White knuckled our anniversary weekend, drained but I made it

[lighthouse9]

Hey good people

Well, I made it through our anniversary weekend. I knew this weekend was going to be tough, especially given that it is also a big military themed weekend. It made me not only miss my marriage, but also miss my community on base and the community I've been part of for the last few years. But, I made it.

Self-defense class is going really well and I'm starting to get to know people there a little bit. I went on Saturday and that wore me out enough/built up my confidence enough to ride through the weekend. I also took on another woodworking project spur of the moment and spent the weekend planning, building, painting, and I'm almost finished with the project. I also had a good talk with my mom on Sunday about everything. I had to remind people it was our anniversary (we had a wedding on a different date a year later, but her and I celebrated this date), but I'm glad I did, even though I felt like I was asking for attention. My mom talked to me after dinner on Sunday and I got to let out some of my feelings, which was good. I'm sure they've seen my darkness, but I think my self-awareness of it was reassuring to her at least. She's still angry at my STBXwife for how her and my mother in law treated my family over Christmas. I can see her fighting with the same things I'm fighting - feeling completely bamboozled and like she never knew her. My ex was like another daughter to my mom, and I can tell how real her pain is over us splitting up.

I'm behind on some work, but I decided to just let it go and let myself do whatever I needed to do this weekend (even if that meant taking on a random woodworking project out of nowhere when I had real work to do). Not contacting her is almost becoming like a game to me (against myself, of course), which is good, because I'm still coming up with things I wish I could say to her or wish she'd understand. I get it now that these words mean nothing to her and that I'd be wasting my breath. I'd also be putting myself in harm's way at this point. I wrote a thread on the learning board about some of the lessons from my self-defense class I'm applying to my life right now. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325343.0

These lessons are keeping me disciplined through some of the white knuckled moments of wanting to reach out and talk to her. I have no idea what's going on with the divorce filing process and something is off there, but it feels like an attempt to get me to investigate and thus reel me in a bit. So, again, I'm doing my best to stay grounded, stay present, and resist the urge to contact her, blow up at her, ask her questions, etc etc. I'm getting it finally that these actions won't help me. I've managed to keep myself off social media where I could run into her, mostly because I would put money on her being in a new relationship by now. I don't need to see that.

Is this wise mind in action? My logical mind knows what to do. My emotional mind knows what I want to do, which is the opposite of what I have to do. My wise mind is doing what I have to do, accepting why I have to do it, but also accepting that I don't want to do it and that it is draining to do it. It was hard not to think of anniversaries past and some of the fun, loving times we had. But I'm also starting to remember the ways those days always had a dark cloud over them, or one not far behind. I know the dark cloud following me around right now is temporary and that I'll one day be rid of it by keeping on. For now though, as weird as it sounds, I feel like I've made friends with that dang ugly cloud. It's like my scary shadow and by acknowledging it I'm no longer shocked to see it there.

I admitted to my mom that my self-defense class or talking about self-defense class are the only times I really feel ok or like I'm in control. She said "I know. I don't get it and it's a bit weird, but it makes you happy and I'm ok with that." Yeah, it probably is a bit weird when I come over their house and make my dad demo choke hold escapes with me. My dad used to train pretty seriously in his younger days, so he's loving it. But for my mom it's probably weird as hell when we stand in front of the TV and her husband and adult daughter take turns choking each other and escaping. Family bonding? When we talked the other day though, I just told her I felt so much darkness right now and I knew I'd come through it and knew I could handle it, but there were days when I didn't want to and that I resented having to do it. She said "yes, you were vulnerable with someone and they destroyed your trust and I bet you feel like you'll never trust again." I said "Yes, exactly that. I know the world isn't made up of people like her, but it scares me that I could trust someone like her so totally and have everything destroyed so quickly." Escaping (controlled) physical harm makes me forgive myself a bit for not seeing this coming. It reminds me of how strong and capable I am, even if I can't always feel that way right now.

Anyone else white knuckling your way through some darkness right now? What keeps your resolve? Want to vent, too?

