Confused, conflicted, in love and trying to protect myself. Desperate.

[TheBestLife]

Hi. My wife has BPD. Diagnosed and aware. Although not accepting. She is accepting of her bipolar (finally). She goes to weekly counseling and I see improvements. Lots. What i am battling most with is... .myself. I let her emotionally roller coasters control me for so long that I am struggling to gain control of my own emotions anymore. Outside of home i have it all under control. But my anxiety drastically increases as I approach Home Just in fear I’m going to walk into a hurricane. Do those feelings stop? I too go to the counselor and I have read the books. Stop walking on eggshells etc... .and I know I’m learning... .but please share with me what helped you? I’m desperate. We are 29 and 30 and contemplating kids (my life dream). And I’m struggling with it. I’m struggling with having faith in myself that I’m strong enough to handle this all. Please give me input. Challenge me, question me, anything. Please.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi TheBestLife,

Nice to hear from you! Glad you have joined us.

I’ve felt high levels of stress and anxiety in the past; it is easier to manage now that my SO is taking medication and there is more of the calmness I crave at home.

While my living situation does not allow to me to follow all of the “best practices” that I would like to, I think I have a basic sense of what they are!

Self-care matters a lot, but it does vary from person to person. Have you ever tried meditation? I’m doing 10-20 minutes everyday this month to reestablish this as a habit, and just those deep breaths are helping me to heal and recover from some highly stressful months. This could help with calming your emotions. I'm doing because it helps me be more patient, and have slower reaction times in stressful situations.

Is there anything you could do to make your home feel more inviting and less dreadful? Happy to brainstorm with you! Hope others will join us and share their ideas as well!

with compassion, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi TheBestLife, let me join pearlsw in welcoming you.  You have come to right place for support.

I know exactly where you are. A lot of my anxiety comes from the fact that my uBPDw (undiagnosed BPD wife) and I do have two young kids and that chaos on top of the BPD can be a very scary thing to come home to (not saying don't have kids). I never know if you're walking into smiles and dinner on the table or an absolute hurricane as you put it.

There's a lot you can do to cope but it's helpful to first hear about what BPD traits your wife has and how it usually plays out when she is triggered. And how did she come by the diagnosis?

~ROE

[Enabler]

Howdy TheBestLife,

My personal understanding of anxiety boils down to fear... .fear of something:
- Has she self harmed
- Is she going to be in a bad mood
- Will I be ignored
- Will she threaten to divorce me
- Will she hurt me
- Will she shout at me, accuse me of things that are not true
- Is she having an affair
So, I fear something being taken away from me and I fear being hurt emotionally/physically. My guess is your anxiety manifests itself with physical symptoms so you can identify it. Symptoms such as:
- Ringing or deafening in the ears and or feeling like your brain is expanding in your skull
- Sore and painful eyes (again, as though there is a pressure in your skull).
- Leg twinges, possibly even a vibrating sensation in your buttocks and legs
- Sickening feeling
- Racing heart, almost to the point where you worry about it
- Acute feeling of hypervigilence and alertness
These physical symptoms are caused by the release of cortisone, the fight or flight hormone. It's a direct response to FEAR. It's designed to ready yourself to run away or attack... .but of course you are not going to run away or attack, you are going into your own home where your lovely (dream) wife is going to be. Your body is telling you to run, your head says go into my home. (Interestingly this is exactly the same conflict an abused child has with their parents, I want to draw near to someone who causes me pain... .I hate you, don't leave me).

1) Identify that you're experiencing anxiety, recognize the physical symptoms, make a mental note of them.
2) Talk to yourself, ask yourself what it is you are afraid of, what outcome, experience or impact do you fear. Get to the root cause of where your fear comes from.
3) Ask yourself what would happen if that fear came to fruition, what's the worst that could happen and how would you deal with that situation in an adult, calm, calculated way.
4) If it's an accusation or an insinuation you might receive, ask yourself if you are within the realms of normal, do you behave in an abnormal way... .we all make mistakes, EVERYONE, so making a mistake is not abnormal. Ask yourself if you have done your best today given the circumstances.
5) Concentrate on the very base level survival mechanisms of your body and your surroundings. Breath slowly and purposefully, feel the air go in and think about the smallest detail of your surroundings, like "oww, the blossom is out on the trees"... .base yourself.
6) when you get near the home, take your time and SLOOW EVERYTHING DOWN to a crawl.
7) Ignore specifics of anything for 5 minutes and make yourself some space. If things are tense, go and get changed, spend some time grounding yourself and preparing yourself with inner calmness. Whatever she says, she can wait just 5 minutes. It's not your problem, you have just arrived home. "hey hon, just going to get changed, be down in a mo".

For me, it's about grounding yourself, not expecting the worst but preparing your mind that nothing is as bad as your body is telling you. Trick your mind with positive feelings and then creating emotional space for yourself to adjust to the current situation. Your emotional armor is education, learn about you, learn about her, but avoid telling her. If she shouted at you every day for 20 years when you got home from work, then was lovely for the rest of the evening, my guess is you would be able to deal with that... .it's the fact you don't know.