Confused on whether or not relationship is over: does he just want space?

[LiveYourBestLife]

I recently became aware that my ex most likely has BPD. We had been dating for 6 months and recently as of last week broke up with me. During the 6 months we had broken up once before for about a week. A few days before our break up I was having a rough time and we were arguing a lot since I couldn’t handle his mood swings and they were affecting my already rough state of mind. Throughout these few days he kept saying maybe we need a break and he needed space but then all of a sudden his mood would just flip and everything would be fine. During one of our arguments I told him he was being selfish and that sometimes he can be a mean person. At the time of our fights I was unaware of his diagnosis, I was only made aware of his BPD by his friend after our split. After the day I lashed out at him I Felt extremely bad and apologized for my behaviour and lashing out, since I do love him and felt terrible for saying those things. He told me he couldn’t take all the up and down and to leave him alone. I was very confused and hurt and we didn’t talk for a week and I tried to reach out to him several times. It wasn’t until I ran into him on the street that he replied to my numerous messages. He said I didn’t show him any respect and that I used him to rant to and took my feelings out on him, and that he couldn’t handle being with someone so selfish. During this conversation knowing he had BPD I tried to not lash out at him in the way he was to me, since maybe of the statements he was making were untrue and unfair. Throughout our relationship I’ve been very supportive and at the drop of a hat would be there for him while he was spiraling or very depressed. He kept flip flopping making statements such as “This isn’t working” to “This isn’t working right now” to “I just need some space” and at one point made a very confusing statement saying “I knew him too well” All of this was very confusing to me since I didn’t know what he wanted wether we were actually breaking up or he just wanted to space. I asked him if he could elaborate and he’d give me vague answer such as “just live your life” when I asked him wether or not he hated me he said no but when I told him I hope we could talk in the future in order to heal our relationship/friendship he said he would never want to be in my life again and that I can’t say mean things and expect people to forgive me. I’m just utterly confused where we stand and why he is behaving the way he is. Should I expect him to reach back out to me? I haven’t heard from him in a few days and am trying to respect his space. During our conversation he was making such conflicting statements. In the past he’s needed space but this time seems worse since I said something that hurt him. What are ways in which we might be able to heal our relationship? Or does he truly mean what he’s saying when he doesn’t want me in his life?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi LiveYourBestLife and welcome!  

Whether or not he truly wants to end the relationship is not something any of us here can be sure about. But I can tell you from eleven years of a BPD relationship with my wife that cycling between wanting to end the relationship and wanting it back is a very common BPD behavior. The question I think should be for yourself as to whether you think you can tolerate this kind of behavior in a relationship. I think six months is a good place to be since you can decide to continue or not without having too much of your lives already tied together.

As to lashing out, please don't feel too bad about this since we are all human and even if we know someone has a mental illness, it doesn't stop their behavior from being hurtful to us.

What are you doing to take care of yourself during this difficult period?

Yrs,
~ROE

[pearlsw]

Hi LiveYourBestLife,

I'd like to join Roland in welcoming you here!  I agree with him, we can't predict what he wants or if he'll come back. I know how hard it is to want to repair something and the other person is not receptive. We can all be pushed beyond our limits when another person's behavior is so off the scale of what is typical. It is indeed confusing. An apology and a commitment to maintaining our own self-control are very important, but breakdowns can happen in an instant.

Whether you continue together or not there are some very helpful relationship tools on this site that can help in this or any relationship. Just take a look to the right here

Do you think you'll be seeing him around or does running to each other require planning?

with compassion, pearl.

[LiveYourBestLife]

Hi Pearl And Roland,

Thanks for your support. To answer your question, I’ve been going to weekly therapy over the past few months which has been as huge help for myself and a positive step in taking care of myself, I’ve also been trying to educate myself on BPD in order for me to better understand my ex partners behaviours. Also we live in quite a big city but it seems as though we run into each other quite often.

