New to forum but not BPD - Sad and stressed

[JustMe123]

Hi,

I signed up several months ago so I could read the posts, but I figured now would be a good time to do my intro post.  LOL not so much of an intro but a full book on what has been going on.

My husband was diagnosed with BPD within the last two years. In addition to that he has  diagnoses of chronic PTSD, GAD, Social Phobia, OCD and severe MDD. He is 58 and we have been married for almost 22 years.  The first 10 years, everything was relatively perfect.  At the 10 year mark, we had a house fire and 3 young kids and he just sort of cracked and has never really recovered. 

The last three years, have been really really hard for us all.  He decided that the side effects of the medications was just too much to take for the little they did for him.  He has tried the whole alphabet of medications with none really making much of a positive difference.  Having said that, when he totally stopped taking the meds about 2 years ago, everything sort of went into a free fall.  It was apparent that something that he was taking was making some sort of difference.

At the end of January, he tried to overdose on a stockpile of meds (which I was not aware existed).  He drove to a parking lot and basically was just waiting to stop breathing.   Thankfully, he called a sucide lifeline.  He told me he called them because he didn't want to die alone not because he didn't want to die    The sherrif came banging on our door because somehow, they were able to reverse gps him and find out where he lived.  (It will be a LONG time before I will be able to deal with anyone knocking on our door)  I guess they were able to track him down to the parking lot.

I have been incredibly on edge for the last 3 months because I am fully aware that suicide is always on his mind.  He is still only taking the minimal amount of medications.  Within the last couple of weeks, his therapist basically gave him an ultimatium.  He has to go to DBT group or she will not be his therapist anymore.  He tried three different session but the stress of going to the sessions was just way too over the top for him.  He decided that he wouldn't be going anymore.  Soo... .he no longer has a therapist at the moment.  He was supposed to have a session today.  He is currently in bed because he can't cope.  He feels abandoned and worthless.

This past weekend was really rough.  The discussion was heavily leaning to take him to the local hospital.  I had told him that if he decided to grab his keys and bolt, I would be calling 911 as soon as he was gone.  That kept him at home thankfully.

I am lucky.  We have a business so I can alter my schedule to be more on call and provide the watchful eye.  I will get him committed him if I think he is showing signs of loss of the ability to logic himself back into a "I'm going to hold on a bit longer" state of mind.

I have a gps tracker on his car so I can relax just a teeny bit.  I know I can't stop him if he chooses to attempt again, but at least I will know where he is so I can get help to me sooner rather than later. 

He has a psychiatrist visit today, so hopefully he will get back on some meds that will help level him out.  It is ironic... .once upon a time, I hoped that we would find a magic pill that would make him like he was during the original 10 years, but now I would be happy with absolutely miserable but not suicidal.   BPD really changes your hope level over time. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Justme123,

Glad you finally decided to post! There is a lot to take in here on the site, a lot to learn, but it’s great when people put in a toe in to ask for some support and then begin to offer others support too. Big welcome!

I can relate to some of what you describe. My SO was talking about killing himself just yesterday. Since a more dramatic effort in these regards a month or so back I’ve been a lot more on edge when he brings this topic up now.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It seems like my SO has been sleeping (a lot) and drinking (more than usual to the point he’s worried about being addicted) for the past four months now. Since he started taking medication he’s improved a lot, but still…life is less than ideal, though there are sometimes bright spots.

You mean he feels abandoned by his therapist? Will he go with a new one?

Let me say he is really lucky to have you. It sounds like you are handling this well, all things considered, and have a good plan in place. Nevertheless you need support too - no matter how "strong" I'm guessing people see you as.  

I have only dealt with someone who is suicidal, I have not experienced the other side of this, a suicide. Let me assure you now that you are not responsible for this if it gets worse. It sounds like you are doing all you possibly can.  

Lastly, very sorry to hear about the fire! That must have been very traumatic for all!

with compassion, pearl.

[JustMe123]

Hi pearlsw,

My husband is a drinker too.  He uses it to help him sleep as he suffers from horrendous nightmares and sleep paralysis.  I honestly don't think it makes that big of a difference though. 

He felt abandoned by this therapist because she stuck to her boundary this time and didn't appear to be listening to what he was saying about how the DBT was making him feel.  Unfortunately, to me, it appears that she was wavery with her boundaries in the past so this was a little of a surprise to her.  She has been his counselor for over 2 years.   It appears that the issue may not be an issue though now.  The psychiatrist visit basically said that he had to stay in BPD group and continue counseling in order for her to treat him.  She is a good listener though and he came home in an okay mood.  It was a little surreal actually because I would have thought for sure it would have pushed him over the edge. 

LOL he is playing games where the therapist is concerned though.  He is very bitter and isn't going to let her know that he is going back to group.  Not yet at least.  I highly doubt that he will go looking for a different therapist because recounting his history is traumatic for him.

