I want my 24 daughter to move out, how many chances should she be given?

[Boundary]

Hello my 24 year old daughter has BPD. I want her to move out as she is disrespectful and verbally abusive to me and her father. I am also not sure how many chances she should be given.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Boundary 

 

Welcome to the community. I'm sorry, that's a difficult situation for you and your husband, there are many parents here in similar situations dealing with BPD behaviours, it's just too much - you are not alone.   You are not sure how many chances to give your daughter. Is she aware that you want her to move out? Is there anything preventing her from doing so?

WDx

[bluek9]

Welcome Boundary,

   I join Wendydarling in saying hi to you. You have asked a question that so many parents here ask. This world of BPD is scary and confusing, we find that it takes us on the emotional roller coaster. I've been here on the board since the first of this year, dealing with my daughters BPD for 5 years. I use to ask that question of how many chances? Now for myself I'm over it. I can no longer look at dealing with her in those terms, when I do I'm putting unrealistic expectations on her. That does not mean that there are no time frames. There are, it's just now it must be done as a collaboration. First comes the issue, then her thoughts on how long this will take her, then comes compromise.
  Nothing is simple with BPD, all things can be accomplished they just happen in a different way.  When you feel like sharing more it would nice to know if she has the means to move out.

[qcarolr]

Hi Boundary,
Welcome. I have not been on the board for a while. It really makes things harder when our kids do not have the ability to live independently, especially when they make things so miserable for everyone, including themselves. I hope it is OK if I share a little bit of my story of what did not work so well, and where things are now.

I first came here in 2009 when my DD32 was first dx'd with BPD and posted daily for several years. It was my survival strategy at the time. DD32 still struggles with all things  BPD along with some other moderate to severe issues. I love  her unconditionally and have gotten better with boundaries to preserve my sanity. I have put personal energy into finding a more peaceful way of living. Self care was step one for me and I continue to make time for my needs.

How to get her out of the house when she is being angry, disrespectful and out of control? Always a hard one. We have dropped her off with her transient friends and she would be gone for several days, though she still called and I often had to disconnect her calls and turn my phone off for a couple hours. If she cooled down, then I talked to her. Overall this strategy was not a good one. She ended up using lots of drugs with all the related drama, including jail for harassment charges about once a year. She was offered many chances in various programs through her probation periods -- she never was able to follow through. Some due to drugs, some due to full-on BPD symptoms. She has always resisted treatment of any kind, even as a child with depression and anxiety plus learning disabilities.

I searched for reasonable priced housing for her at other times mixed in with the homelessness. She lasted about a month before needing to move out -- for same reasons we did not want her at our house. Ultimately the housing costs sky-rocketed out of control and we could not help with this locally. So when she and bf talked about going to California -- he said there was a job for him where he had lived a few years ago -- I bought them plane tickets. Ultimately they ended up with friends in Arizona, homeless.

So my dh and I decided to financially help them out. They have stopped using drugs since they left our state, and DD is still clean (bf smokes mj and drinks on occasion with friend). It is now a year since they arrived in AZ. The housing is half what is in my home state. She got her SSI approved, so I am her payee on this benefit. We have made a large financial investment in DD32 and her family -- which now includes a 6 month old boy who is soo cute. We have visited a few times. I talk to DD32 almost every day. I still get panic phone calls, and I am able to maintain a calmer state of being with her. I can talk her down most times. We often have a 'family' call in the evening where each of us here talke with her, and sometimes bf to share about our day. Often these are good calls. We send pictures back and forth too. DD32 has even gotten me to do video calls. These work really good for her to talk with her daughter (who lives with us since birth. We had custody and recently became adoptive grandparents. She has her own set of challenges!).

My home with dh and gd12 is more peaceful with DD32 in AZ. I have told DD32 that she cannot live in our home, there is too much drama. We cannot afford to help them with housing here, as well as there being very limited housing available. So for now, they feel somewhat trapped in AZ where it is often well over 100 daily from May thru September. We will see if they are able to come for a visit this summer. I am not sure they can fly with a baby and their emotional instability. It is a 2 day drive, which is also hard with a baby and emotional instability. There is not much of a budget either way for travel.

There is a lot of acceptance that has been necessary to keep in contact with my DD32. And courage, endurance, perseverance. I have become part of a caring group of women, plus a good therapist, in the past 7 years that has helped me so much. It is an old analogy - putting your own oxygen mask on first, then taking care of others. But it is essential for my survival. It is good to find enjoyment in my life, even as I work through many of the same challenges.

Let us know a bit more of your story. We care. We understand.

carol