Pretending like it never happened

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mother gave me a six-week silent treatment, and when she surfaced she was in attack mode and accused me of everything under the sun and was just generally as nasty as possible. Four days later, she called again and was "normal" and not a word was said, is if nothing had ever happened. I didn't bring it up, of course. Does it sound like a bit of psychopathy is creeping in, or is this the "normal" order of a BPD meltdown?  This whole cycle was so scary, that I'm afraid it's morphing into some other disorder, or perhaps some dementia may be sneaking in.

[WalkingWounded]

My mother gave me a six-week silent treatment, and when she surfaced she was in attack mode and accused me of everything under the sun and was just generally as nasty as possible. Four days later, she called again and was "normal" and not a word was said, is if nothing had ever happened. I didn't bring it up, of course. Does it sound like a bit of psychopathy is creeping in, or is this the "normal" order of a BPD meltdown?  This whole cycle was so scary, that I'm afraid it's morphing into some other disorder, or perhaps some dementia may be sneaking in.

[CollectedChaos]

Hi WalkingWounded!

I'm sorry to hear about your mom's latest meltdown.  My mom has acted very similarly in the past, so I understand where you're coming from in thinking it's pretty scary.  Dementia may play a role, but I don't believe my mom to have any dementia (aside from the memory issues that align with alcoholism) and I've seen the same pattern happen over and over again throughout the years. 

I remember back when I was a kid and my parents would fight - she would hurl the worst insults at my dad, and the next morning she'd be happy and chipper and act as though nothing happened.  She's done it to me on many occasions as well over the years.  I know that if I were to ever call her out on what she said or did during that last argument, she would immediately go on the defense and act as though I was mis-remembering or flat out lying.  I think for her it was more of a defense mechanism than anything else - if she acted like things were okay, maybe no one would question it and just move past the fight.  And if it were questioned, she could be the victim and act as though she was being attacked.  It's child-like in the sense that if a kid hides something, they assume their parents won't find out and things will be okay.  I can't say for certain what her actual thought process is behind it, but that's my assumption. 

Hang in there 

[Harri]

Hello WalkingWounded.  It can be crazy making when they act like nothing ever happened. 

I can't say for certain but I think 'forgetting' is fairly typical for pwBPD.  BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation and they will frequently use various defense mechanisms to deny and avoid their feelings, take responsibility and see themselves and their actions and how they can affect others.  That is not to say there are not other issues involved as well.  Co-morbidity and aging issues can also play a part and further complicate matters.

What do you think would happen if you were to bring up the incident?  More denial?  Another round of dysregulation and/or silence?  It sounds like you are able to maintain your own reality of what happened which is good.  Often we can struggle with accepting our own perceptions.

[WalkingWounded]

What do you think would happen if you were to bring up the incident?  More denial?  Another round of dysregulation and/or silence?  It sounds like you are able to maintain your own reality of what happened which is good.  Often we can struggle with accepting our own perceptions.

If I were to bring it up she would attack me again. Possibly another silent treatment. I can hear it in her voice. The last time she did this it took her a couple of months to fully come "down" from the weeks of silent treatment, so I assume there's a period of adjustment for them from whatever causes them to detach in the first place. The silent treatment just stopped a week ago, so conversations with her don't feel safe, and frankly I get nauseous just from anticipating her phone calls.

[Harri]

and frankly I get nauseous just from anticipating her phone calls.

Okay, I get this.  I remember the anxiety and fear I felt.  What would help you, other than not answering the call, to not feel so anxious?  I have no idea what will work for you.  the only thing I know is what worked for me which was to not avoid and instead confront my fear but only when I was feeling strong and in an okay place emotionally.  Then I reminded myself that when I am in a no win situation, the only thing that ever worked for me was to change the rules and do what was right for me.  Sometimes that meant to go along but more often than not it meant speaking up about my truth.  Never in an effort to be heard because that was never going to happen (and it never did) but to hear myself say no this is not acceptable to me and I will no tolerate your punishing me for being me.  I learned to be okay when my saying things that took care of me and protected me caused her to rage or go into a prolonged silent treatment.  I felt nauseous and the anxiety was incredible often to the point where I dissociated but it was worth it to me and I was able to expect it and tell myself my reactions would calm as I learned to stand up for myself.  Being quiet and not speaking up never kept the nausea, dissociation and anxiety away for me, so why no do something that would ultimately help me?

