Healing from relationship with BPD/NPD mother

[alphabeta]

Hi Everyone,

I am posting this message, because I want to get advice on how to heal from my relationship with my mother whom I suspect has BPD or NPD.

My mother has exhibited behaviors like begging for validation from me and my eight year old son and threatening to commit suicide if she doesn't get it how she wants it; going from telling me that I am the greatest son ever to saying that I am so cruel that she will call child services (within a day); raging for hours on end; calling non-stop in the middle of the night; comparing me and my wife to her (on topics ranging from sexual prowess, to intelligence, to our mental stability) and saying that whereas we are a disaster, she is great.

Anyhow, until recently, I have felt as though this was "normal" behavior and condemned my wife and, to a lesser extent, my son for being insensitive to my mother when my mother had her outbursts.

Now I am aware of who my mother is and what she has been doing.

I have been distancing myself for a few months, and recently have decided to go NC with her until I feel strong enough to keep my emotional balance in her presence -- the idea of having a medium chill relationship with my mother was met with fierce resistance from her, and she said that she would go NC with me if I chose to have such a "shallow" relationship.

After reading several books, I recognize that she is probably not exhibiting her BPD/NPD traits intentionally and is not inherently a bad person -- the combination of her need to feel validated with her low emotional threshold leads her to act in an extreme and extremely unpleasant manner.

Thus, I want to give her a chance to reconnect.

My problem is that I despite my increased understanding of her condition, I still feel scared and anxious at the thought of being around her, and this makes me both and angry and sad.

I am going to therapy, and my therapist says that if I am on unstable emotional footing, my first obligation is to heal myself so that I am emotionally more grounded.  Then I can make the decision of how to interact with my mother.

What do people from this forum recommend that I do?  Are there resources which you recommend or have you conducted certain actions which have made you heal?

Thanks, 

[Harri]

Hi alphabeta.  

I agree with your T that you should get more emotionally grounded and I think it is best to use this period of no contact to work on your own issues.  I am not a professional but (!) a lot of us adult children of BPDs are still enmeshed well into adulthood.  :)etaching emotionally takes work and I am not sure I can think of just one way to do it.  For me it involved learning about the disorder so I could depersonalize a lot of the behaviors.  It also meant learning that I am my own person separate from my mother and that her emotions are hers and no matter how much she holds me responsible for them, it is not my job to emotionally regulate her.  It also meant recognizing how little of me there was.  I was afraid of her anger, of hurting her and I was afraid to leave.  

We have an article on Enmeshment and Co-dependency that you might find helpful.  The first post in that thread has a link to the complete article and then what follows are replies of many of our members.  You may find something that resonates there.  

The fear and guilt you have are from enmeshment and conditioning.  You have been trained since a small child to always put your mother's needs first, to believe you are responsible for her happiness and every time she isn't that you must fix it.  It is hard to overcome these beliefs and the behaviors that we have developed but it can be done.  You can do a lot of work here, in addition to the work you do with your T to help yourself.  Work on that fear.  Work on seeing yourself as an individual who is not responsible for their parent.  

What I did was to think in terms of whats mine and what was my moms to deal with.  Each of us are responsible for our own actions, thoughts, beliefs and emotions.  For me to take responsibility of anything that is clearly hers was a violation of my self and my quest for emotional independence (sound the trumpets!)  This is not really a boundary in the way we use the term here, but I thought of it that way... .that I was getting into other peoples business when I felt what they felt, etc.  Take small steps and use the supports you have both here and in T.  

[HappyChappy]

Hi Alphabeta. 

I would like to join Harri in welcoming you to the board.

I am going to therapy, and my therapist says that if I am on unstable emotional footing, my first obligation is to heal myself so that I am emotionally more grounded.  Then I can make the decision of how to interact with my mother.

This sounds like good advice. There have been times when I have been so anxious I can not be in the same room as my BPD. But after a period of NC I’m fine with her now. Its amazing the difference. Therapy doesn’t tend to work if you are agitated and a BPD is an expert in agitating us, they know our room 101 and all our triggers.

The more you learn about BPD, the more validation you get on this forum, it should all help. Feel free to post about childhood memories that bother you, or tricky behaviour that agitates you. Over time you should start to heal. But it can be a slow process. But getting a T and coming here is a great start.

It is helpful to know your triggers, your BPD no doubt knows these ? What is it that your mom does or say that provokes anxiety the most ?

[alphabeta]

Thanks Harri and HappyChappy for your advice.

I will take a look at that article which Harri suggested on enmeshment.

Also, to answer HappyChappy, the things that throw me off balance the most is when (1) my mother interrupts me constantly, (2) my mother says she's miserable to the point of suicide because I don't feel like talking to her or trust her, and (3) my mother tells me that because she is so good at handling conflict at work yet can't seem to resolve problems with me, it's all my problem.

I'm open to hearing any advice or similar experiences others can share.

[HappyChappy]

the things that throw me off balance the most is when (1) my mother interrupts me constantly, (2) my mother says she's miserable to the point of suicide because I don't feel like talking to her or trust her, and (3) my mother tells me that because she is so good at handling conflict at work yet can't seem to resolve problems with me, it's all my problem.

What is your reaction to these triggers ? How do they make you feel and how do you wind down from them ?

[alphabeta]

Hi HappyChappy,

To answer your question, I have not been very consistent in reacting to my mother's triggers. 

In the past, my reaction was to stay silent while she talked away.  I usually "zoned out," which made my mother even more angry.

Now, I've alternated between two reactions. 

The first involves telling her that I don't want to talk about it, because either it hurts my feelings or this type of statements are not productive for our relationship.  This elicits a reaction of "I am 1000% more hurt than you," or she ignores my statement.  I have started to end the conversation, which is something I feel should be done more consistently.

The second reaction which I am not proud of it to scream at her, and tell her how angry and frustrated I am.  Whereas I do need to release my tension, I don't think that screaming at someone is the answer.

What do you think?

[Inner Child]

The statement of deciding what is mom's responsibility and what is my responsibility as as a way of self care and honoring the self is so helpful... .thank you!