The good thing is that I know this isn't my fault.  We have been lucky with his BPD.  He is not aggressive towards us and doesn't do any sort of blame throwing.  I think that makes it easier for me to try and figure out how to make this work for all our best interests.  I am also very open with my kids.  They know what is going on and if dad loses his head over something that really isn't a "big deal", they will need to temper his reaction a bit.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi JustMe123, let me join pearlsw in welcoming you on your first post!  

I admire the optimism you have maintained in the face of what must obviously be an intensely stressful situation. My uBPDw (undiagnosed BPD wife) has made suicide numerous threats over the years but they have stayed at that and I don't honestly think she would ever follow through. She also has a recurring alcohol problem.

My first question is what you are doing to care for yourself amid the chaos? It must be so emotionally draining to to deal with a nearly 24/7 suicide watch and I wonder how you recharge.

If your kids were little around twelve years ago they might be almost grown by now. How old are they and any still at home? How is the situation effecting them?

Please hang in there! The community here has your back.  

~ROE

[JustMe123]

Hi Roe,

It has taken me awhile to get to a place where I started figuring my care into all this chaos.

Actually, I would guess I started being important in only the last 2 months or so.  Before that I was just plugging along.   The realization that this crap just got REAL threw me into a tailspin after his attempt.  I needed to go and make an effort to find a tribe of my own.  I have always (long before meeting him) been an introverted hermit and I like only have one or two people as friends.  He was one of them and I was okay with that arrangement until he couldn't be there really for me anymore.

So, since his attempt, I have started going to a NAMI support group twice a month; Started attending a monthly meetup group that is a self help coaching group;  Signed up for a mindfulness workshop that is in June.  I also have started meditating every day.  I was seeing a counselor, but that has come to an end.    He was a good counselor but he really wasn't helping in providing ideas on how to cope with the BPD behavior stuff.  I really need a therapist that treats BPD people so they can give me a "how to" guide to his behaviors.   I've been reading up on BPD online and in books (Stop Walking on Eggshells, Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing).  The books are a slow go.  I just don't seem to have the will / attention span to sit down and do lots of reading.   And, I've started coming here and reading posts and articles

We have three kids.  The oldest is 21 and will be a senior in college next year.  She's got a lot of her dad in her.  She doesn't have the diagnosis of BPD, but has lots of the traits that make it hard for her to cope.  She is planning on heading into a phD program once she graduates.  It is so awesome to see her have that drive, but as the one she comes to with her melt downs, I know how hard a rigorous program like that will be for her.  She needs coping and regulation skills to get through it all.   I was pushing an online course for her that is a ":)BT informed psychoeducational class".  No way I would be able to get her to go to a DBT Group so this was the second best thing.   The great thing about the class, so far, is that she does see the value and actually ends up laughing because the examples that the teacher gives are SO her.   She's seeing the value in the course and realizes that she needs to do something if she wants to succeed at her goal.     She is an internalizer and really doesn't cope well with me talking about her Dad's issues.  I do put it out there so she won't be blindsided if he ends up in the hospital again but other than that, she doesn't want to talk about it all.

We also have two boys at home, ages almost 16 and almost 18.   It is harder with them because they see it up close and personal.  There is a free flow of information with them though.  I see what the "hush hush, me mustn't talk about that" does to a person.  My husband's father committed suicide when he as 16.  (The same age as my youngest  ) and they refused to talk about it at all.  Not gonna happen on my watch.  They are informed about the illness and what could happen.  Sucks because no kid should have to deal with issues like this but it is what it is.

 

[RolandOfEld]

Hi JustMe123, big kudos to you for working to build your support network. I had never heard of NAMI before. Shame I am not living in the US right now!

My husband's father committed suicide when he as 16.  (The same age as my youngest  ) and they refused to talk about it at all.  Not gonna happen on my watch.  They are informed about the illness and what could happen.  Sucks because no kid should have to deal with issues like this but it is what it is.

I am totally with you on making sure there is open communication about what's happening at home. I try to be open with my son (5 years old) about when I am sad and that there's nothing wrong with it. If their mother's situation doesn't improve as they get older I will be honest with them about it rather than hide to from them. It gets me into a very miserable state of mind thinking about how S5 and D2 have to deal with a mother with BPD and a father who is often falling apart. But it's like you say: "it is what it is," and I can still do my absolute best within the situation. And I'm sure a mother as emotionally strong and stable as you are has been a great model for them. I'm trying to be that kind of dad.

~ROE

[JustMe123]

Hi Roe,

What country are you living in?  Usually there is some sort of support groups as the stress and rigor needed to deal with Mental Health issues is not something that is limited to the US.  My therapist didn't even know what NAMI was     I was really surprised so maybe you do have something local to you too.

And I'm sure a mother as emotionally strong and stable as you are

Well... .LOL it took me a long time to get to some semblance of this.  Along the way, I learned to put myself as part of the care formula.   It was really hard in the beginning.  When all this started, my two youngest were about the age of your two are. 

Keep putting yourself in the care formula too.  You will get there.  Love them the best that you can where you are and aim for more stability for you.   Ultimately, you have no control over how your wife is at any given moment, but you do over how you are.