I don't know what would work for you.  I simply outlined my thought process.  I do believe nothing will change for you until you stop doing what you have always done but never solves anything.

What do you think?   What are some of the fears that arise when you think of changing your response? 

[WalkingWounded]

I don't know what would work for you.  I simply outlined my thought process.  I do believe nothing will change for you until you stop doing what you have always done but never solves anything.

What do you think?   What are some of the fears that arise when you think of changing your response? 

I think in my case the only thing that will make me feel "safe" again is to leave. I'm planning on moving overseas, and until that happens I doubt anything will change for me. I've tried it both ways; speaking up or placating her and "keeping the peace". One approach doesn't really work better than the other, in my case. When I sense her trying to start something, I scramble to change the subject. I'm tired of all of it. This last episode was just too much. and I was making myself physically sick from anxiety.

I was already low contact, as I'd stopped going to her house, even for holidays, a decade ago. However, she's used a drop-in "inspection" as a threat to me before, so until I'm in another country I won't feel safe. At that point, I think I may have to put heavy boundaries up for phone calls and limit those.

I'm glad you found an approach that works for you. I think the most important thing for all of us is to figure out how to protect ourselves and decide how much contact we can tolerate, or if we want any at all. IMO they very rarely get help, and it's impossible to broach the subject unless we want to bring a rage on, so what else can we do?

[CollectedChaos]

Then I reminded myself that when I am in a no win situation, the only thing that ever worked for me was to change the rules and do what was right for me.  Sometimes that meant to go along but more often than not it meant speaking up about my truth.  Never in an effort to be heard because that was never going to happen (and it never did) but to hear myself say no this is not acceptable to me and I will no tolerate your punishing me for being me. 

I think Harri makes a great point with this.  Harri is also correct in that whatever choice you make, the choice ultimately is a choice to change how you handle the situation.  Feeling sick due to anticipation of what could be coming next is a feeling I will never forget, and one that no one should have to live with constantly.  With my mom, I slowly started breaking contact with her (if I got a call or message from her, I stopped answering her, or would wait a day or two to respond).  I found that this action was very freeing - it was like I had never really thought about the fact that I was an adult who was not required to respond to anyone, including her, if I didn't want to.  This, of course, created new problems (I suggest doing some research on extinction bursts), where she would then ramp up her drama in an effort or get me to respond to her, but I held firm with my commitment to myself that I would not react to any of her drama, and if she truly needed an answer to something I would do so when I felt ready.  This action wasn't a outwardly confronting one, but it was enough for me to begin to feel safe and feel as though I had some control over my life.  The more distance I put between myself and her, the more clarity I gained.  I realized how insane and inappropriate our relationship was, and it became easier to hold firm in putting myself first during her outbursts.  I also felt safer in general - I knew that eventually she would call or text with something insane, but it affected me far less.  I am no longer derailed every time I get a message from her, or overrun with anxiety waiting for the next shoe to drop.

[Penny123]

Hello CollectedChaos, your experience of detachment from your Mom sounds good. It's a subtle but effective way of setting boundaries but you set them on yourself not your Mom. I like that idea. I've tried to set boundaries with my BPDMom but it hasn't work very well but if I make some rules for myself, it just might work. Thanks!

[YouHadMeAtHello]

I think Harri makes a great point with this.  Harri is also correct in that whatever choice you make, the choice ultimately is a choice to change how you handle the situation.  Feeling sick due to anticipation of what could be coming next is a feeling I will never forget, and one that no one should have to live with constantly.  With my mom, I slowly started breaking contact with her (if I got a call or message from her, I stopped answering her, or would wait a day or two to respond).  I found that this action was very freeing - it was like I had never really thought about the fact that I was an adult who was not required to respond to anyone, including her, if I didn't want to.  This, of course, created new problems (I suggest doing some research on extinction bursts), where she would then ramp up her drama in an effort or get me to respond to her, but I held firm with my commitment to myself that I would not react to any of her drama, and if she truly needed an answer to something I would do so when I felt ready.  This action wasn't a outwardly confronting one, but it was enough for me to begin to feel safe and feel as though I had some control over my life.  The more distance I put between myself and her, the more clarity I gained.  I realized how insane and inappropriate our relationship was, and it became easier to hold firm in putting myself first during her outbursts.  I also felt safer in general - I knew that eventually she would call or text with something insane, but it affected me far less.  I am no longer derailed every time I get a message from her, or overrun with anxiety waiting for the next shoe to drop.