[Wakemeup]

Hi Lighthouse,

I too am going through all of the same emotions and confusion regarding my relationship breakdown. I feel exactly like your mother suggested, i trusted my exBPD partner completely and she destroyed that trust and a good portion of my life in the process. I had to pack up and move away from my job and home, as well as, leave our dogs behind. Right now I'm just starting the process of trying to understand exactly how and why this happened and rebuild my life.

It is great that your family seems very supportive of you. My family and friends have been a big source of support for me during this transition. I am making a conscious effort to surround myself with support and get out of my head, because if I don't it just depresses me more.

Have you sought out professional help? I start back on Thursday and I can't wait to discuss the situation and hopefully gain some insight into how this could have gone so terribly wrong.

[mama-wolf]

Lighthouse, so very much of what you wrote resonated with me!

Well, I made it through our anniversary weekend. I knew this weekend was going to be tough,

I'm behind on some work, but I decided to just let it go and let myself do whatever I needed to do this weekend (even if that meant taking on a random woodworking project out of nowhere when I had real work to do).

It was hard not to think of anniversaries past and some of the fun, loving times we had. But I'm also starting to remember the ways those days always had a dark cloud over them, or one not far behind.

She said "yes, you were vulnerable with someone and they destroyed your trust and I bet you feel like you'll never trust again." I said "Yes, exactly that. I know the world isn't made up of people like her, but it scares me that I could trust someone like her so totally and have everything destroyed so quickly." Escaping (controlled) physical harm makes me forgive myself a bit for not seeing this coming. It reminds me of how strong and capable I am, even if I can't always feel that way right now.

Anyone else white knuckling your way through some darkness right now? What keeps your resolve? Want to vent, too?

This weekend was a rough one for me because it's the last one before I tell my uBPDw that I need to separate.  I have had to work on this plan, including finding and working through initial document drafts with an attorney, assessing the financial landscape,e tc.  And I have pushed myself through some delays in the timeline for various reasons.  Reasons that I'm starting to look back on and ask myself why I did it to myself, but still I felt I had to.  For example, I didn't feel like I could tell her just before her 40th birthday earlier this month since I knew I would hear about it for the rest of my life.  Going NC would be very helpful in my situation, but it's not possible since we share two kids together.

So yes, white-knuckling is a very apt description.  White-knuckling it through a birthday trip to Disney for her several weeks ago.  Through birthday weekend including the two of us going out to dinner and celebrating the next day with her side of the family.  Through the holiday weekend, trying to have fun with the kids, etc. while still maintaining at least some distance from uBPDw to help me maintain my sanity.  Through frequent complaints about why I'm not more emotionally available and more affectionate.  Through daily conversations about upcoming plans over the next month or so, since I now those plans area all getting ready to blow up... .

Not quite the same as your situation, I know, but still very stressful.  I have fallen behind on my work as well, as I am constantly distracted at the office.  Trying to catch up some today.  I have a physical outlet as well... .have been training for a sprint triathlon that's coming up on the 10th.  Getting through the workouts has definitely helped me feel stronger physically, but I ultimately feel like a walking contradiction given how much of a mess I am otherwise. 

I haven't even quite processed the vulnerability and breaking of trust that I have experienced from my uBPDw.  My T has hinted at it, and the fact that it's going to be quite a healing process.  As someone who is generally more emotionally detached, it's hard for me to access that part of myself, but I'm working with my T on that.  I am pretty sure her focus right now is helping me survive the split.

mw

[stixx44]

Hey Lighthouse,

Need to vent... .sorry if this goes on too long, but it’s been a while since I’ve posted.  But I do read here everyday, and it’s kept me in check.

It’s been three full months of NC for me.  I haven’t blocked her, although I think she thinks she is (the last time she reached out to re-engage me in February, I didn’t respond.).

I’m like everyone else... .more better days than bad, and the bad aren’t terrible like they were.  It gets easier.  But I have such an intense desire to see her to just let her know how terrible her behavior towards me really was.  

I found out post-breakup that she and my best friend (who I introduced to her) had a short relationship at the end of last year when we were not seeing each other for a few weeks.  It ended in mid-January.  My ex and I were separated at that time until a short recycle this past February.

That fact devastated me on so many levels.  My friend was the one who actually confessed to it after I asked her about it (she and I were still friends at the time, doing things together, me pouring my heart out about my ex.).  She told me things my ex said to her about me that were just not true.