Thank you for your kind words. I know I can’t expect anyone to know what he is thinking, or predict his decisions. All my research as shown this push and pull behaviour to be quite common within those who live with BPD. As previously mentioned we broke up once before due to similar reasons, him needing space and feeling overwhelmed. I think I’m just so confused and worried since during our last conversation he was very back and forth with his feelings and some of the things were quite severe. It’s left me feeling quite lost, I can’t understand how he might say such harsh things that he doesn’t actually mean such as telling me he never wants to see me again.

This time has been hard but mostly because I’m so worried about him. He’s going through quite intense treatment for his clinical depression and suicidal thoughts, which I know has been causing him tremendous stress. In your experiences should I wait for him to reach out to me? Or after a while should I reach out to him? He was very adament about his need for space, and quite angered by the fact that I didn’t previously respect his space.

[RolandOfEld]

In your experiences should I wait for him to reach out to me? Or after a while should I reach out to him? He was very adament about his need for space, and quite angered by the fact that I didn’t previously respect his space.

Hi L, I would suggest acting in terms of what is 1) best / healthiest for you and 2) within what you feel emotionally capable of right now. Sometimes when my wife has an episode, including those where she threatens separation or divorce, I will reach out first if I feel strong enough and capable. If what she did was very hurtful and I feel I need to tend to my own wounds first, I refrain from interacting with her until I've had enough space to process and recover.

I believe right now you are thinking more in terms of what will help him, and while that is very kind, it will not be of help to either of you for you to be drawn into emotional turmoil that will consume you both. Does that make sense?

~ROE

[Radcliff]

You're getting great advice from RolandOfEld and pearlsw here.  While you can definitely improve things by learning the tools here, this early in the relationship is also an important time to make sure you're realistic about what you're signing up for.  Take a look at these two pages:

The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship

What Does It Take To Be In a BPD Relationship?

Do you know what kind of treatment he has been receiving?  Does he see someone specifically for the BPD?

WW

[LiveYourBestLife]

Do you know what kind of treatment he has been receiving?  Does he see someone specifically for the BPD?


[/quote]

He’s always been somewhat vague with the exact treatment he’s receiving. But I know he’s seeing a doctor at a depression and suicidal thoughts clinic and the Mental Health Center, as well as seeing a psychiatrist. At one point he was also seeing a psychotherapist, but I believe that didn’t work out.

[LiveYourBestLife]

I believe right now you are thinking more in terms of what will help him, and while that is very kind, it will not be of help to either of you for you to be drawn into emotional turmoil that will consume you both. Does that make sense?

That does make total sense, I’ve really been trying to look out for myself throughout this entire relationship. One hard part of it all is that I feel like he isn’t able to give me to the space to talk about my feelings, since whenever I try to tell him he’s done something that’s not okay he gets anxious and defensive and it turns into a fight and I feel like I’m not being heard. I think for now it would be best to just give him some space, since he was really adament about needing some alone time. I guess I was just conflicted since he said he needed space and that I can’t just walk back into is life, yet I feel as though I’m always the one to initiate conversations. I think a lot of our last conversation was him projecting onto me, many of the things he was saying are things I’ve told him in the past. I think it would be healthy for me to just not read to into it, since all the conflicting statements are swaying my thought process. Just give him some time and reach out when I feel is appropriate.

[pearlsw]

One hard part of it all is that I feel like he isn’t able to give me to the space to talk about my feelings, since whenever I try to tell him he’s done something that’s not okay he gets anxious and defensive and it turns into a fight and I feel like I’m not being heard.

When you do have these kinds of conversations are you able to do it making "I" statements instead of "you" ones that project blame?

I think modeling Validation can also help create a better overall atmosphere.

I've also discovered that being shorter with such conversations can help. He does not talk or respond quickly or very much so I used to take that as a signal to repeat myself, but I later figured out it was best to keep things simple and not talk circles around him. It cut down my frustration, and his too I'm sure. I also taught him some validating things to say to me because he gets pretty tongue tied and can't respond and it would leave me feeling not listened to. Make things a win-win if you at all can.

wishing you peace, pearl.