No longer split black - but not split white

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I saw my  uBPDex on Saturday.  Its the first time she's set foot in my hometown since our split 14 months ago, she went to a rave event where she would have known I would almost certainly be attending.  As some of you may know, I was a distant friend with her for 9 years prior to our short 2 month relationship and I befriended her previous ex after we split (he was with her longer than me).  This ex was also with me at the rave but is now in a happy new relationship.  My uBPDex has seen me and her other ex out  together once before in January when we just blanked each other since she threatened a restraining order to me at Xmas after my friendly xmas message escalated to a row. 

I hadn't realised she was at the event until halfway through the night when I walked up to the balcony area of the club and she grabbed me, some guy was trying to chat her up and it turns out she does turn some guys down... .who knew?    Anyway she thanked me for the letter and flowers I sent 2 months ago, where I basically held myself accountable for any wrongdoing on my side and wished her well, it was effectively a closure letter for me to make my final act a kind one. Apparently they came at a good time and cheered her up from a bad mood, not that she felt the need to make contact & say thanks at the time.

 I re-affirmed the apology on my side and she basically said "I'm sorry too - I was just frustrated with the long distance situation etc".  Her sorry did not seem overly sincere, but its the best I've had from her.

She told me about a few recent developments in her life and then made a point of unblocking me on WhatsApp. It was only a short 10 minute chat. I sent the other ex to have a chat too, as they had been strict NC for almost 3 years.  After that she came downstairs with her friend and danced with us for a bit, then they left as it was getting on for 5am. 

I messaged her on WhatsApp the next day (not about deep stuff, just stuff she's interested in) and eventually got a reply the day after. I message again with baby pics of our mutual friend.  I receive a one word reply "Awww".

If you've followed my posts you'll know I really would love for her to admit a problem and see a therapist to help her handle the torment of BPD.  Equally I'm wary of getting hurt myself, the last year has been awful for my mental health.   I've been split black for 12 months, it feels nice to no longer be split black, but I guess I thought if she ever did un-split me I'd go from black to white and that doesn't seem to be the case.  I'm not sure if she has just decided its easier to diffuse the situation  by feigning niceness than keep me as a hate figure since we will no doubt end up attending more of the same raves over coming months and years.  But are pwBPD capable of that kind of thinking?






 

[Dargumin]

I saw my  uBPDex on Saturday.  Its the first time she's set foot in my hometown since our split 14 months ago, she went to a rave event where she would have known I would almost certainly be attending.  As some of you may know, I was a distant friend with her for 9 years prior to our short 2 month relationship and I befriended her previous ex after we split (he was with her longer than me).  This ex was also with me at the rave but is now in a happy new relationship.  My uBPDex has seen me and her other ex out  together once before in January when we just blanked each other since she threatened a restraining order to me at Xmas after my friendly xmas message escalated to a row. 

I hadn't realised she was at the event until halfway through the night when I walked up to the balcony area of the club and she grabbed me, some guy was trying to chat her up and it turns out she does turn some guys down... .who knew?    Anyway she thanked me for the letter and flowers I sent 2 months ago, where I basically held myself accountable for any wrongdoing on my side and wished her well, it was effectively a closure letter for me to make my final act a kind one. Apparently they came at a good time and cheered her up from a bad mood, not that she felt the need to make contact & say thanks at the time.

 I re-affirmed the apology on my side and she basically said "I'm sorry too - I was just frustrated with the long distance situation etc".  Her sorry did not seem overly sincere, but its the best I've had from her.

She told me about a few recent developments in her life and then made a point of unblocking me on WhatsApp. It was only a short 10 minute chat. I sent the other ex to have a chat too, as they had been strict NC for almost 3 years.  After that she came downstairs with her friend and danced with us for a bit, then they left as it was getting on for 5am. 

I messaged her on WhatsApp the next day (not about deep stuff, just stuff she's interested in) and eventually got a reply the day after. I message again with baby pics of our mutual friend.  I receive a one word reply "Awww".

If you've followed my posts you'll know I really would love for her to admit a problem and see a therapist to help her handle the torment of BPD.  Equally I'm wary of getting hurt myself, the last year has been awful for my mental health.   I've been split black for 12 months, it feels nice to no longer be split black, but I guess I thought if she ever did un-split me I'd go from black to white and that doesn't seem to be the case.  I'm not sure if she has just decided its easier to diffuse the situation  by feigning niceness than keep me as a hate figure since we will no doubt end up attending more of the same raves over coming months and years.  But are pwBPD capable of that kind of thinking?






 

[pearlsw]

Hi Dargumin,

I can't say for sure, but sounds like she is offering what she can, nothing more, nothing less. I would not read too much into it. You are only reading so much into it because, likely, you want it to mean more.

I had a boyfriend I loved, who I now think may have had a few BPD traits, break up with me very suddenly, just days after declaring he would "never, ever break up with me." It was excruciatingly painful. Excruciating. I wrote to him, tried to meet him, all kinds of things. I was used to being friends with ex's so I just naturally jumped into that pattern, but... .in his case we were never friends. I would grasp at the crumbs of seeing him or there, but he went completely cold and that was that. It was very difficult to recover from. You think, since there is no reason, they might come back, or you want to hold onto the crumbs of HOW MUCH they said they loved you.

Honestly, and take this for what it's worth, and do what you need to do, but I would just take this as a nice statement and make it part of my grieving process.

You may keep running into her... .but I'd work hard to keep my expectations in check. The pain you are feeling comes from wanting a different outcome than you have. You have no control over whether or not she will recognize this or do anything about it. And in the case of my current SO for example, he may recognize one day and he has an illness and want to DO ANYTHING to help, and other days he'd just as easily burn the whole relationship to the ground.

with deep compassion, pearl.  

[Dargumin]

Hi Dargumin,

I can't say for sure, but sounds like she is offering what she can, nothing more, nothing less. I would not read too much into it. You are only reading so much into it because, likely, you want it to mean more.

I had a boyfriend I loved, who I now think may have had a few BPD traits, break up with me very suddenly, just days after declaring he would "never, ever break up with me." It was excruciatingly painful. Excruciating. I wrote to him, tried to meet him, all kinds of things. I was used to being friends with ex's so I just naturally jumped into that pattern, but... .in his case we were never friends. I would grasp at the crumbs of seeing him or there, but he went completely cold and that was that. It was very difficult to recover from. You think, since there is no reason, they might come back, or you want to hold onto the crumbs of HOW MUCH they said they loved you.

Honestly, and take this for what it's worth, and do what you need to do, but I would just take this as a nice statement and make it part of my grieving process.

You may keep running into her... .but I'd work hard to keep my expectations in check. The pain you are feeling comes from wanting a different outcome than you have. You have no control over whether or not she will recognize this or do anything about it. And in the case of my current SO for example, he may recognize one day and he has an illness and want to DO ANYTHING to help, and other days he'd just as easily burn the whole relationship to the ground.

with deep compassion, pearl.  

I wouldn't say I'm feeling pain right now. just it's all a bit unexpected. The flowers I sent was me leaving things on a nice note in my mind, I hadn't figured on her actually liking them, I presumed she would rage at being reminded I exist and bin them.  I'm not going to message her again now, certainly not for quite a while. I need to prove to myself I'm not the oh-so-desperate lovesick puppy she trampled on last year for starters. 

[Mutt]

I’ve been split black for 12 months, it feels nice to no longer be split black, but I guess I thought if she ever did un-split me I'd go from black to white and that doesn't seem to be the case.

I agree with pearlsw that you may be over analyzing, that said being split black doesn’t happen all at once the same goes with being split white it happens slowly.