the night before my PO hearing, I caved and cancelled the PO. Now we have an agreed Temporary Protective Order (same contents as my ex-parte PO) but part of a divorce petition that she filed.
- We haven't talked since early March. She is now with her family out of state 800 miles away.

I've been gaining strength and happiness while being alone. It's really good. I'm much more productive at work and getting lots done. Everyone at work notices how different I am, how I'm much more humorous and fun. I've been exercising almost daily and also started crossfit. I'm trying hard to get back into awesome shape (I used to be a marathon runner but injured my back so I don't run anymore, just cycle).

Generally, I'm pretty happy. But I'm very lonely. I come home to an empty 4 bedroom house. The garden is untended with weeds growing in it. I keep the house clean, and the grass short but the house has lost it's warmth. It's just sad... .

Last week I started to think about giving her the option to save the marriage. By option, I mean that I would consider a relationship with her if she does a bunch of work and jump through some hoops. This was an idea that FormFlier suggested in my 1st post. So a few days ago I typed up a letter and showed it to my L. He says, in his 37 years of practice hasn't seen anyone do this. But he supports me.

Basically the contents of the letter summarizes as such:
- It's taken me since March to regain inner peace.
- I kicked you out of the house because you were violent and tried to get all the parts to the gun that I disassembled [she pointed a gun at me in Oct 2017]
- I miss you and still love you. I will consider a relationship with you based on the following:
1. You see a PhD level psychologist with 15 years minimum experience, and experience with DBT. Give you an evaluation and diagnose or rule out cluster B personality disorders, and any other disorders. Get a treatment plan, and get to work on it. Your psych works with my T. My T will keep me appraised of progress. At this point, I will consider the report from the professionals. If it's not a good outlook, I leave the relationship.
2. You make written apology for all the assault and violence (citing specific incidents, not generic "I'm sorry for assaulting you all those times" and promise in writing you wont do it again EVER. (My L suggested that her L may not allow this due to self incrimination. I suggested an NDA. Not sure what to do here. I'm also thinking about attaching automatic consequences, as in, if she assaults me again in the future, its immediate divorce and I get 70% settlement or something like that).
3. If and when our professionals decide it's safe for us to reunite, we can. It will take months, maybe up to 6 months to get to this point. We reunite and go to an intensive marriage weekend session, like at the Gottman institute (costs like $10,000). If it works out there, we renew vows.
4. Redeem yourself by making apology to friends and family for issues.

- Choice to walk down the path is yours. I wont force anything. You do all the work, I will support from a distance and really only in a financial capacity. If you don't want to do this, I wont stop the divorce.

Along with this letter, I will give an option to chose an easy settlement. Nice 6 figures of cash. Round numbers. To indicate that I'm serious about allowing the divorce.

So there you have it. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? OR is it a bad idea? I love her, I feel lonely now, but I definitely don't want to live with FOG anymore, EVER AGAIN. I don't know if she will ever get better and return to the ideal state that she was when we first met... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Speck]

So there you have it. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? OR is it a bad idea? I love her, I feel lonely now, but I definitely don't want to live with FOG anymore, EVER AGAIN. I don't know if she will ever get better and return to the ideal state that she was when we first met... .

Nice terms. You could give it a go. I like the way you've left the ball in her court.


-Speck

[ArleighBurke]

It's probably worth a try - you really have nothing to lose.

But do you want HER back in your life? Or just SOMEONE?

Loneliness is painful. It would be great if you could find someone else to love - for now. Start a relationship with a woman - it doesn't have to be sexual - but someone who you can really enjoy the company of. Yes - it's an affair (either emotional or physical). And if you do get back with your ex she may not be able to cope with it so you need to consider it. But your ex's progress (if she does try) will take months. Use this time to explore the world, explore yourself, see what "other" women are like. I just fear this is your loneliness talking... .

[greenyard]

Thanks for the feedback folks!

