We got drunk, her male friend lives with her, we all ended up in bed

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Sigh, here goes, after a year apart, me trying to forget her and getting over her and the depression and anxiety,,, it's just started getting better,, then she contacts me, invites me round for a drink and I'm stupid enough to go. I was with her for 3 years, we split just under a year ago. She's since been engaged, slept with at least half a dozen guys, that she's told me about. And of course her engagement was with an abuser, the worst, just like every bf before me, just like I'm certain she told him I was like. I know her game, I can see the lies, the subtle comments that stuck in the mind. ...
And way, we got drunk , her male friend lives with her now,, we both ended up ___ing her. I've never done anything like it before, it was hot, n we were all drunk, but now he's shown a bit of jealous, she came and stopped with me for 2nights n we ___ed again. Now she's gone to her flat with him. And I feel disgusted. At myself, at her. She's turned into a total ___ and it hurts cz I still have feelings. I know I shouldn't have gone round, I know I shouldn't have even let her talk to me after emotional and physical abuse she inflicted on me. I'm trying act cool, like I don't even know her, like I was before she contacted me again. But my gut is churning my mind is racing and I hate it. I hate her.

[oz geary]

Sigh, here goes, after a year apart, me trying to forget her and getting over her and the depression and anxiety,,, it's just started getting better,, then she contacts me, invites me round for a drink and I'm stupid enough to go. I was with her for 3 years, we split just under a year ago. She's since been engaged, slept with at least half a dozen guys, that she's told me about. And of course her engagement was with an abuser, the worst, just like every bf before me, just like I'm certain she told him I was like. I know her game, I can see the lies, the subtle comments that stuck in the mind. ...
And way, we got drunk , her male friend lives with her now,, we both ended up ___ing her. I've never done anything like it before, it was hot, n we were all drunk, but now he's shown a bit of jealous, she came and stopped with me for 2nights n we ___ed again. Now she's gone to her flat with him. And I feel disgusted. At myself, at her. She's turned into a total ___ and it hurts cz I still have feelings. I know I shouldn't have gone round, I know I shouldn't have even let her talk to me after emotional and physical abuse she inflicted on me. I'm trying act cool, like I don't even know her, like I was before she contacted me again. But my gut is churning my mind is racing and I hate it. I hate her.

[oz geary]

I've dealt with depression and loneliness since she's been gone and I've coped. Now she's been back and gone again I feel more empty than ever. Has she no clue what she does to men? Does she do it on purpose? I wanna call her just to feel something! My whole body is saying run. My gut feelings r of danger. But I can't mentally detach. I hadn't done by the time she got back in touch. What now when she calls again?

[lighthouse9]

Hey Oz,

I'm so sorry you're feeling wrecked inside from this experience. Sex always complicates things, right? On one hand, we can feel compelled to be involved again intimately and feel that high, then on the other it can sometimes leave us feeling as you said "disgusted."

I'd like to encourage you to think about your sexual boundaries, with her and anyone else. We all have very different views on what is and isn't ok for us, and that's a constantly moving target in my opinion (hence the need to always get consent). It sounds like in the moment that you had a really good time trying something new, but that the aftermath has been really difficult emotionally. Also, alcohol can absolutely complicate this.

Are you looking to detach again? We're all human Oz, and the recycles happen. No one can really answer for you if she does it on purpose or not, but you might ask yourself the same thing - why did you respond when she contacted? Was there something you were looking for there? Did it feel safe? Did you feel out of control when you heard from her?

I know I've felt a bit wobbly and off my mark when I used to hear from an ex who sounds similar to yours. Total vixen, with enough sex appeal to bring just about anyone to their knees. Like you, I had an experience with her that felt ok in the moment but then totally wrecked me after the fact. I realized later that I had crossed one of my own sexual boundaries and that I couldn't let myself do that ever again. I still shiver to think about that day.

So, I'm going to flip your last question back on you - what now when she calls again? Where are you willing to go and not willing to go, emotionally, sexually, etc with her?

[oz geary]

Thank u for your kind response. When she contacted me I felt afraid. My gut knotted up and I knew it was bad for me but even after a year, I'm still not over her! I'm a wreck of a man compared to what I was. Isolated, no friends, no job, depressed, anxious, lost weight, need therapy.
So of course if she gets in touch I'm gonna b up for that. It's not the act that made me disgusted, I could do that again with a slut I didn't care about. What made me sick is doing it with her coz I'm still attached.
I don't think she will call again. We got drunk again lastnight and the old BPDxgf came out. I remembered why I left her in the first place and I told her exactly what I think of her. But if she contacts me again,,, I want to ignore her and not think of her and just forget and get in with my life,,, but I don't know if I will be able to.

[lighthouse9]

Hey Oz,

I'm sorry you have that big knot in your gut and that it's been hard to detach. We all get it here, so keep writing.

It's no fun feeling like you know what you want (to ignore her and not think of her and just forget and get on with my life) and also know that you might find ways to resist it when it comes time to put it into action.

When you say that you're a wreck of a man compared to what you were - I think a lot of us can empathize with that, too. I'm starting to see pieces of myself coming back and it feels amazing, but it hasn't come without really hard work.

