How to find peace in a disagreement?

[waitingwife]

Hi All,
We had been doing pretty well for the most part and just when you think alls well, things blow up in your face.
Background: we got a new puppy, uBPDh is trying to re-establish ties with my FOO and they’re all on the BPD spectrum so he is starting to have the unrealistic expectations from them subconsciously. I’m not involved in any way with his family, I talk to them sometimes if he calls them or they call when I’m around but it makes me feel like he calls them privately and I’m fine with that.
Ongoing issue I want to vent & seek you all to reflect with me please so i can move into my centred self again:
We had maids in the house, puppy was in the crate & barking off from hearing the vaccum, etc. I cross the street to get my D8 from the Neighbour’s house to help me at home. A car crosses over driving wrecklessly and I said to the teenaged girls, please watch out coz it’s a neighborhood with kids. They were driving at 60 inside the community where the speed limit is 25. Anyways hubby pulls up car on our driveway when this happens and asks me what happened. So I casually mentioned the incident and those girls made a U-turn & came back newr our driveyway & were throwing F-bombs about what the heck. I told uBPDh, let it go coz it’s not in our best interest to pick a brawl with others. We did our thing by telling them to be careful. I come inside the house and hubby didn’t come hom for 15 minutes so I walk out to see cops on our driveway. So hubby went knocking on the door where those girls reside 6-7 houses down from us and hose girls pushed him, called him abusive names and their father also was using dirty words. So hubby called the cops and that family also called the cops. The cops just heard both sides of the story and left coz there wasn’t much they could do.
Afterwards, hubby was very disturbed because they made some racial slurs against him. He asked me, did I do the right thing? I asked him do you want to vent or reflect? My T had equipped me with that question to use during such times. So he chose reflect. I said I in no way mean to belittle your feelings and can completely understand how hurtful it must’ve been to listen to all that. Those girls shouldn’t have been driving like that. What was your goal to go knocking on their door? He said I wanted to information the owners of that house. So I asked did you want the owner to make the girls stop driving like that? He kinda agreed but he said I expect parents to be Muffin re accountable and responsible but the father started throwing racial slurs. So I said I don’t think what the father/girls do is in our control and I was concerned about your safety. What if they hurt you in anyway? I said in this case, it was a choice between getting what you want(safety) versus being right. So for me the choice would’ve been - Safety and I can understand how it may not be the same for you. At that moment he agreed and was okay. He said you should tell the other Neighbour that those girls drive like that. This is when I made the mistake of saying- I’m not telling any neighbors anything coz I don’t want them to feel like we’re the family who calls cops for every little thing. We have called cops another time last year but that was more valid.
The next day he sulked and started saying on 2nd thoughts, I feel like I did the right thing even if you feel the Neighbours will think we call cops for everything. I reminded him that it’s completely okay for him to feel differently and that we’re 2 different human beings who think & process differently. Also reminded him that he asked me for my opinion and I stated my true opinion.
Now there is a tension in the relationship, it’s so subtle but it’s there... He doesn’t say or act it like he use to before but it’s there. My parents are also visiting from out of the country & they’re staying st my brother’s. He usually gets triggered around my parents quite a bit coz I think it reminds him of his parents and what he misses. So all in all, I’m getting the feeling that we’re heading down a downward spiral. The changes the puppy is bringing in our family dynamic is also not very helpful. We both dread transitions and every free minute is taken up by the new puppy.
Any help, thoughts are much appreciated as to where I can start?

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[pearlsw]

Hi waitingwife,

Actually, I must say I am impressed by this vent or reflect technique!  Thank you for sharing it with us.

I would say you did your best here... .and there are just times no amount of care will prevent dysregulation. I would probably try extra validation and cheer or distraction to at least try to head off a worse turn in his moods, but it is out of your control ultimately.

Keep showing him you support even if you don't entirely agree. I've had to face this too when my SO tells me about an incident and I think "You did what?"

Any kids around to play with that puppy and get a break from that extra energy?

with compassion, pearl.

p.s. racial slurs would be very upsetting for me too! that is another piece that you can support on - that no one should say such things to him.

[waitingwife]

Thanks for hearing me out and the reflect or vent technique works pretty well. UBPDh even know thaty T has shared that technique with me. I feel like the BPD in him doesn’t let him be at peace when there is a disagreement and the codependency in me doesn’t like it when here is confrontation. I’m really trying hard to undo the old patterns but sometimes it’s so hard. After the hard work, the end result is really sweet though so i gotta remind myself of that again n again. Yeah we have kids in our neighborhood that’ll come play but I also have a crazy work schedule even though I work from home.
We got the puppy mainly for our 8 year old and she plays & lives the puppy but is also a social butterfly so the puppy work falls onto hubby & me. I have sensed in him the resentment sometimes from having to wake up esrly to take the puppy out, etc. And I don’t blame him coz I also get a bit resentful sometimes at night when my day ends after tucking the puppy in, etc. There are times I feel like Wow, why did we add to the family when we’re on a short leash while we’re out n about but then there are times where I love all the puppy love that the little puppy brings to our family.
I wish transitions were easier

[braveSun]

There are times I feel like Wow, why did we add to the family when we’re on a short leash while we’re out n about but then there are times where I love all the puppy love that the little puppy brings to our family.

   

I wish transitions were easier

  Me too!... .     
I love your post, waitingwife. I have been thinking about exactly that this evening...   How to find peace in disagreement... As non's we know how we would bring closure to such conversations. Yet, even if we know that our loved one is not going to be able to give us that closure, we need that still. Exactly that.
Love your post! ...