It's probably worth a try - you really have nothing to lose.

But do you want HER back in your life? Or just SOMEONE?

Loneliness is painful. It would be great if you could find someone else to love - for now. Start a relationship with a woman - it doesn't have to be sexual - but someone who you can really enjoy the company of. Yes - it's an affair (either emotional or physical). And if you do get back with your ex she may not be able to cope with it so you need to consider it. But your ex's progress (if she does try) will take months. Use this time to explore the world, explore yourself, see what "other" women are like. I just fear this is your loneliness talking... .

Do I want HER or just SOMEONE? Good question. I want part of her, the good part. Not the damaged BPD part. There's also a substantial financial aspect tied to our relationship, my shares in the tech startup that's really blossomed. It's no joke 7 figures. Divorce would force me to cash out close to half of that destroying early retirement. If finances were simpler, I would definitely walk away from her. So it's not just the loneliness.

But, if the FOG and violence are a definite thing in our future, I will gladly give up the funds and delay retirement.

[BasementDweller]

I understand feeling lonely, and sad that things have gone so awry. I think your proposal is a good one, and I hope you are able to make it work, and she follows through on her part - if that's the path that you end up going down.

I absolutely do not recommend having an affair. There is zero good that can come of that, unless you are absolutely certain that you never want your wife to be a part of your life again. If you do end up inevitably divorcing (say she refuses the agreement) then file the divorce and tell her the truth that you are going to move on with your life, and start dating again. And let her go if you do, in fact, actively began seeking that course of action.

Offering her a chance to reconcile, then having an affair while she either considers your offer, or possibly starts the work you have asked her to do would be an unfair thing to do, and ruin any chance of an eventual reconciliation. No person, even one without BPD would feel ok about that, and it would haunt the relationship for the rest of your days together if you choose to re-unite with her. There is also a better than massive chance that if she knew you were seeing someone else after offering her a chance to reconcile, she will not only refuse to ever reconcile - she will up her game in the divorce battle. If you decide to take this time to "explore other women" then you have made the decision to leave your wife. Just tell her that's your choice if it is, and withdraw the proposal.

If you want to be with her, give her a chance to consider your proposal. If you decide you do NOT want to be with her, (or she decides that) then do be honest about your intent to date someone else and make a clean break. Or make a clean break first, then you don't have to disclose that, as the relationship would be properly over. The situation is already complex enough as it is. An affair would be disastrous. Does this make sense? Can you put yourself in the place of being the partner wanting a second chance, then being offered one, only to find out that your partner started seeing someone else in the interim? I really do hope you find a peaceful resolution. I remember when we talked earlier after your first post about this escalation. It's been a very rough go of things for you, and no matter how messed up our BPD partners may be - to lose them isn't really all that easy - especially when we love their good sides which are usually many.

[Tattered Heart]

Thanks for the feedback folks!

Do I want HER or just SOMEONE? Good question. I want part of her, the good part. Not the damaged BPD part.

Before proceeding it's important to clearly grasp that trying to continue the relationship doesn't mean you get just the good part. You get the damaged BPD part too. She is mentally ill. SHe can't just fix it. Sure, she may agree to go to therapy, but that just helps her learn new coping skills. It won't make BPD go away. Are you comfortable with that? WHat would this look like for you if even after DBT she still dysregulates?

I think your terms are good. Not sure if that is the exact wording you will use to make those requests of her. If so, she may not take it very well. It seems a little forceful and controlling. Could you use softer language? Less accusatory language?

[toomanydogs]

I agree with TatteredHeart & BasementDweller.
In my situation, my STBX cheated on me. I would never be able to trust him--BPD or not. The hurt was way too deep. If he'd asked me to reconcile and then cheat, the hurt and betrayal would be a hundred fold.
I agree with TatteredHeart that you might try a rewrite on the letter and soften your language. Specifically, you might use first person more, e.g.: "I have difficulty forgiving the abuse, and before we could possibly reconcile, I'd need to forgive. One way of enabling my forgiveness is to enter marriage counseling. I love you. I don't want to lose you. However, your illness frequently makes a relationship difficult. How would you feel... ."