Can I ask, why did you leave her in the first place? You mentioned this and it sounds like you have a good sense of it. Care to share?

[oz geary]

It's a long story. In the end I left her coz I realised that if I didn't my life would b misery. Sure she's beautiful and amazing in bed, but she drinks and gets violent, there is always some drama, I was being kept awake all night being called name's, having my family insulted being character assassinated. She hit me, threatened suicide, raged at me, slowly isolated me from friends, made me distrust my family... .Read my previous posts, I've been on here for years

[lighthouse9]

That's awful Oz, I'm so sorry you went through something so abusive. I'll definitely read through your old posts.

How are you feeling today?

[oz geary]

Thanks lighthouse. Well lastnight she stayed at mine, we drank, then she turned into her old self. Started shouting at me, not letting me speak in return by shouting over me. I couldn't finish a sentence. She called me name's, called my family. Then turned it off, started trying to snog my face off but I wasn't happy so I stopped her. Then she just went bed n I stayed up trying process ___ went bed next to her, woke up this morning she's gone. I called her n we fell out over the phone.
She claims to not remember any of it.
It's just took me back to how we were near the end of our relationship. That ended a year ago, it's taken me alot to get where I was n now I'm back to square one. Well maybe not square one but it's deffo messed me up and set me back

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Oz,

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with these recent events.  I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason.  Perhaps what you needed was that glimpse again of how things were and to remember, as lighthouse9 raised, exactly WHY you left her.  I know this is a rough time for you right now, yet it could be the thing that pushes you towards finally detaching.  By the sounds of it, it's clear that nothing has changed in her life.  Letting go is hard, and few things in life that are worth having come easy.  We will be here for you as you work through your next steps, whichever direction you choose.   

You mentioned that you need therapy.  What is your plan on that front?  Life is sounding tough for you at the moment and in situations like that we don't necessarily make our best decisions.  It's important to recognise that and to be very deliberate in taking some time to think things over before acting.  Do you think you can get yourself to take a pause before responding if she contacts you?  What help are you having with your depression?

Love and light x

[oz geary]

Hi Harley Quinn, thanks. I'm waiting to start CBT, waiting for the start date. I've started taking meds for anxiety and depression but I wish I didn't have to take them. I've spent another few days with her. It's so weird, when I'm with her I think clearly, and when her attention is in me I feel fine, and we have yet again shared sexual activity. But then she says to me she wants some guy who she met 4 nights ago's babies! This guy who she just loved bombed cz she was drunk but he's got Asperger's and he treated her like crap for a day n a night so she rang me as she was walking home. I don't know if I believe half what she says. My mind wants to detach, but something inside wants her soo hard it's infuriating. When she drops suggestions that she's gonna sleep with other men willnilly it makes me feel sick, and she's so beautiful but she acts like a drunk bar whore :'(  she came to mine yesterday after having a blood test for std/sti and mentioned she also picked up lots of condoms, she showed me. But then all night we didn't have any sex. It's like showing a hungry man a pic of your dinner. Then she gave me some of the condoms,, which is like giving him a plate n a knife n fork but no food :/
Is she playing me? Is she more narc than BPD? She says she has a photographic memory but conveniently forgets things. My anxiety is in overdrive, chest feels like I've done a thousand sit-ups. My head's all over the place , I feel back to square one, deffo

[Harley Quinn]

I'm waiting to start CBT, waiting for the start date. I've started taking meds for anxiety and depression but I wish I didn't have to take them.

Great news that you have the CBT lined up.  What is the reason you wish you didn't have to take the meds?  I didn't want to take them either as I felt it meant I was weak and unable to cope myself, so resisted for 6 years but relented when I got to breaking point and knew I needed something badly.  When I started taking the medication I regained some semblance of balance in my mood and the anxiety is now less difficult to manage, so I kick myself that I didn't accept them sooner.  My doctor said that therapy can be more effective whilst on the medication and I believe she was right from what I've found.

It's so weird, when I'm with her I think clearly, and when her attention is in me I feel fine, and we have yet again shared sexual activity.

My mind wants to detach, but something inside wants her soo hard it's infuriating.

Oz, it sounds like you're feeling soothed when you're together with her as you've been longing for this and the 'withdrawal symptoms' are being put on hold even though you know you're subject to push/pull right now and are not the only man in her life.  You're not alone there.   

Detaching from a pwBPD is like coming off hard drugs and it HURTS.  In order to stop that feeling, many of us try against all the odds to reconcile an unhealthy relationship.  Do you see the possibility of a healthy r/s dynamic in the future with this woman?  Based on what you're telling us, she is unlikely to break this pattern of behaviour without facing her issues and committing to treatment.  Her behaviour represents maladaptive coping mechanisms which have long served her.

My anxiety is in overdrive, chest feels like I've done a thousand sit-ups. My head's all over the place , I feel back to square one, deffo

Our bodily sensations are a surefire way of indicating when something is wrong.
They act as a warning system to us when we aren't able to think clearly.  It's evident that what is happening right now isn't good for you, and you have difficult choices to make.  What do you want to do?

Love and light x