While they were sleeping together, my ex had been texting me how much she missed me, loved me, etc.  No loyalty to either of us.

Her behavior disgusts me.  I lost her, and I lost my friend.  She has no idea that I know about any of this.  I found this all out after our last recycle in February.  I actually found it out the day after my ex told me she couldn’t be with me because I did not want marriage.

When I got the news, it just reaffirmed the fact that now, finally, I had info that was so against my values that I could NEVER go back to her.

Her very last text to me in February after the breakup was “I waited so long for you” and “I miss us.”  Normally, I would have responded.  But armed with this knowledge, I had no problem staying away.  And I have since.

Her usual behavior would be to text me numerous times even if I didn’t respond until,she wore me down.  She hasn’t done that.  Just that one lonely text.  I wonder if she somehow knows I have since found out what happened between her and my friend and feels ashamed or doesn’t want me to have a conversation with her about it.  I hope that’s the case.  She should feel something.

Anyway, I would love to actually have a face-to-face with her about this betrayal on her part but I will not initiate any contact with her.  In the event she does reach out to me sometime in the future, I will try to get this to happen.  I feel the need to unburden myself to her... .she put it on me and I don’t feel it’s fair for me to carry it alone and for her to continue her life thinking I am in the dark about this.  I want to hear from her why she did this.

I also know I may not get the answers I want from her, but I know I’ll feel better just having this final conversation.  I had it with my friend, and at least she came clean right away.

Thanks for listening.

Stixx

[lighthouse9]

Hey everyone - haven't forgotten about this thread - she sent divorce papers in the shadiest way possible. I'll be backkkk for better reflection on what you all are up to soon. In the mean time, I'm muttering lots of things under my breath and shaking my head.

[stixx44]

Lighthouse,

I have to say I admire the way you’ve been handling this situation.  Your calmness and maturity shine through in your posts.  I’m sure inside there might be turmoil going on, but you are definitely staying true to your values.  That in itself is something that will pay dividends in the long run.  You should be very proud of yourself.

[lighthouse9]

Thanks so much Stixx - your reminders of what I am doing well are extremely helpful, because the last thing I want to do is become someone else through this.

I'm starting to make peace with it a bit. This is exactly who she is. She's showing her true colors. The way she went about everything was cruel, troublesome, and full of ways to reel me back into some kind of fight. I'm not doing it. She wants me to punish her for doing a bad thing, for being inconsiderate, for lying or evading or whatever. I don't care to do that and don't need to do it. Did it catch me off guard? A bit, but I'm getting much better at being flexible and responding rather than reacting. Unlike her, I don't kick people while they are down. I'm sad for her, and could have done the hard work with her. But, she refused. She would much rather be who she is and cope with life in maladaptive ways. She'll find someone else to idealize, devalue, and discard.

It's not even about not giving her the upper hand at this point. It's about disengaging. The paperwork is filed, I have 35 days to respond, and there is no need for communication at this point. I can go back to focusing on me and healing. I hope she does the same, but what she does is no longer my business or problem.

[Wicker Man]

I can go back to focusing on me and healing. I hope she does the same, but what she does is no longer my business or problem.

@lighthouse
I completely understand the weight and pain it takes to make the above statement.  I have been saying 'My watch is done'.  Yesterday was her birthday and it was a tough day for me -but I made it through. 

I could not help her on her journey though life --it was as necessary as it was difficult for me to make that admission.

You have been an inspiration.  It is wonderful you are training and making time to take such great care of yourself.

Thank you for sharing your progress.  It has been a big help for me in accepting and understanding things about myself.


Wicker Man

[Harley Quinn]

Lighthouse, I agree with Wicker Man that you are an inspiration in the way that you are focusing on what is good for you and listening to your inner wisdom.  Times like these are so challenging when our emotions are being pulled in all directions and your posts are so encouraging to read because you come at it all from a very centred perspective.  Thank you for sharing your journey with us and highlighting the importance of self care above all else.  We can only take responsibility for ourselves and we especially deserve our full attention through life's difficulties.  Many of us struggle with this, myself included and every reminder is helpful.

Love and light x