So when do they let go?

[MeandThee29]

A therapist said it would happen when interacting with me was no long satisfying and/or when he emotionally decided to settle where he now lives, perhaps even finding someone else. I think that both have happened now.

Thoughts?

[Insom]

That's a super-interesting question, MeandThee. 

How does it make you feel to know your ex may be approaching the let-go point?

[MeandThee29]

That's a super-interesting question, MeandThee. 

How does it make you feel to know your ex may be approaching the let-go point?

I feel sadness. Not crushing sadness, but acceptance. I held a glimmer of hope that things were turn around for a long time, and still pray for a miracle.

[Insom]

I feel sadness. Not crushing sadness, but acceptance. I held a glimmer of hope that things were turn around for a long time, and still pray for a miracle.

This sounds like a poignant mix. 

FWIW, while I felt some grief toward the end of my relationship with BPD-ex, by the time I was ready to leave him I felt so angry and was so eager to escape the relationship that there wasn't any room for sadness which may partly be why I'm here now . . . to feel sadness that I couldn't access back then.

This idea of letting go is an interesting one.  You are wondering if he's reached the let-go point.  How about you?  Have you let go?  What does letting go look and feel like for you?

[Wicker Man]

This idea of letting go is an interesting one.  You are wondering if he's reached the let-go point.  How about you?  Have you let go?  What does letting go look and feel like for you?

As far as I know my ex fiancé is still wearing our engagement ring and waiting for me to return.  We have not spoken in 6 months.  At the end of her longest and worst rage she broke our engagement.  After absorbing this (and a minor breakdown) I agreed with her that we should end the relationship.  We had a final call, in which she said 'So we will never speak again?'  I answered 'yes'.  A lot of tears and pain on both our parts but a definite air of finality.

My therapist said this sort of denial can go on for quite a long time for some individuals suffering from BPD.  I asked him directly how long, and he said it depends on the individual and the circumstances.

For my part slowly but surely I am beginning to accept she is no longer part of my life -it has not been easy.  She left a big hole in my heart which is difficult to fill.


Wicker Man

[MeandThee29]

I found this to be very helpful, both early on and then when I re-read it recently:

www.https://bpdfamily.org/2010/12/leaving-person-with-borderline_28.html

I can't remember at this point how many times he said "this is it." When you repeatedly tell a partner that and say you're never going to speak with them again, and then do it over-and-over, it has to create damage on both sides. This sentence from that essay spoke to me:

Each successive break-up increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.


You end up with shattered trust and diminished hope. At one point I thought that a counsellor might be able to see us through it because I was seeing someone who was part of a team who had restored dozens of marriages, but he refused that type of help. We just went deeper and darker with no accountability. I had months and months of counselling with multiple individuals who are experienced with this sort of thing and am in a better place than I was. As horrible as it was, it has brought me to a good place in my life.

I was angry and outraged for a time, but I'm just sad now.

[Wicker Man]

Each successive break-up increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.

You end up with shattered trust and diminished hope.

@MeandThee29 I completely agree.  Once a relationship dissolves it can never go back to what it was.  The only hope moving forward and reconciling would be to observe the past, learn from it and re-build a new foundation.  This is difficult and heavy lifting in the best of circumstances.  I should imagine with a BPD partner it would be even more perilous because of the underlying abandonment issues.  -I cannot imagine what a reconciliation attempt might look like at this point with her.  The word disastrous comes to mind... . 

I was angry and outraged for a time, but I'm just sad now.

I certainly feel a lot of sadness.  Even if it was misguided -the sadness is for the lost potential I saw in the relationship. 

As horrible as it was, it has brought me to a good place in my life.

These are encouraging words!  Slowly but surely I am working toward being able to say the same.  If feel somehow my experience with BPD has been a loss of innocence.  It has certainly given me a lot to process.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Wicker Man

[MeandThee29]

Each successive break-up increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.

@MeandThee29 I completely agree.  Once a relationship dissolves it can never go back to what it was.  The only hope moving forward and reconciling would be to observe the past, learn from it and re-build a new foundation.  This is difficult and heavy lifting in the best of circumstances.  I should imagine with a BPD partner it would be even more perilous because of the underlying abandonment issues.  -I cannot imagine what a reconciliation attempt might look like at this point with her.  The word disastrous comes to mind... . 

Yes, you have to bury the "you always" and "you never" phrases and accept what you have and go from there. My counsellor said that the toughest part of helping a couple to reconcile is getting them to focus on the present and accept each other in a healthy way.