Struggling to cope in marriage with BP partner

[snowdrop83]

Hi, everyone.    This is my very first post and I'll do my best to get my thoughts across. Thank you in advance for reading.

My wife and I have been together for 11 years, and for as long as I can remember, she's been very angry (often at the drop of a hat, and/or for no apparent reason) and quick to blame others. I've witnessed her shift between acting kind and considerate one moment to glaring at me like I'm her enemy the next, and more times than I can count. For years, I've tried everything I can think of to predict what might "set her off" and endeavored to take care of those things pre-emptively, so she might actually be happy instead of full of rage. It's never worked, but it hasn't stopped me from trying.

I found this community on the advice of my longtime therapist, who I've been seeing for over a year for my own anxiety and panic disorders. I've resisted talking about my wife during our sessions because breaching that wall was just too painful, but I finally broke down this week and told my therapist all about the constant struggles in our relationship. She said that my wife sounded like a textbook case of BPD, and gave me the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" to read. I've been reading through it the past two days, sobbing. I see so much of my wife in the descriptions of people living with BP, and it breaks my heart to know she's living in such turmoil and suffering.

I'm grateful to finally be starting to understand what my wife's inner world is like, but I can't help but feel depressed. It's clear from what I've read (and my own intuition) that I can't "save" her, no matter how hard I try, and it makes me feel utterly helpless.

For those of you who are the non-BP partner in a relationship - how do you cope with this without falling into despair? I see our years together stretched out before me, full of bewildering arguments, rage, and blame, and feel such a deep sadness and dread. I didn't realize until recently how strongly I was holding on to the hope that she'd find happiness and contentment someday.

Thank you so very much for reading. 

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[pearlsw]

Hi snowdrop83,



Glad you found us here! I hope you will find this space to be a part of your support system going forward.

I want to say up front that while it is not easy, there may be ways to see some improvement. I know how hard this can be. And how shocking when you first realize there is a name for this and a lot of us struggling with these issues. Please don't fall into despair. Each situation is different since this disorder exists on a spectrum. It also matters what tools we bring to it. There are a lot here to read about and experiment with!

To start I suggest you begin reading the lessons on the right hand side here .

And share more about your experience and engage the community by posting on other's threads as well.

Lastly, it may surprise you, and I hope to encourage you, to hear that a lot of this involves making personal changes so you do have a lot of control over what could happen in the future!

What do you do when she goes into a rage typically? What seems to set her off?

  to you too!

~pearl. 

[snowdrop83]

Pearl, thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, it's been a lot to take in, but I'm so grateful there are others sharing their experiences. It helps so much to know I'm not alone in this struggle.

I've tried many different things when my wife goes into a rage. Early in our relationship, I was so confused by her abrupt mood swings and angry outbursts that I couldn't help but ask "What just happened?" That didn't go well. If I tried to probe deeper about why she was suddenly feeling so enraged, she'd turn on me and accuse me of not being on her side, while refusing to explain what exactly had happened. When she's angry, she looks at me like she can't believe I'm so stupid to not understand exactly what's going on, even if she hasn't expressed her feelings.

These days, I try not to speak when she's angry, because she twists anything I say - no matter how kindly - into ammunition against me. And she'll frequently bring up things I've said regarding past rages when in a current rage, trying to point the finger at me. I try to keep my face as impassive as possible, but even that doesn't work, because she'll accuse me of not being on her side - not validating her anger. (Which I just can't do.)

Her rages seem to be triggered by the most benign (to me) things. The other night, there was a single dish in the sink, which happened to be the one she needed to heat up some leftovers in the toaster oven. She took that as a personal attack from the universe - "Of COURSE the only dish I need right now is dirty" - and refused to wash the dish or even eat dinner at all as a result. I offered to wash the dish myself and heat up her food, but that made her even more enraged. She stormed off and wouldn't speak to me. I just sat there alone and tried not to cry.

This kind of scenario has played out so many times over the years. I never know when she's going to be in a good mood or in a dark, terrifying wrath. This sounds consistent with BPD, so it helps to know she isn't doing this intentionally. But it's still hurtful, confusing, and scary.

Besides "Stop Walking on Eggshells", do you have any other books to recommend? I want to learn all I can so I can be as informed as possible.

Thank you so much. 

[loyalwife]

Hi! 
  After reading your post, it brought back so many memories of struggling just as you are with the wrath of anger our pwBPD can bestow on us.  One book I might recommend is the "High-Conflict Couple".  I tried reading this with my husband, but it triggered him.  I read it alone and got good insight so hopefully it will do the same for you.
  I understand how impossible it is to judge what might set your wife off or not. Some days it may be something totally unknown, and so far beyond reason that no logic prevails,  you can only control one thing; your reaction. As simplistic as this sounds it is the game changer. When my husband starts down the rabbit hole of bad mood. I become unattached.
  Some of the best advice I have gotten from the kind folks here is to make a life for yourself so the when the walls fall down you are safe. Find people who accept you for who you are unconditionally and do not hang on to the thought that magically our pwBPD will somehow get it and change.  They can but only when they want to.  Until then protect yourself and protect your heart.
  You have found a family here.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome snowdrop,

I"m sorry that you have been going through so many difficulties in your relationship, but I'm glad you've found a name for what is going on. I remember all too well how overwhelming it was to realize that my H may never get better. Once you've had some time to process all of it, then you can start considering what that means for your future.

For myself, I had to change what "normal" was, change my expectations of my H, and learn to find a way for me to stop being a victim. What are some areas of acceptance of BPD that you may need to work on in yourself?

Have you talked to your T about what it means to be in a BPD relationship? What did he or she say?