My Adult Son is volatile

[secret-squirrel]

I have been forced to charge my son with Assault and wilful damage. He came into my house after a fight with his girlfriend and assaulted my partner ( he wrecked his car and and a wall, my gate a door, did a huge burnout in my driveway).

I have been walking on eggshells for long time - each time my phone goes I dread it. Each time I hear a door open or close I feel panicked.

This has invaded my entire family life, my partner wont tolerate my son, my daughter is afraid of him and angered by his tirades and the fact that he consumed so much of my energy. I feel he has sucked the life out of me and I am tired.

I started looking for some form of help and think my son shows many traits of BPD.

I am seeking all advice - I am wanting to know if we are in any real danger, is the assault charge remotely helpful, any thoughts on where to from here. Do I continue to try to assist from afar. Do I just let him sink or swim.

Not really sure what i am hoping to acheive.

Regards

Rocky

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi Rocky

Welcome to the bpdfamily

Im glad you came here to share. Its truly terrible to see our children lose control and the devastating impact it has on those who love them and I can completely understand the range of distressing emtions that it invokes in you.

Firstlly, I commend you in taking a stand about assault. This is very serious and can have devastating consequences. I would be interested to know if he has done this before? While he is your son and this is no doubt, a very difficult decision for you, he also has to learn consequences for his actions. Its only your relationship qnd understanding of your son to know how hard or soft to go here.

I often find parents arrive here in the thick of a crisis. When you have time to step back out of the drama, there is plenty to learn on the board to the right and also from engaging with other parents.

I have been walking on eggshells for long time.

This has invaded my entire family life. I feel he has sucked the life out of me and I am tired.

There is a great book by Randi Kreger called "Stop Walking on Eggshells". Given there is no formal diagnosis, you might find this helpful reading.

I used the exact words of feeling sucked dry to describe a very turbulent time of crisis with my BPD daughter.

Take some time to look after yourself, you have others who love and support you. Please keep coming to share, we are all here to support you.

Merlot  

[Feeling Better]

Hello rockylock

I would like to join Merlot in welcoming you here. What a frightening situation you are in, I’m sure that you did the right thing by charging your son with assault, however only you will know whether you are in any real danger from your son.

You can protect yourself by setting good boundaries, letting your son know that that kind of behaviour is not acceptable to you and let him know what the consequences will be if he crosses your boundary. Do you think that you would be able to do that with him? If you look to the right 
Under the TOOLS heading you will see Communicate Boundaries & Limits. I hope that you find that article useful x 

[secret-squirrel]

Thank you so much, It is helpful knowing that I am not alone.

I have found a support group which I am going to visit on Monday.
I have order the Walking on Eggshells book and found the worksheets online - which I have started reading - Very helpful

This rage  which resulted in him concussing my partner,  was the first time he has physically laid a hand on anyone.
He has raged before but more inwardly very suicidal.
He has threatened to kill before but I saw them as just very scary words.
He has thrown every form of insult at me
I have picked up the phone to a screaming person at the other end not knowing who I was speaking to.
He has hit things - normally damaging himself more than things - wrecking his hands or punching his car

My son is dangerous when he is enraged. I am not sure if I can talk him down. His eyes are big as saucers and he is kinda empty.

The rest of the time he is a soft mushy sponge who loves animals or a smouldering seething pool of anger.

I feel that I also may also have some BPD traits. I too can become unreasonable and enraged almost throwing an adult tantrum.  I am acutely aware I have probably taught him how to behave this way.  I would rage when I could find the car keys or credit card. I would storm around the house pressure rising, then turning on anyone who wouldn't help me. Escalating situations to a point of being out of control.  I always felt I had anger management issues. I have controlled this for the last 5 years - however I feel it coming back. Feels like a train hurtling down the train tracks with no way to stop. You know that three is disaster at the end but you feel powerless to stop myself. Luckily I have people who seem to be able to recognise this and sit me down and get me to breathe or make me laugh. I spent my childhood in rage. I had the kind of Uncle you dont want to have and I grew up fantasizing about killing him. I was angry at my parents for not protecting me. I feel I have damaged my son by never dealing with my own issues.

I feel so guilty that I have caused this or exacerbated this behavior in him.

[Feeling Better]

Hi secret squirrel

Please don’t be so hard on yourself, we all as parents feel initially that we are to blame and that we have damaged our kids, but if we don’t know any better then we can’t do any better. Things can only change once we realise that we and the way we interact with our kids needs to change. A lot of behaviour patterns are learned in the family and they are passed down, we accept them as being ‘normal’, because we don’t know any different. When we learn about different behaviours we are able to then make choices, we can carry on with the old learned behaviour or we can make changes. You say that you think that you might have BPD traits too but it could just be learned behaviour from your past. You are aware of your behavioural problems such as anger and you have taken steps to control it. That’s brilliant. Not everyone who has anger problems has BPD.

It is good that you have people around you who know you, can help you and support you, however, if you feel that you still have issues that you need help dealing with, then I urge you to get that help, bearing in mind that you are doing it for you, for your own health and well-being.

You say you have ordered Stop Walking on Eggshells and have found the workbook online, you are already taking steps in the right direction. I am so glad to hear that you have also found a support group which starts on Monday, please keep us all informed on how it goes x