That tone is only is you truly want to reconcile. I understand an empty house. I have 4 bedrooms and a 2-bedroom guest house that I now share with too many dogs and cats. At first, I thought I wanted my H back, but I really needed--still need--someone who could see the impact of his behavior, take responsibility for it, and apologize and meant that apology. He can't.

And, as I wrote at the beginning, the betrayal is too deep. Even with a true apology, I'm not sure I could take him back. He never hit me, but he did go after my elderly dog. My life was chaotic with him. Now it's a little quiet. I'm probably older than you, and this stage in my life, I'll go with quiet.

However, not sure I'd opt for quiet if I were 20 years younger. I'd want someone to share my home, my life. Either decision is valid, but I would remember that if you reconcile, you'll be getting the bad along with the good. And if you want to reconcile, I'd soften your tone in your letter.
 
TMD

[greenyard]

Thank you all for the nice responses.

I will try to soften the letter a bit and use more "I" statements.

I will also not have an affair if she chooses to reconcile. BPD or not, that would not be right.

More comments when I get off work... .

[juju2]

Hi,

You are in a difficult position for sure.

The only experience I have is was hit twice, left arm, two different times, we had been living together for 3 yrs, known each other 4 yrs at that point.

He is in recovery, a 12 step program.  I asked him to call his sponsor.  And him and his sponsor agreed that he didn't hit me, it was more on the lines of a tap.(?)

During that time, 2011, I had no awareness, no acceptance, of his disorder, even though he shared his dx w me when we first met.  I didn't think that BPD could be that big of a deal, especially since he was dealing with it... .

Fast forward, we are separated march 2017, because i never dealt w my codependency issues, and my attitude was, he is causing my life to be miserable.  It's his fault.


  We discussed a separation for healing.
He remembers it differently than me, he has it like i kicked him out.  Still I had no learning around my issue or his BPD.  He started dating 6 months ago, I got into this board - studied, started to work on myself, went to alanon, am on step 11, have a sponsor, lost 50 lbs (fm not eating very much)... .  now we see eachother once a week, I am not sure what is actually happening w our relationship, and am willing to not be sure, just for today.

The best things that help me stay sane are working on myself, not asking him questions, getting to my truth, reading/posting here, finding put what my goals and strategies are.  I can't count on him doing what I want.

Am on the inquiry.  I am a student here.

The tools help me a lot also.  Also, what helped is finding my path by pausing, reflecting, letting information percolate.  I don't have to take any action Right Now.  If i feel compelled to do something! That is a red flag for me to check in with myself.  What is my attitude.

What do i want for myself and my life.  What's up with me?

When I change, get healthy, be positive, my world changes.  It's a lot of self care, too.  None of this can be done in a day.

You are in the right place for healing, help and hope,
juju

[greenyard]

After significant review/edits with my lawyer and family, the letter was sent last week... .Got word a few days ago from her that it's rejected. I'm a little sad but at the same time relieved to know that I did EVERYTHING I could do to save the relationship and maintain self respect and self protection.

Now I've moved on to a a financial settlement offer, hopefully she'll accept that or wont squabble too much.

If we end of going to mediation, I might ask her again to reconsider the relationship, and her future.

We've been apart for 7 weeks now. I miss her tremendously. But, I'm much more stable and productive at work, although I've been burning the midnight oil preparing responses for her Discovery request. I somewhat regret putting the protective order on her initially... .But there's no telling when the abuse would stop, even if I moved out of the house, which is something that I tried before, albeit executed with poor enforcement of boundaries.

Anyway, here we are... .apart. It saddens me to think that our financial future is getting destroyed, she will be without good healthcare and insurance... .I worry about her. I worry about being lonely... .