This is pretty much how I ended up handling my BPD sister.  I got to a point where seeing her name appear in the from section of an email or on my phone immediately sent me into fight or flight mode.  I just couldn't live like that anymore.  I ended up seeing a therapist and that's helped me establish boundaries and ditch the guilt.  I started taking time to respond to my sister and sometimes didn't respond at all.  She did react in a pretty predictable way, right down to the extinction burst. 

WalkingWounded, my sister always pretends like her outbursts didn't happen and she's way too young for dementia.  I wonder if she even remembers her crazy behavior and I suspect that she doesn't.  But, she sure as hell remembers every even slightly hurtful thing everyone else has ever said/done.  Her defense mechanism is to forget her bad and crazy behaviors.  Honestly, if she remembered them all she'd probably really struggle to even leave the house because she's done a lot of very embarrassing things.  I don't think she could process the embarrassment if she was forced to re-live her outbursts so she just pretends they didn't happen.  I think that's very common for pwBPD. 

[peachtree487]

Does it sound like a bit of psychopathy is creeping in, or is this the "normal" order of a BPD meltdown?  This whole cycle was so scary, that I'm afraid it's morphing into some other disorder, or perhaps some dementia may be sneaking in.

I believe this is normal for pwBPD, does not necessarily mean that there is another disorder. Does your mother have any other signs or symptoms of dementia?

My mom has done the exact same thing with "forgetting" all about a big argument, a rage incident, and even after there's been weeks or months of no contact, she calls or visits like nothing ever happened, and does not mention a word about it. I think there is a term for this, I just can't remember what it is right now, but I think it's a defense mechanism, and I read somewhere that sometimes pwBPD actually have no memory of what happened.

It's very easy for family members to not bring it up for discussion when the pwBPD shows up or calls after "forgetting" because everyone is so glad to see them in a good mood and are relieved that the incident is over, and mostly because it's so impossible to have a real discussion with them without it turning into an argument or triggering them - I believe this is a form of "enabling". If any other person besides my uBPD mom were to act this way to me, the first thing I would do is ask them why they are acting like nothing happened, but even the thought of asking my mom scares me.

[WalkingWounded]

It's very easy for family members to not bring it up for discussion when the pwBPD shows up or calls after "forgetting" because everyone is so glad to see them in a good mood and are relieved that the incident is over, and mostly because it's so impossible to have a real discussion with them without it turning into an argument or triggering them - I believe this is a form of "enabling". If any other person besides my uBPD mom were to act this way to me, the first thing I would do is ask them why they are acting like nothing happened, but even the thought of asking my mom scares me.

This is something that is a huge issue for me, because honestly if it were anyone other than my own mother behaving this way I would have nothing to do with them ever again. I don't like the fact that I have to pretend that nothing happened, especially after such a vicious attack as the recent one. You are right about not being able to have a "real discussion"  with them for fear of triggering them again, and I think I'm finally at the point where I'm just fed up with worrying about what's coming at me next, or when/if it will happen again. This last episode really did me in, and I feel "dead" inside toward her. It's sad to have to say that about one's own mother.

As to whether or not there are other signs of dementia, I don't think so. Just the normal moments of forgetfulness of old age, that sort of thing. The only reason I thought there may be something else going on is because the level of rage was beyond the usual, and it came out of nowhere, where in the past it was always precipitated by my standing up for myself, etc.

[CollectedChaos]

It's very easy for family members to not bring it up for discussion when the pwBPD shows up or calls after "forgetting" because everyone is so glad to see them in a good mood and are relieved that the incident is over, and mostly because it's so impossible to have a real discussion with them without it turning into an argument or triggering them - I believe this is a form of "enabling". If any other person besides my uBPD mom were to act this way to me, the first thing I would do is ask them why they are acting like nothing happened, but even the thought of asking my mom scares me.

This is a great point that I completely agree with, but don't think I thought about it quite this way before.  It's totally true that oftentimes it was just a relief that my mom was in a good mood and it wasn't worth rocking the boat and revisiting an old argument.  I find that I do this with everyone in my life, regardless of relationship.  If I have a disagreement with someone, I will actively avoid that topic in future interactions (or will just start avoiding that person altogether) because I fear being brought back into that same situation again.